[MissCharlotte]

I can put T in the Grinch's big Christmas bag and push him over that tall tall cliff. I can put on my invisible force field suit so no-one can reach me or touch me.

I can do this.

[Mouse_]

Yes thats true, but life is a whole lot better when we allow others to be part of our caring for ourselfs??

Originally Posted by MissCharlotte

I can put T in the Grinch's big Christmas bag and push him over that tall tall cliff. I can put on my invisible force field suit so no-one can reach me or touch me.

I can do this.

Well, yeah, you CAN, but why do you want to????

[Angel_of_the_Past]

Miss Charlotte, are you upset with T? Is it something that happened? I will keep you in my prayers, hugs from Angel.

[searchingmysoul]

(((((((MissCharlotte)))))))

I hope you are okay

[ECHOES]

Can you carry T in your heart, like he is carrying you in his?

((((MissC)))))
I'd HATE to see you push T away, literally! Some Who down in Who-ville is going to be lucky (or unlucky depending on how you feel) to open their present and find it's a T!!!

I hope you're okay! Wanna chat about it? PM me if you need me.
Love you lots

[hangingon]

It's ok to be upset with your therapist for going away. It s*cks.

Hangingon

[SpottedOwl]

(((((MissC))))

You Absolutely can do this!!!

What if you rescued poor T from the Grinch's bag, and put him in your heart? Then he would be with you whenever you need him.

[MissCharlotte]

Thank you all for your replies. This is not about his Christmas vacation. We had a rather huge rupture again on Monday. I cried for about 40 minutes and have been barely able to function since. I told him I hated him and that he was an asshole. Yeah, I was real nice. But he deserved it.

He called me today and said he wished to encourage me to come to my session tomorrow so we could talk in session, so I will. It was about a one minute call. Frankly, I am in a rather dark place--unable to see anything, and hating him. He really hurt my feelings. How old am I? Sometimes I feel 6 and sometimes I feel 12. I did tell T that it was so hard because all of my feelings are so tangled together and there is so much hurt still inside.

Here's my dilemma for tomorrow. Aside from the fact that I have NOTHING left to say, I don't know where to sit. After the last rupture I moved from the chair to the couch. Now the couch has rupture remnants on it.

Should I drag in a chair from the waiting room?

Oh God, I feel like crap. I don't know what's going to happen. I'm sad, I'm realizing he's just a man, not superman, just a man who can make mistakes.

[gimmeice]

(((((((((((((((((( MissCharlotte ))))))))))))
I am sorry that you are going through this. If it makes you comfortable then absolutely drag a chair from the waiting room, I am sure if your T don't like the idea he will say something. Sending you plenty of hugs Good luck tomorrow

(((MissC)))),
We've both had MORE than our shares of ruptures! You have a right to be angry and I think you should express this to him when you see him. I have an idea of yours (of course), you could use a poem to tell him how angry you felt towards him and how hurt you were. You could read this:

Author: Dr. Seuss

You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch.
You really are a heel.
You're as cuddly as a cactus,
You're as charming as an eel.
Mr. Grinch.

You're a bad banana
With a greasy black peel.

You're a monster, Mr. Grinch.
Your heart's an empty hole.
Your brain is full of spiders,
You've got garlic in your soul.
Mr. Grinch.

I wouldn't touch you, with a
thirty-nine-and-a-half foot pole.

You're a vile one, Mr. Grinch.
You have termites in your smile.
You have all the tender sweetness
Of a seasick crocodile.
Mr. Grinch.

Given the choice between the two of you
I'd take the seasick crockodile.

You're a foul one, Mr. Grinch.
You're a nasty, wasty skunk.
Your heart is full of unwashed socks
Your soul is full of gunk.
Mr. Grinch.

The three words that best describe you,
are, and I quote: "Stink. Stank. Stunk."

You're a rotter, Mr. Grinch.
You're the king of sinful sots.
Your heart's a dead tomato splot
With moldy purple spots,
Mr. Grinch.

Your soul is an apalling dump heap overflowing
with the most disgraceful assortment of deplorable
rubbish imaginable,
Mangled up in tangled up knots.

You nauseate me, Mr. Grinch.
With a nauseaus super-naus.
You're a crooked jerky jockey
And you drive a crooked horse.
Mr. Grinch.

You're a three decker saurkraut and toadstool
sandwich
With arsenic sauce.

Don't forget to say "just kidding" after you read it to him. Ugh. Oh, and about the chair situation, bring your own! DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT sit on anything that has rupture particles located on its surface!! You deserve better than that! Well, here, you choose:

This is called the "Ejector Chair". All of us in therapy could have used this at one time or another. If you think you'll need it, this is a smart choice.

Your second optioon is called the "Panda" chair. Maybe you could get T to sit in it and you'd have a lot of panda transitional objects!

I'm thinking this chair, the "Peel" Chair might be more to your liking ( or more appealing to you). It goes with your throwing fruit theme. It had to be fate that brought this chair to your attention!
This is the "Peg Chair". Tell T you had him 'pegged' for a nice guy until the rupture if you want to interweave your choice of seating with your therapy, which I'm sure you do.
This is "The Tank". I'm hoping you won't need it. I don't advocate violence. However, there are times that you have to bulldoze over other people to get them to listen. Use at your own discretion.

This is called the "Thinking Chair." Why? I haven't a clue. I guess because you're thinking "Why the @#$@ am I sitting in this stupid looking chair?" while you're sitting in it.

Oh, the "Cactus Chair". It goes with the Grinch theme - "You're as cuddly as a cactus." You won't have to worry about emotional pain when you're sitting in this chair!



I know, I know, it's unbelievably exciting that I would find this, but this is the "Wearable" Chair. Your T would have to wear it and literally bear your pain!

Ooooh, I have to say that this is the one I would choose. It would lessen the power differential gap immediately!

Well, I can't wait to see which one you like. I do know how excruciatingly painful it is to go through ruptures so know that I'm not making light of your pain! I know that you and T will work it out! I keep thinking, okay this rupture is the last, everything is settled. BUT I guess it doesn't work that way. Take care of you!

[MissCharlotte]

(((SOli)))

Leave it to you to make me laugh! I am having a really hard time choosing but I think I will have to go with the wearable chair. Then I get to sit in his lap! Oh wait, I'm still mad at him, so I'll take the throne!

Wish me luck. I'm nervous. And I woke up with a cold from the stress of this week.

[Angel_of_the_Past]

This would be the chair of my choice! I just had a rough spot with my T, hang in there.

Hugs from an Angel!

(((MissC)))
I wish you the best of luck! I'm thinking about ya'!

[Liberada]

(((MissCharlotte))) I hope your session went well or at least better today.

[coconut64]

MC...how was it today?

[MissCharlotte]

Thank you all for your support. Yesterday's session was the hardest yet in two years of therapy. All I can say is that my therapy is very difficult right now. I am 8 years old and I am working through trauma. I am scared, I am lonely. I panic, I cut and I cry. Whenever the discussion of phone calls with T comes up I completely freak out because I think it means that I can't speak to him, and he will abandon me like they did. But all he asked is if I could consider his feelings as well and resist leaving five messages in a row. He encouraged me to call if I was in distress. I heard him say, don't call. It's really weird but I think I am beginning to integrate this 8 year old. She is a handful.

When the adult me can hear this, I begin to gain perspective. But the 8 year old panics. She looks for black and white rules and strong, firm boundaries. T said he was happy to hear me talk about boundaries because as a child there was such a lack of boundaries. He said the rules are not black and white but we have to be considerate of each other's feelings and circumstances. I become confused and go right into a dark, dark place. And then I think I don't need anyone. Ironically, I look at the title of this thread and I know the 8-year old wrote it. She took care of herself because no-one else did. Now she is learning that someone else will take care of her and just what that means.

I am in incredible pain, beyond exhausted, and completely and utterly in awe.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by MissCharlotte

...all he asked is if I could consider his feelings as well and resist leaving five messages in a row. He encouraged me to call if I was in distress. I heard him say, don't call...

Is that what your experience tells you that they meant in the past, behind the fine words? If so, it's not surprising that you are trying to figure out if that's what he is saying now. It's important to find out what is the truth. And scary if you anticipate that there is something behind the words that you don't want to hear. So scary.

[MissCharlotte]

Hi Pachy,

That is an interesting comment, whether I am looking for something behind the words. I think I always do that--probably force of habit. I always look to action to back up words. T returned my calls last night and again this morning because I was in distress, so I guess he really means it when he tells me he will be there if I need him. Yes, the scary part is the child me who found scary things behind benign words.

[sunrise]

(((((MIssCharlotte)))))
I'm glad you went to see T and worked on this. What difficult work.

T returned my calls last night and again this morning because I was in distress, so I guess he really means it when he tells me he will be there if I need him.

It sounds like he does mean it. I am glad he is returning your calls. His actions are backing up his words. He's consistent and caring. Hang in there.

((((MissC)))),
I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time! I guess it's true that progress is painful. I'm thinking about ya'! I'm glad your T is calling you back and meeting your needs so you can get past this

[MissCharlotte]

Thanks again to all. Yes, it is so difficult. I want to strangle him right now. It doesn't feel like progress. Frankly, I'm glad he's taking his Christmas vacation--I take back what I said.

Oh, and don't remind me of this when I freak out while he's gone.

[Angel_of_the_Past]

Hugs from Angel!

[MissCharlotte]

I see T again tomorrow--my dreams and my moods are telling me it ain't over (the rupture). It's probably because I forgot to bring my throne and like a glutton for punishment, I sat on the rupture sofa again on Thursday.

I had a dream last night that I dove into shallow water by accident. Is T shallower than I thought? Negative self images from my childhood are being engaged. I don't want to but I find myself questioning our work and whether
T can continue to meet my needs. I am not in a good place.