LOL thanksgiving dinner with T

...sort of =)
Every Thursday the clinic holds a free community dinner where food is donated by a health food store and T (also a nurse) usually gives talks on eating healthy. The clinic is mainly low/no income people (the group I fall into), or people dealing with MAJOR health crisis like HIV/AIDS, Cancer - typically all people who either don't know how or can't afford to eat right. So her clinic provides. And any extra food (usually just expired but still edible) is placed outside and anyone can take it.

Last night was their Thanksgiving feast - T saw me in the hall after my Dr apnt and asked if I would stay for it -I told her I was gonna try (i had homework complications). It is the first one I have managed to be there for when T is there and it didn't feel at all awkward. She had us all squeeze into the tiny kitchen/dining room/ yoga room, talked a bit about how far the clinic has come in 20 years (that she founded) and then had us say what we are grateful for. I think i said, "I'm Kiya, and I'm grateful for building a new family" and i noticed that T nodded in approval =)!!! Then, since none of us could move an inch, we stayed in those places as the "line" for the fully decked out thanksgiving meal.

I had to laugh to see that T talks to the group just as she always talks to me in sessions =)!! Made me feel better somehow. At one point, she looked at me and smiled during her talk. She's not particularly a "dynamic speaker" - but very real, and uses a LOT of hand gestures.

So, I had my food (limited to meet my med. diet restrictions), and I was talking to someone when I backed in to T by accident. I turned around and we talked for a moment, she patted my arm (like she had patted my shoulder earlier when she had gone to get another client). I had to do a homework assignment while there on their computer, but returned to it to find it locked... panicked, I went back in the room and T met my panicked expression just like a Mom and told me where to find someone who knew how to fix it.

For the first time in a long time, i really felt "at home". I'd nearly forgotten what that felt like. I didn’t have that weird “OMG it’s T out in public”, stomach-dropping-thru-floor sensation that a lot of us can identify with. Everyone there knows her and loves her, and it just felt really healthy. It helps that I have been there a year now and am comfortable with her talking to me in the presence of others.

Very sweet Kiya.

You've come so far!

What a great story, Kiya

I'm glad you had that experience

It was a really nice experience. And I am still struggling to find the words I really want. I guess I am trying to say how *good* it felt/feels to have something as simple as a pat on the arm/shoulder/back like T often does. I have a hard time with touch and also a hard time allowing/acknowledging that something *feels good or ok*. Like I am not allowed to have that feeling or that there is something wrong with me to like getting any sort of touch.
Wow I said it. Suddenly there's a lot of internal emotional stuff; gladness, pain, sadness, grief, release - because i noticed it, named it, and said it. ...and now am spacing out, heh. So, to get 2 arm pats, one smile, one nod, and a concerned look all in one non-therapy day.... it just left me feeling really loved. Today I am having a bit of a harder time accepting it... like it was a fluke or something. But I am trusting that the more i can start letting the walls down, the more "feeling loved" might just become a normal thing, rather than an oddity. Wow - wouldn't that be cool??

((((((((((Miss C, Earthmama))))))))))

Not to hijack your thread....but speaking of touch....today I was leaving a session with Teacher T and she reached out and kind of patted me on the back on my way out. I ALMOST JUMPED RIGHT OUT OF MY SKIN. HOLY CRAP!!!!

I know everyone knows how comfortable I am with T, and with touch. And we worked our way slowly and gently to that point. He can give me a big hug at the end of session, and it just feels safe and good.

So, I kind of thought I was "over" that fear. Guess not. I'm sure she saw me jump when she touched me. Oy.

Oh you're not hijacking it at all! Yeah I totally understand that sensitivity with someone you don't totally know yet. I was like that at first with this new t also, even tho my old t was very huggy and even said "i love you" @_@ and stuff. I was never ok with the "i love you" part. It is REALLY hard for me to say that to ANYONE. Even mom... when she says that I usually say "you too".

I'd say if you are uncomfortable or worried that she saw you jump, let her know and (if you are wanting her to continue) you might tell her that you are working on it or whatever.

The first time this new t hugged me i freaked. Or talked to me in the lobby not on "my" day or patted my shoulder.... but now it is something i look forward to and hope maybe some day i can actually look like i am happy about it. right now, i try to look like i could take it or leave it- poker faced. these issues are so difficult.

Thanks for sharing such a sweet story. It's such great progress for you.

Kiya, I am so happy for you!

(((Kiya))),
Thanksgiving Dinner with T? You're the envy of all the regulars in the Psychotherapy forum, you know, lol! I'm so happy for you! I'm glad you shared your story!

Soli, you're so funny. I am more thankful that I didn't have that terrible discomfort so common around our t's (that I used to have also) because that made it all the more enjoyable and left a sense of the evening being "good enough", you know? NO left over "I should have done... I wish i'd said... why the heck did i do/say...."
It's actually the first time I've even enjoyed a Thanksgiving meal in YEARS. LOL and I did homework for most of it. The other t was there too - the one I did Yoga for Depression with and saw as a stand-in t once when mine was gone. I felt very "steady" talking to her also. A nice change. Yay! I'm growing! I've been taking my Flintstones vitamins! JK.

Kiya and EM, I have a lot of the same issues. Kiya I'm glad you've started to feel comfortable with some of these little interactions that others just accept without even a passing thought.

Oy, me too Chaotic, or days like I had today in T would be sooooo much harder and more devastating. I really felt disconnected from her today. I brought in some trauma stuff to process and i felt like she wasn't really hearing me or on the same page. When I said something like "this is a memory - not fabracated" she looked at me with those piercing blue eyes (think Dumbledore here from Harry Potter) and said "I know, Kiya... I know" and looked at me like "I'm trying to reach you here, kid..." and i just couldn't do it. Didn't feel it. Not even a pat on the shoulder on the way out =( and it's going to be 9 days until next apnt with the *fun* frickn holliday in between. Glad i had several pats last week, have to make them last. Right now i want to curl up in my cave and stay there until summer.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((kiya))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm sorry you had a bad session. It just sucks when we can't connect when we really need to...especially before a big break.

Lots of hugs for you...

Kiya sorry the contact was missed. I think this is why I just rather not have it at all.

((((((((((Chaotic))))))))))