I want to punch a wall and put a whole through it.

i can't read a lot today.. my brain isn't doing so good... can't read all the replies.. so maybe people have said anything i might say.. idk

the first one... well, bc we are trying to address a need from a time and place that doesn't exist.. sometimes it's a need from a child to an adult from a time that has disappeared, everyone has changed and there is no way to go back there, so the child cries harder and louder. That's what we work on in therapy right? Trying to soothe that inside cry.. ourselves and not waiting for that adult that never came?

but sometimes.. and i think now it is true for you, forgive me if it is wrong... but the cry can't be answered by T or anyone because you cry for one person to hear you and come back. i know that will break your heart to read... but i think maybe it is true. idk.. i could be full of it. When you talk about your anger and sadness and pain.. what i hear is you begging him to come back. Maybe i am seeing that through my own pain that i suffered when i lost someone i loved more deeply than i thought i could feel.

lots of people really do hear you... and understand... lots/most don't and can't... lots try to show support but are clumsey and dumb about it bc you're right, they haven't been there and don't have two sweet clues... i can't tell you to see that they are at least trying to show support, because you already know all that BS.. you know it. It doesn't help a lot to know it... anger... want to shake people and yell at them for going on with their life as if this didn't happen... can't they see that he is gone? How can they go on..? Right?

again.. idk.. but that's what i felt... ****ing mad because the world kept going and didn't seem to care that mine had stopped. It didn't seem to care about the sweet soul that had left.. and left me behind. The world felt cold and mean... life.. death.. life.. death and it's like no one really notices.

i wanted to beat the crap out of someone... hold someone responsible for the unfairness but there wasn't anyone i could blame. How much more reason do you need to want to punch something?

people say the same to me now... "dont know how you are holding it together" or "I couldn't do what you are doing/have done".... yeah.. good for them. Easy for them to say as they go off to their calmer, safer, less ****ing $%177y world and leave me sitting here in pain. Great. Fine. Thanks for nothing.

idk.. maybe i'm a bigger jerk than you.. maybe you dont feel as bitter.. maybe i am 100% projecting onto to you

50% of me hopes that i am and maybe you feel different... 50% of me hopes that maybe i'm at least a bit right and maybe it can let you know that sometimes the world stops for others too and maybe some of us get it even if we can't fix it

whatever is true and whatever is nonsense of my own making... i won't say what they said... all i can do is say that i love you with all my heart... you're a beautiful person in a lot of pain and i wish i could help

But grief is normal--it's logical and human nature to feel varying degrees of grief over losing someone we love and care about. It's a permanent change, and one that was not invited. No one can or should tell you how you are "supposed" to feel, or what is right or correct.

I don't know how some people attempt to carry on like normal when something tragic happens. I don't think things ARE normal when something tragic happens. It would be illogical to assume that you would be somehow unaffected less than someone else, simply because of your degree and training. You are not a robot, nor should you have to try to "hold it together" for everyone else's expectations (or perceived expectations) of you. If you carried on like everything WAS normal, then you are obviously not okay.

I do think it's something that has to be dealt with though. Are you taking care of yourself? Have you taken any time off from clinicals/work/school so that you can deal with your own emotions? It's hard to help others with their extreme pain, when you are unable to think logically or see clearly through your own. I've known people who took a semester to a year off from school so that they could recover from devastation. There is no shame involved in doing so. Do you speak about this issue with your mother? What about with your therapist? If/when you do, does the pain ever become easier to deal with?

If you were to break things, you probably wouldn't feel any better about the situation. You might even hurt yourself or someone else on accident, and of course your house or something else would then be destroyed. That doesn't mean that I don't identify or understand the feeling of wanting to destroy things in anger. It's doesn't make you a bad person; I am not judging you for feeling like you want to. I want to do things all the time that aren't good for me.

Does your friend who also recently lost her father understand how you feel? Can't you talk about it and be understood with her or your T or your family? Do you feel like there isn't anyone who could possibly know the depths of the pain that you feel? Surely you are not alone. I'm sure your father touched the lives of MANY people in his lifetime. You are now the torch bearer; people who knew him and appreciated him are now going to look to you to carry his flame. Whatever you do in life, it must be done in such a way that you honor your father. Your father only wanted what was best for you. It's a huge responsibility, but you must remember that you are not alone--your father is always with you.

I think losing a parent is devastating. Do you ever feel better when you talk to your T about this?

I lost both of my parents by the time I was 15. It was devastating, to say the least. After the funeral (in both cases), I was just expected to carry on as if nothing happened. I was in 9th grade when my mom died (suddenly, meaning she was alive when I went to bed, and dead when I woke up). she died on a Friday, funeral was on saturday, and I was back in school on Monday! The absurdity of that is crazy-making! I can't even describe the anger and loneliness I felt. It was like being in the twilight zone, and I went along for quite awhile until I felt very much like you do Pink, I wanted to punch a hole in the wall! I didn't do that, but i did do some other behavior that I can't even tell anyone but my T. And it went on for a long time because I was no longer living in the same world as everyone else (or so that is how it seemed). The mismatch between internal and external worlds was too painful to bear.

I agree about "splitting.." and compartmentalizing things, when we can...

And my parents failed me too, just not in speaking my own language, not being emtional. I was bron with this nature and/or capacity..

I had 3 days off from clinicals...been talking to my mom on the phone..believe it or not, she is more emotional now and does seem to meet me at my own deep level...she is coming to-day and bringing our old photo albums, to look back at the past i share with her & my brother Sean..

We can look back for answers or we can look ahead..or both at the same time..

I have decided to stay in clinicals..

I did go to an emergeancy appt with my T and physically I had pain yet emtionally I was fine..I cried and slept a little..we had group therapy and then I drove those without cars home

Funny, Drew who I drove home lives 2 streets down...I still have a full gas tank..