[peaches100]

I've been working with my therapist for almost 10 years, and there's one thing that keeps coming up in our work. I feel like I need safe physical touch from her. Much of our work is deeply painful, and there are times when just saying "That must have felt awful" or "I'm sorry you had to go through that" just don't bring comfort. Most of the traumatic stuff has to do with my childhood, and when we visit those things (either in discussions or EMDR), I get. . .I dunno. . .almost like flashbacks where I feel just like how I did as a child when I faced overwhelming situations without any rescue. What I honestly feel that I need at those times is to have my t come sit next to me and hold my hand or hug me while I cry it all out. That's what I truly think I need. That's what I didn't ever have before, and what it feels like I need now is to feel comforted when all that strong pain hits me. Sometimes, the pain is just too much, and all I can think of is that I need someone to rescue me from it or make it bearable. Having my t sit across from me in her chair and just witness my pain doesn't help me get what I feel like I really need to heal.

I've talked to my t about my desire for physical touch several times. She has wavered about it, saying at times that she would hug me or hold my hand if I ask her. But she never offers to do it or makes any moves to come sit next to me when I break down and sob. I've told her that I am unable to ask for what I need once I get into that place of pain where I feel like a hurting child who needs rescue. But she doesn't even offer.

She has told me she is hesitant to provide physical comfort because of my past history of SA as a child by a neighbor who both comforted and abused me. But I was abused by a man, and she's a woman. Even at times when I dissociate somewhat and go into that childlike state, I think there is very little likelihood that I'd lose contact with who she is and respond to her as though she were my/an abuser. I'm a married, straight woman and have no physical attraction toward her that could confuse the issue. It really hurts me that my t won't provide the kind of basic physical comfort that I so lacked as a child and feel such great need for. It's not something that my husband can give me, as it is not a romantic or even adult need. It's a need for nurturing and soothing, like a child would want when they are hurting and in pain.

My t has taught me some self-soothing techniques and DBT skills, and I've used them. I've also attempted to soothe myself by picturing myself holding those scared child parts of me and giving myself soothing messages. But it just doesn't help. It doesn't make the pain feel better or make me feel any comfort.

I've learned much from therapy and continue to learn much, and in general it's going well. But we keep coming back to this same issue. There seems no way to resolve it. If my t wants me to confront and work through my traumas, then I need comfort from her to be able to tolerate how much emotional pain is coming up for me. I don't think I can do it without. I don't want to even "go there" if every time I end up hurting so much inside and can't feel any comfort.

[peaches100]

How many of you have t's who are willing to use safe touch with you?

[Sannah]

Peaches, you really know what you need. This is so good! I like that you are comforting your inner child. I don't know what to tell you about your therapist but what you explained makes a lot of sense. Here is a hug for you .......

mine does...but she will ask before she does to make sure it is safe for me as i was severely abused as a child..usually when i get lost in a memory or a scary place she will ask if she can come sit next to me and then ask if she can touch me...most times all i can manage is a slight head nod

if we ask her for a hug she will give us one and sometimes she will ask to give us one out of the blue (like if the session has been difficult or we made progress or holiday etc)

we never had any positive touch growing up either so safe touch scary for us...it does ground us tho

I understand the heartbreak one feels when they tell their T how they really want safe, non-sexual physical touch in therapy and then have that "rejected". My previous T would hold my littles (child alters) but when it came to me, she thought I'd some how warp it into being abused. It hurt a lot - and validated my thoughts that I'm not trustworthy and am being punished for being a victim. I'm actually discussing these issues now with my current T because it was such a painful thing for me.

My current T allows safe physical touch. She's held my littles and given us all hugs.

I think safe physical touch has it's place in therapy, but it is dependent upon the therapist's and the client's comfort level. Her refusing may not be an issue with YOU, but an issue she has within herself.

I have a lot of safe, physical touch in therapy.

T holds my hands when I ask him to, or will reach out for my hands if I am having a hard time. We hug at the end of session. Once when I was crying on the couch (we both sit on the couch) he reached over and hugged me while I cried.

It sounds like your therapist will touch you but only if you ask?? Can you specifically ask her ahead of time to hold your hands when you get to that spot when it's too painful for you to ask her, but you need it? Maybe you can have a sort of "signal", like you will reach out your hand, but you don't have to say the words right then....

It sounds like you know what you need....I hope you and T can continue talking about this and find a solution that feels good to both of you.

[coconut64]

Mt T is psychoanalytic, they don't permit touch. I don't want hugs, but I really want him to hold my hand sometimes. I haven't asked but I know he wont. He believes that therapy will wake up my longings and cravcings for love, touch, attention, etc and that should be fulfilled outside of therapy.

[chaotic13]

Maybe someone else can meet this need.Don't take that statement as me being a jerk- just suggesting that you open yourself to the possiblity that maybe your T is not the person who is going to meet this need.

In reading your post, I am struck by how truly blessed I am. It seems like everytime I recognize I have an authentic need, I look around and realize I have someone around waiting to provide it. I have a lot of issues with touch, most of the time it makes me uncomfortable, and I don't seek it. However, lately I seem to be a little more interested in it. Over a year ago when I first start therapy, I was encourage to make a few close friend. Turns out one of the two people I converted from casual friend to "close friend" is very... expressive. In the middle of conversations she sometimes just reaches out and grabs my hand or arm or just hug me for no appearent reason. These actions really confused me and made me think to myself...what the heck did she do that for? I never mentioned to her that it touch bothered me, I just kind of tolerated the discomfort it caused me.

The amazing thing is..Now a year later, I am staring deal with this issue and want to explore touch a little bit... And it just happens that I now have a close friend who naturally safe touches! She gave me one of her big hugs the other day...and I actually felt the warmth for the first time! I got a glimpse of what others probably feel all the time and think nothing of it.

Bottom line...I believe there are people who bring the power of touch into the world. Sounds like your T doesn't have this gift to offer you. Maybe some else in your life has this gift and you just haven't noticed or recognized it yet.If you've communcated this need to your T, and she hasn't respond, she likely isn't trying to deny you. She probably just doesn't have it to give.

In the meantime here is a great big (((((cyberhug))))) to encourage you to be open and ready. What you really need...you get, it just may come from an unexpected source.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by peaches100

I've talked to my t about my desire for physical touch several times. She has wavered about it, saying at times that she would hug me or hold my hand if I ask her. But she never offers to do it or makes any moves to come sit next to me when I break down and sob. I've told her that I am unable to ask for what I need once I get into that place of pain where I feel like a hurting child who needs rescue. But she doesn't even offer.

It sounds like she is willing to give you touch but is cautious because of your history. I can understand it would be hard to verbalize when you get to that painful place. Could you work out a hand signal or something so that when you need comfort and can't ask, you could make the hand signal, and then she could give you the touch you want? It might be a less than ideal compromise, but still get you what you want so much.

How many of you have t's who are willing to use safe touch with you?

My T and I often hug at the end of a session, but that is the only touch we have shared. When I am recounting traumatic events, or doing EMDR, we do not touch. I feel during these times, he is very close to me and holds me even without touching. Sometimes he will make a hugging motion with his arms from where he sits across from me and say, "I am holding you." I do feel very close to him during these times and feel his deep caring and empathy. He has also taught me to visualize rescuing my hurting little girl inside and then do it.

[chaotic13]

Just talking in therapy about touch is giving me all I need at the moment.

The more I think about it... my no-touch therapy is working for me, because that is were i am at the moment. The hug encounter with my friend, was profound and made me consider that I might like to experience more safe physical contact in the future. Maybe a year from now... I'll be posting a thread stating that I've outgrown my no touch therapy and want to change the rules and add some type of physical component. I can't imagine this happening with me or with my current T at the moment... because it would be threatening to me.

If you ask your T for something... and they either cannot or will not provide it then that might be a good cue that its time for a change.

[Simcha]

I wish I knew the answer of how to deal with this... it doesn't seem weird or anything to want to be hugged or held or something if your feeling hurt.

I'm a little bit odd in that I would be freaked out by any sort of touch. I've never even cried in therapy, so maybe I'm just different. I wouldn't be any different about it if my T were a female vs. a male either (I don't think).

Fortunately my T hasn't tried to hug me or anything... cuz then I'd freak out!
I have thus far only been able to hug family members and close friends and significant others. I feel supported by the simple fact that my T listens to all my crap... lol. No, really I have a great T who shows support in every other way, and I don't feel like I'm missing out.

[phoenix7]

my T doesnt touch but then I dont let her that close to me - I have my physical space and feel very uncomfortable when someone comes too close - much as the child inside would love a hug or a hand touch the adult will not let her have it -hmmmmm history repeating itself?

Well, she did tell you she would do it if you asked. Maybe it is time to directly ask for what you need-- I know that's hard because there is always a fear of rejection.

As far as my T (he is male, I am female), he has held my hand in session, and touched my arm where the scars are. He has also tapped on my knees for EMDR (he asked first), and sometimes when I leave his office he will give me a pat on the shoulder. It has been made clear that there is no hugging, and although there are times when I sitting with my pain in therapy, and I long for him to hold me, I really wouldn't want to get involved in any type of hug (at least I don't think) because of transference issues.

Originally Posted by pinksoil

I really wouldn't want to get involved in any type of hug (at least I don't think) because of transference issues.

Right before the physical touch started with my T, I had a flash of erotic transference. Somehow, since the physical touch began, that is TOTALLY gone. I don't know if it's because some of the "mystery" of him, and of touching him, is gone? Or if I subconsciously pushed those feelings aside so the physical touch would be safe and not confusing??

I've checked in with myself a bunch of times around this, and the ET is just GONE. But the parental transference is pretty extreme. Hum.