Relaxing a boundary

Since there's a lot of interest in boundary talk over in Kiya's thread on boundaries, I thought maybe people could help me with a boundary dilemma I am facing.

I recently set a very firm boundary in my divorce proceedings. T really applauded me for this. He thinks it's great. He floated alternative scenarios several times that invovled my not sticking to this boundary, and each time, I was firm on keeping it. He was really impressed by this and told me how proud he was of me for setting this boundary.

Well, all well and good. But now I am thinking of changing my mind on this boundary and taking it down. A few days have passed, I have some new information, and I had a talk yesterday with my H's lawyer, who did not want me to stick to this boundary, and he invited me to relax it. Over the phone, I held very firm. But now a lot has shifted within me. I am thinking of letting down the boundary. I think it may be the right thing to do. Maybe holding fast to this stance is just my being stubborn and not wanting to back down. I don't want to not do the right thing just because I am afraid to lose face by relaxing the boundary. Plus, T thought it was great I was setting this boundary so firmly. Now I would do away with it and would that therefore mean I had failed once again at setting boundaries?

I really, really hate boundaries. I don't understand them. I thought I was doing so good to set this boundary. But now it may not be the best thing. I don't know. Is relaxing a boundary basically being a wimp? Maybe it is just being flexible and open-minded. Being rigid is not a good thing either.

It just feels so badly to finally stand so firm and then back down! Urrrghhh.

it is really hard to find the balance between being firm and being rigid, being flexible and being walked over. ugh. boundaries are hard.

can you come up with some kind of list of the reasons why you set the boundary you did (e.g., what were the things that made the boundary important to you - something you feel strongly about / value very much etc). why did you feel it was reasonable to set the boundary (e.g., ability of others to meet it, not being as important to them, etc).

what has changed since you set it?

how does that alter your reassessment of how reasonable the boundary is?

if it has changed it then be flexible...
if it hasn't changed it then hold firm!

(skills training manual for DBT has some interesting exercises like this with respect to making requests / granting requests etc for interpersonal interactions / boundary issues)

That is exactly what I am feeling. Your word "ugh" pretty much sums it up!

Thank you, kim. I think I will take a pencil and paper to this problem tonight and try to be rational about it and answer some of your questions. Maybe that will make things clearer....

I think being flexible is a strength. If a person is confident with their power they don't need to posture to tell someone else that they are powerful. When it comes to a very important boundary you just don't budge. Most of the battle is in your own head (if you have power or not). You don't wait for others to give you power so others really don't need to come into the calculation. (My assumption was that this giving on the boundary was really a question about power).

New information makes it a new situation I think! Boundaries aren't meant to be like "walls", they're supposed to be like the invisible boundaries between states? It's fine to go from one state to another but not if you're escaping the police or going over to the other state to buy liquor, because your state doesn't allow its sale, or to otherwise break a law in that state. Think how states work together, that's how you should work with your boundaries; work "with" the other state but also it should support you in not allowing its citizens (your ex-) to come in and break your laws! But whether it does support you or not, that's not your problem, just keeping yourself and your laws and citizens (you and the kids) healthy and happy are your problem/boundary.

As you analyze this boundary and the reason for changing it can you objectively say:
1) changing the boundary conditions clearly benefits me and my children (the benefit here does not necessarily have to be tangible--IMO). However, if the change will not yield SIGNIFICANT benefits...then don't conceded to it at this point. Hold off and brainstorm for another solution.
2) changing the boundary conditions are not going to but me or my children at greater risk (in any perceivable way). Any changes that would potentially expose you or your children to unethical behaviors, violence, abuse, loss of security, loss of a financial safety net should raise a big red flag not matter how complex the emotional stuff gets.
3) when you look at the change and think solely about myself and what I want, making the adjustment does not require me ignore myself, does not create a situation where I will be required to act in a way that is inconsistent with my authentic self, and if I was responsible only for myself I would still be willing to make the same change in order to move forward.

I hope that before you back off on your boundary you really, really spend time looking for alternative ways to address the problem.

One of my friends is considering lifting a PFA order she has in place against her husband. There are some very complex circumstances in this issue not the least of which is that she really loves the guy and wants him to get help for himself. However, in this friends situation... lifting the order at this point would place her in physical danger. Unfortunately, as the other circumstances increase the pressure on her... she tends to forget about how dangerous the situation REALLY is. Sunrise, I don't know what your specific situation is... but I hope you are writing down your pros and cons list and confiding in others like your T, your lawyer, or a close friend- to help you keep clear, objective, and to help you maintain your endurance throughout this long process. I'm sure you are communicating with your T. although I worry about his conflict of interest in this situation since he is really serving in the coach role for both you and your H.

Sunrise...my only concern about you relaxing a boundary at this stage in the game where I asume you're still negotiating, would be whether it sets a precedent that you're not serious with your boundaries. Think about why your H's lawyer asked you to relax it and what that says about you. If you relax this one, will you be able to set and enforce future boundaries???. I obviously don't know what we are taking about here so I'm just offering food for thought with a grain of salt. It seems to me from here that you're doing a good job in a very complicated situation.

((sunrise)))

this statement is your lock and key.....

I really, really hate boundaries. I don't understand them. I thought I was doing so good to set this boundary. But now it may not be the best thing. I don't know. Is relaxing a boundary basically being a wimp? Maybe it is just being flexible and open-minded. Being rigid is not a good thing either.

in the beginning (which comes at the end of your post ) you state your angst and reluctance to deal... setting a stage for burdensome mental work and fatigue.. this is actually good.. experience has shown you that you must prepare for the load you are about to accept... your body and mind become rigid (thus some fatigue) and you brace yourself to enter the unknowing....

go peacefully...

at the end you give yourself your truth.... being rigid is not a good thing either..

boundaries are for your protection.... no need to be a bully, but kind, firm, repetitive statements to yourself that you are doing this cause it is making you feel better will keep you going.. we all run out of gas sometimes

but just be easy.... do 'tests' but not really 'testing' .... allow yourself to gather some experience with understanding friends and together you can open up the pathways to better and better understanding

i hope this helps some

let us know how you are doing, sweetie... if you need more concrete suggestions or a hand or something... i hope you get the chance to talk this through with your t before you need to decide... sometimes just hearing a (relatively) more objective opinion can help. and much needed support for whatever you decide. if you are like me i'd bet you err towards being overly flexible (aka walked over) but you know what? it really is okay to err in the other direction sometimes. everybody makes mistakes and nobody is perfect and boundary issues are the HARDEST THING IN THE WORLD for the inter-personally skillful as well as the not so skillful (as i surely am not). hang in there you...

Well, I was all prepared to relax the boundary and I had come up with a compromise that set a less stringent boundary, so I could still protect myself and save some face. But then a lot came together in the last couple of days, and my conditions were met, my boundary (the original, strict one) was honored.

So I held firm and people respected that. That feels good but I now appreciate more the risks of being too rigid when boundary setting. So it's been a good learning experience. I make mistakes. I learn over time. Sometimes setting a boundary works. Kind of amazing. I think this is the only time I can remember in my life when I set such a major boundary and held firm. I'm usually so accommodating and never set anything at all and end up being walked on. This boundary had some risk involved, because if it was not respected, it could have cost me a lot of money.

I can't believe this came out OK.

that is awesome Sunrise :-)

i've been having some boundary issues myself today and much to my surprise... i think they went okay and my boundary is going to be respected :-)

i really am so very happy for you. can be exhausting, huh. i'm so glad we both got through that.