[sittingatwatersedge]

dear all,
if you have a spare Hail Mary or other prayer lying around, you might point it my way today. I have an appt to see T this afternoon, & my anxiety level is very surprising & increasing.
She said (at last) that she was seeing some progress; I feel saddened, and scared, by what I've learned so far, and right now it's like I am totally at sea. thanks so much

((((((((((((((((((((((((sittingatwatersedge))))))))))))))))))))))))))

On the days I see T, my anxiety is sky high...I know just how you feel.

I'm thinking of you and sending wishes that your appointment helps you find a little peace.

[missboots]

Sittingatwatersedge, I know exactly how you feel. I skip lunch since my time is 1:45 and I am to nervous.

[cai23]

Can relate to the anxiety your feeling. Sending calming vibes your way.

[coconut64]

Sending calming thoughts your way....picture dolphins dancing in the ocean.

[phoenix7]

fingers, toes and knees crossed for you! hope i dont fall over!

I find i am anxious before an appointment - sometimes to the point of wanting to cancel the appt - but I go because I know i need to and that they can help me - sending calm and relaxed vibes your way P7

(((((((((((((((((((((sittingatwatersedge))))))))))))))))))))))

How did it go today??

[velcro003]

oh, so i'm not the only one who gets nervous before an appointment?! My heart was beating faster just reading about being nervous. haha.

[sittingatwatersedge]

all - thank you so much for your support. You folks are really the BEST.

Yesterday was a sort of review of all we;ve gone through so far; i get the feeling it's a sort of plateau & am terrified to look over the edge at what is next but I didn't tell her that. she scheduled my next appt for FOUR WEEKS OUT yikes I didn;t realize it till after I left, on one hand I don't know what I will do till then & on the other hand i think she wants me to work on beating down the denial that I feel for what we've looked at so far.
when I left I told her God bless you and have a merry Christmas and she said the same and patted my arm as I went through the door - THAT was a real first. so maybe it didn't go all that bad. thank you all again!

[phoenix7]

glad it went well - she must think you are doing well to schedule for four weeks time - congrats!

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by phoenix7

glad it went well - she must think you are doing well to schedule for four weeks time - congrats!

so...... you don't suppose that scheduling me 4 wks out is sort of pushing me away? I think I worry about that too much.

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

so...... you don't suppose that scheduling me 4 wks out is sort of pushing me away? I think I worry about that too much.

(((((((((sitting))))))))))

If that is a fear of yours, you need to talk to T about it. It is in those little fears that pop up that we discover our deepest issues, fears, etc.

If I was REALLY worried about that,I would call T and ask "are you pushing me away? why am I not seeing you for 4 weeks?" Otherwise, I'd get lost in my spiral and make myself crazy for 4 weeks.

[phoenix7]

I agree with earthmama - if it bothers you ask about it - its the only way to know for sure - i find that second guessing only makes me nore stressed -take care P7

[sunrise]

sittingatwatersedge, I'm glad your session went well today. And you had such a nice good-bye exchange at the door.

i get the feeling it's a sort of plateau

Do you think your T shares your view? By plateau, do you mean you've kind of slowed down your progress or are stuck? Or have you reached your goal?

How often do you usually see your T? It seems like if she were scheduling you for an unusually long time between sessions, she would have mentioned it? Do you think she made a mistake? If you usually go weekly and she doesn't schedule you for a month, that would be odd! And it would make me curious too if it were me. I hope you can go as often as you need to. If you feel 4 weeks is too long, could you change it?

[sittingatwatersedge]

Sunrise -
about "we seem to have reached a plateau" you ask, Do you think your T shares your view? By plateau, do you mean you've kind of slowed down your progress or are stuck? Or have you reached your goal?

Nowhere near the goal.
A while back, T had me write a time line of my life, from earliest memory to now. We've now gone through the years when I was at home; the era in which things were done to me & I was powerless. We start next on some very dark years, when I go on my own, on the warpath against others & against myself. I don't like this person and am dreading it.

I usually see T every 3 wks if things are going OK, every 2 wks if she thinks I need it (can't do weekly, wish I could).

I think the 4 wks is intentional. I think T's giving me a good long period in which to "process" what I've learned so far, it is mostly not good news. I was stunned to find tremendous abuse, from the beginning to age 18, abuse of many kinds. My family was not at all like I'd always thought; my childhood & teen years too; I had no idea of anything building up over that time.

The knowledge makes me feel robbed, griefstricken, deeply angry. At the same time I blame myself, and feel intensely shamed, ungrateful, self-centered. It is going to take a while to get past denial, and accept all this... and cry, and cry, and cry....

When we got into this timeline I expressed dismay at some of the things I could see once they were all on paper, and T said, "You are finally starting to make some sense of your life." Well at age 56 it's about time isn't it.

You asked >> If you feel 4 weeks is too long, could you change it?
well the holidays get in the way. I am going to try to go with her 4 wks, if it gets too hard I will call her.
Thanks for your support, all of you!!

[Mouse_]

And remember amongst all the pain there was a unique child that carried you through! she will never leave you.

[phoenix7]

which proves you are brave and strong and you can do this

[searchingmysoul]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

Sunrise -
about "we seem to have reached a plateau" you ask, Do you think your T shares your view? By plateau, do you mean you've kind of slowed down your progress or are stuck? Or have you reached your goal?

Nowhere near the goal.
A while back, T had me write a time line of my life, from earliest memory to now. We've now gone through the years when I was at home; the era in which things were done to me & I was powerless. We start next on some very dark years, when I go on my own, on the warpath against others & against myself. I don't like this person and am dreading it.

I usually see T every 3 wks if things are going OK, every 2 wks if she thinks I need it (can't do weekly, wish I could).

I think the 4 wks is intentional. I think T's giving me a good long period in which to "process" what I've learned so far, it is mostly not good news. I was stunned to find tremendous abuse, from the beginning to age 18, abuse of many kinds. My family was not at all like I'd always thought; my childhood & teen years too; I had no idea of anything building up over that time.

The knowledge makes me feel robbed, griefstricken, deeply angry. At the same time I blame myself, and feel intensely shamed, ungrateful, self-centered. It is going to take a while to get past denial, and accept all this... and cry, and cry, and cry....

When we got into this timeline I expressed dismay at some of the things I could see once they were all on paper, and T said, "You are finally starting to make some sense of your life." Well at age 56 it's about time isn't it.

You asked >> If you feel 4 weeks is too long, could you change it?
well the holidays get in the way. I am going to try to go with her 4 wks, if it gets too hard I will call her.
Thanks for your support, all of you!!

(((((((sittingatwatersedge)))))))

What you have written here deeply resonates with me. You are not alone. And you are terribly brave.

[sittingatwatersedge]

I am not in the least brave.
Ask my pastor - every 6 weeks or so I go to see him asking his opinion on whether I maybe should quit therapy, even though we both know that's not a solution.

[phoenix7]

but you dont quit, you persevere and thats brave

[sittingatwatersedge]

There are people here at PC who take my breath away, and beside whom i feel like a whiner. My goodness, I find that in the face of suffering there is so much love and care and yes bravery among the people at this site - I feel truly blessed to know all of you, I learn from you every day.