I CAN take care of myself

I totally understand as I'm going through this, too. I wonder if it is a trust issue, why we keep returning to this subject of not feeling understood?? But then that heightens my anxiety because I'm trying to trust myself and how I feel but I can't, and I don't know when to trust that he knows exactly how to handle this (which would mean he is perfect, which he is not), or to trust neither of us. It makes me feel so disorganized and unsure. Trying to figure this out is maddening at best and the more it happens the more frustrated and hopeless I feel. It's difficult to discuss with T because I feel I'm criticizing him and I don't want to do that. But, that is what I'm thinking/feeling for some reason so I feel totally stuck and the more I think about it the more confused I get. I am so unbelievably discombobulated. I feel lost, if there is a me?? I just don't understand. . .

((((MissC))))

(((MissC)))

I hope the session tomorrow goes well, and I'm so sorry you're having to deal with a rupture.

I had an idea about the couch -- spread a blanket over the couch, and sit on that. Create a 'new' place to sit.

Warm thoughts for you...

Are you me? Sounds like it...

I have a hard time with my T because we are really not on the same wavelength much of the time. I think I need to feel that I understand exactly what is happening because not understanding was so dangerous as a child. I do not like to share when I feel I don't know if it is OK or not. I have been having a hard time in therapy trying to decide how to proceed when things do not seem to be natural. It is hard for me to understand that someone without my experience may not know why and how I react the way I do. It seems to me that everyone must know why people react the way they do, must know why people (like me) are scared, must know, and if they claim not to know, they are lying, they are trying to trick me the way my mother did. All us children knew the score. Doesn't everybody? If they don't, how can they be a therapist?

But, even though my therapy is very frightening at times, I continue to learn in the process, in spite of the lack of understanding of others. My progress is not totally determined by others' understanding. It is determined by my understanding. Hard to do so much by oneself, but maybe it is better that way. You learn independence and self-valuation (if you survive).

OK, I need people to say if this means anything to them or is it just me and the echoes (small e) in my little cave?

I might just go back to the chair. It's been a while......

Thanks Soliaree, Pachy

Soliaree said:

I understand this fear. I remember thinking that somebody in the room better know what's going on because I surely don't!
Yes, me too. I am so completely confused. I think that we are trying to make sense out of something that doesn't make any sense. This is probably when we are our child selves.

Pachy said:

You know, I think this is typical and happens more often than not. I think the challenge is to persist despite not being on the same wavelength. I keep thinking, how can I get T to understand what I mean/feel/need? I think the challenge is to stick with it, and keep trying despite the frustration.

Yes, Pachy I agree and for some reason this makes me sad. I wish I could get T to understand what I KNOW. But I also know that it really doesn't matter in the end whether he does or not. What matters is whether I am accepting of my own knowing. YIKES, I HAVE T IN 2.5 HOURS.

Well, I guess I am back.

Trying to wrap myself around today's session and declare an official end to this rupture-- here goes. Tonight T made a comment about our most recent rupture. He wants me to make less phone calls out of session and bring more of the work into session. I really understand what he means but the little girl in me panicked when he said this. He also said that of course if I am in distress I should call him. He proved to me that he would still be there by calling me back promptly on Friday. Today in session, he said that other people get mad at him when he takes something away but that I just torture him by torturing myself. I know he wants me to fight with him but I can't. It's not my cup of tea. I just internalize the hurt and carry on as best I can. I think on some level I thought he was taking himself away from me.

Tonight I said to him, "If you think I torture myself in order to torture you--you are very wrong. He rolled his eyes.