Missing T

Just want to whine for a minute.

I am REALLY MISSING T tonight. I had a chi gong/meditation class with Teacher T. There is one thing that we do in that class that ALWAYS brings out the littlest, most scared part of me. THAT PART OF ME NEEDS T. I don't even like that part of me - and it's where so much terror and sadness and anger and I don't even know what else is stored. The class ended up being so intense. My meditation was so deep that I couldn't even remember most of it when we were done.

This little me NEEDS T. It's Sunday night. T is not available. I left a message, because I can, but talking into the emptiness of his voicemail didn't help.

I feel horrible right now. Seriously awful. Not all here, sort of half here.

This just sucks sometimes.

(((((((((((((((((((((((EARTHYMAMASAN))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I have problems with getting depressed at the worst of all possible times, which is always late at night/early morning when everyone I would talk to is asleep, during the 9-5 hours when everyone I would talk to is at work or class.

When I don't have anyone to reach out to, I read, sleep, or do art or journal. I hate it when I get overwhelming feelings like that, but it's usually pretty transient. A little distraction goes a long way, but I have to deliberately disengage from the obsessive depressing thoughts and physically do something else.

You have a good friend you can talk to that will understand like your T?

Well said. Yeah, it does. Can little you color a picture of how you feel? Maybe make some playdo forms and smash them? Can you draw a picture of T and put it under your pillow? (Or of his office?) One weekend I spent HOURS with my colored pencils drawing his office. It got me through a very dissociative/anxiety ridden episode.

Sigh. There is nothing worse than the longing.

Take care of you.

((((((((((((earthmama))))))))))))

I'm sorry you're feeling this way right now. I hope will help.

Thanks, Simcha

I do have a friend I could talk to, but it's T I want. Him, specifically.

You had good ideas though. Instead of sitting here and getting lost in this (which I am) I should go read or play a game with my son or go to bed or SOMETHING.

Thanks

Maybe I will draw some, Miss C.

Thanks for the hugs, Echoes.

I feel like I am glued to this chair, and it sucks here.

It most certainly does. It's seems cruel, doesn't it, that you can finally identify something that will help you feel better, and then you can't get to him when you need him? So frustrating.

I like Miss C.'s idea of drawing his office a lot. Sometimes, I confess, I will have an imaginary conversation with T in my head, so he can say all the things I know I need to hear. It's not as good as the real thing, but it's comforting.

earthmama, I hope you are feeling much better and that today is a great day for you.

Sunday night, Teacher T gave me her mala beads (buddhist prayer beads) and told me to take them home and hold them whenever I felt like I needed extra help and to bring them back to her next Sunday. It's interesting to have Teacher T's mala beads and T's zuni eagle fetish at the same time. I must have "give me a meaningful transitional object!" written on my forehead - because they were both given to me without me asking, hinting, expecting, or even wanting them. But they both soothe me, and I did what Teacher T said on Sunday night after I posted and sat with the beads - they are very beautiful and I counted them, and looked at them, and rubbed them, and kind of got lost in them. And started to feel a little better.

I FINALLY see T tonight at 6. FINALLY. I haven't seen him since last Monday, which is a long, long, long time for me.

Hugs and Prayers from an Angel!