[peaches100]

I'm having trouble accepting reality. Therapists are big on acceptance of reality. And yet doing that makes you acknowledge horribly painfull things that you have no power to change. Or makes you face your own horrible internal pain over events in your past that have already happened to you and can't be undone.

There's a part of me that needs to believe my parents cared enough about me to to keep an eye on my whereabouts so that i wouldn't stumble into the hands of a pedophile. There's a part of me that needs to believe that my parents wouldn't igore my emotional pain, that they wouldn't be neglectful in ways that could hurt me. Yet through talking about things in therapy, it's dawning on me that perhaps they were neglectful. I can't begin to describe how much I am internally fighting this reality because of the pain I know will result from knowing the truth.

Both my therapist and my husband seem to feel that finding out that my parents were neglectful will help me. They say that if I acknowledge that what happened to me was because of my parents' deficits, and not my fault, that I will stop blaming myself for things that went wrong in the relationship. They think that I will stop feeling like a bad person and that a weight will be lifted from my shoulders. But this is not true.

It hurts me far, far more to think that my parents, for whatever reasons, ignored my emotional pain and failed to protect me, than to blame myself for not deserving protection. It kills me to think that much of the pain inside me could have been prevented if my parents had been willing to make the sacrifices necessary to raise children properly, rather than putting themselves and their own needs first. I don't know if I can EVER accept this truth, or the pain it brings. And I find myself becoming more and more upset and angry as my husband and therapist tell me that this is the reality.

How is knowing this going to free me of the pain of what happened? How is it going to make my life better to realize I was neglected? So far, as the realization dawns on me, all I feel is more sadness and upset as I remember all the times as a child that I was in dire straits and had nobody to help me cope with it. There's nobody in my life today who can change that or undo it, or even give me the kind of loving, nurturing help I needed. My t gives what she can, but it is not enough to quell the pain. Nobody can give to me what I missed out on. So why even ask me to face such a painful reality in the first place?

[Sannah]

Peaches, you are doing really good work here. You must have a good therapist too and your husband sounds supportive!

You ask how is knowing this going to free you of the pain of what happened? What will free you of the pain is letting the pain out. How can the pain come out if you feel that you deserved this treatment? The dilemma that you have explained about your parents and their responsibility in this has always perplexed me. If your parents neglected you does this hurt because then they must have not loved you in your mind? If you deserved this treatment then it was for your own good and they were being loving parents?

[cantstopcrying]

It sounds like their goal is to relieve you of the guilt you have, relieve you from somehow blaming yourself, thinking you were responsible. Acknowledging your parents were neglectful will bring with it a whole new set of issues, but will release you from the self-blame. To me, that sounds like where they are going.

[sorrel]

By acknowledging that you don't have to neglect yourself any more, and by making a conscious effort to nurture yourself now.
I've been through the process that you're describing, and very recently, too. It is possible to come through.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by peaches100

...How is knowing this going to free me of the pain of what happened? How is it going to make my life better to realize I was neglected?

Dr Lloyd Richmond >> ...a core element of good psychotherapy is the ability to disentangle yourself from all sorts of illusory identifications with others and to stop using others to fill your emotional emptiness.

A large part of psychotherapy, therefore, focuses on one’s parents. You have to learn to see them as they are, with all of their faults that you were blind to as a child. This isn’t pleasant work. But it isn’t meant to blame your parents, either; instead, openly acknowledging all the ways they have hurt you frees you from unconscious anger and allows you, ultimately, to forgive them.

just my own experience, I never thought I would get over my rage & hurt toward my Dad - but recently I did an "empty chair" exercise and to my complete surprise I glimpsed forgiveness on the horizon... the far horizon, it's true, but the fact that it was really there hit me very hard, and it made me happy 24 hrs a day for many days. when things get dark again for me, and they do, I try to remember that and it helps. I think one day I will be able to forgive him, and it's something I am looking forward to. "you shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free"...

[claudiac]

I loved Gestalt Therapy (empty chair) when I went through it. It was so healing and such an eye opener into understanding the thoughts, feelings, and abilities of my parents. I am glad you experienced this breakthrough. The process will only get better & easier from here on in. Hurrah!

[gimmeice]

((((((((((((((( peaches100 )))))))))))))))))
Accepting reality helps you to understand the reasons that you have developed certain coping skills, which is the first step in changing. Yes it is a painful process but once these things are worked through it can lead to such a positive outcome that it is definitely worth it.
Exploring this issue has allowed me to really feel anger towards what I was put through, I am still working on a similar issue, as I start to gain a new understanding about how I became the person that I am today it really helps me to start to cope better with current situations.

[nowheretorun]

for me, i choose to at least observe reality... i can choose what to accept in some cases and i can create a new reality filled with hope... i dont need to forgive or accept those who harmed me, but reality is, it continues unless it is somehow brought to a conclusion.... deciding what level we are comfortable in accepting 'reality' at is a step in our process towards healing.. as we grow and understand we might come to resting places where everything is not great, but its ok enough and we review past materials... in time, some event will cause us to move forward again... suffering of one is suffering of all...

[Simcha]

Originally Posted by peaches100

I'm having trouble accepting reality. Therapists are big on acceptance of reality. And yet doing that makes you acknowledge horribly painfull things that you have no power to change. Or makes you face your own horrible internal pain over events in your past that have already happened to you and can't be undone.

There's a part of me that needs to believe my parents cared enough about me to to keep an eye on my whereabouts so that i wouldn't stumble into the hands of a pedophile. There's a part of me that needs to believe that my parents wouldn't igore my emotional pain, that they wouldn't be neglectful in ways that could hurt me. Yet through talking about things in therapy, it's dawning on me that perhaps they were neglectful. I can't begin to describe how much I am internally fighting this reality because of the pain I know will result from knowing the truth.

Both my therapist and my husband seem to feel that finding out that my parents were neglectful will help me. They say that if I acknowledge that what happened to me was because of my parents' deficits, and not my fault, that I will stop blaming myself for things that went wrong in the relationship. They think that I will stop feeling like a bad person and that a weight will be lifted from my shoulders. But this is not true.

It hurts me far, far more to think that my parents, for whatever reasons, ignored my emotional pain and failed to protect me, than to blame myself for not deserving protection. It kills me to think that much of the pain inside me could have been prevented if my parents had been willing to make the sacrifices necessary to raise children properly, rather than putting themselves and their own needs first. I don't know if I can EVER accept this truth, or the pain it brings. And I find myself becoming more and more upset and angry as my husband and therapist tell me that this is the reality.

How is knowing this going to free me of the pain of what happened? How is it going to make my life better to realize I was neglected? So far, as the realization dawns on me, all I feel is more sadness and upset as I remember all the times as a child that I was in dire straits and had nobody to help me cope with it. There's nobody in my life today who can change that or undo it, or even give me the kind of loving, nurturing help I needed. My t gives what she can, but it is not enough to quell the pain. Nobody can give to me what I missed out on. So why even ask me to face such a painful reality in the first place?

It is better to accept reality, than to live a LIE, isn't it? That's like being delusional, right?

Why would anyone want to take the blame for anything, let alone for two adults? I never would, especially when it would be to put on a facade for someone else. Secondly, if you have children, you might ask yourself twice if you would let your children spend any time with their grandparents--alone. If your parents have not changed much, you might want to reconsider.

It also doesn't mean you have to "villainize" your parents. Acceptance of the truth (which is pretty inevitable at this point for you I believe) is not synonymous with assigning blame or creating villains out of your parents.
I also believe in such a thing as forgiveness, if one is deserving of such.

Have you told your T exactly what you have told us here today?

There is ALWAYS hope--it is not a part of false reality; it ALWAYS exists.

[pachyderm]

"If even my own parents did not care about me, what kind of person must I be?"

Early in my therapies people would suggest to me that I should be angry at my father, and I could not see that. I needed to think the best of him, otherwise I would have had no one on my side. The thought that parents might not be good is so frightening to a child, that a child needs to see herself as the bad one, instead of the parents, upon whom all depends. If she is bad, then maybe she can change and make things OK; if the parents are bad, then the situation is desperate.

[phoenix7]

Originally Posted by pachyderm

I needed to think the best of him, otherwise I would have had no one on my side.

I was like that with my mum - realising that she was adamaged human being who did the best she could at the time with no support helped me understand but was very painful and took my last rock away.

The thought that parents might not be good is so frightening to a child, that a child needs to see herself as the bad one, instead of the parents, upon whom all depends. If she is bad, then maybe she can change and make things OK; if the parents are bad, then the situation is desperate.

I think you hit the nail on the head there - if things happened to me it was because i was the bad one - if only i had been a good girl things would have been ok - I can deal with that - finding out that my dad was a sexual abuser (my mum didnt know and threw him out when she found out - I hope thats the truth) and a mental abuser who didnt feed 3 of his six children somtimes because they were evil - and finding out my mum knew that - that i cant deal with - so its back to if only i had been a good girl things would have been ok - much easier to deal with.

But reality is what it is and i think we waste a lot of our time and energy denying it - the pain is incredible, unbearable at times - but we bear it and hopefully move forward. Take care P7

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by phoenix7

But reality is what it is and i think we waste a lot of our time and energy denying it - the pain is incredible, unbearable at times - but we bear it and hopefully move forward. Take care P7

YES. thank you

[peaches100]

Sannah,

My t has said the same thing. . .that by letting the pain out, I will heal. But what happens for me over and over is that, whenever I talk about the reality, I get very upset and depressed. My t has taught me coping skills, but nothing seems to help when I face the pain and feel it. It feels just as bad as if it was happening all over again. Then I feel that I need some kind of comfort or relief from my t to help me deal with it but she does not hug me or hold my hand and I end up feeling all alone with the pain. Then afterward, sometimes for days after the session, I have a seriously depressed feeling in my head and find it hard to function well at work or home. It's almost as though I'm retraumatized every time I try to face it and talk about it in session. My t keeps thinking if I get more coping skills or could limit "how much" pain comes out at a time, I'll be OK. But it just doesn't work.

How can the pain come out if you feel that you deserved this treatment?

I guess that's the point. I don't want to feel the pain of knowing that my parents neglected me in some ways and caused me such pain. Somehow, it doesn't hurt near as bad to think that I just did not deserve it. Knowing that they could have done something more to help, and chose to turn their backs, breaks my heart. I don't know if I can ever accept or believe that.

If your parents neglected you does this hurt because then they must have not loved you in your mind? If you deserved this treatment then it was for your own good and they were being loving parents

That is absoutely 100% spot on. That's how I feel. Feeling that they didn't love me enough to help and protect me when I faced emotional pain and problems is too much for me to bear.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by peaches100

Feeling that they didn't love me enough to help and protect me when I faced emotional pain and problems is too much for me to bear.

Maybe they could not love you enough at the time. It is not your fault. They had problems and could not give you what you needed. That is not a condemnation of you -- or of them.

[peaches100]

But if they couldn't love me, then there had to be something wrong with me. Parents usually always bond to their children. It almost seems built in. There had to be something wrong with me that they did not want to bond with me. And they seemed to have bonded with my sister. So it does feel like my fault. . .

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by peaches100

But if they couldn't love me, then there had to be something wrong with me.

Nope. I know that's how it feels often, but that is not logical!

Things happen sometimes, it doesn't mean that it was your fault.

[Sannah]

Dearest Peaches, seems you have found the issue which is holding you up here, good work. I agree with Pachy and I have forgiven my parents for this exact thing. Sometimes parents just can't do any better. They have all sorts of problems and they just can't see things correctly.

Bonding with children is natural but it seems like all sorts of mental and emotional problems can supercede it.

I think that all of these parents still love their children. They just have so many problems that it twists things up pretty good?

[Mouse_]

Originally Posted by peaches100

But if they couldn't love me, then there had to be something wrong with me. Parents usually always bond to their children. It almost seems built in. There had to be something wrong with me that they did not want to bond with me. And they seemed to have bonded with my sister. So it does feel like my fault. . .

My adoptive mother appeared to have bonded with my birth brother, but not me. What was happening was that the wounded and unacceptable parts she had split off from herself she injected into us...for my brother though it appeared she bonded with him, she infact was emotionally emeshed with him, raising him to fear letting her down and growing away, and me she injected her mother who died and "left" her when she was 5 and took her anger she refused to own into me and I grew up not wanting to be near her, the oppersite to my brother, so neither of us really had a normal healthy relationship with her...she didn't see us, who we were, all she could see was her wounds and parented us with that in the forefront...and unless someone like this gets help, they will never realise it and always continue to put the blame outside of themselves, so you see its not you, its your parents ghosts they were responding too...on one hand thats a relief because it means it never reallly was about "us", but on the other hand you have to mourn the loss of your parents never ever really seeing the true you...so look closer, does you sibling have the ablity to live as she/he really should be? Or is he/she the one that carries the other responsiblity of being your parents carer??? I am the black sheep thiank gawd!!!! I got to find out who I am because I was always pushed out...

((((((Peaches)))))))))),
I understand your dilemma. Children who are abused by a parent (or neglected by a parent, or have a parent as a bystander to the abuse)often do not have the capability to deal with the fact that the one who should love and protect them is also the one who is hurting them or letting them be hurt. So, that's why children internalize that they are bad, so they can keep their parent good because they desperately need the parent as a safe, secure, base. It's understandable that your feelings now are the same as they were then, as are your intense fears of not having someone to protect you. You needed this defense as a child to help you survive. I guess your therapist is saying that you don't need this defense now to be safe? Maybe, especially since you have verbalized it, you truly know reality but only at a subconscious level? Things that we know at a subconscious label can often be the root cause of emotional/mental issues and we have to bring it to conscious awareness to deal with it. Maybe your fight is not with your t and husband, but within yourself and you are projecting it onto them? Denial is so wonderful in protecting us from pain, it's one I use whenever I can. I suspect that the pain is already there and that you somehow know this -- otherwise how could you avoid something in which you are unaware? I'm just thinking out loud right now, I may be way off track. I know how painful it is feeling emotionally abandoned and I offer you my deepest empathy. If I ever find the solution, I'll let you know. If you find it, please do the same. Take care of yourself!

[Irine]

You see - YOU KNOW that your parents neglacted you. you don`t really have illustions about it. But you say "why shoulod i believe it, eccept it as reality?

If you know something deep inside of you - but you try very hard to deny it - THIS creates stress and upset feelings!

I know what you mean about the pain. There are no pain killers for our sould. This process hurts and the only way out is through



When you let the pain out it is no longer inside you. at the begining it is just pain but after a while there are moments of enlightment...

This is a facinating process of descovering WHO YOU REALLY ARE...

Do you BELIEVE you were neglected? If you think for a fact that its not true, thats 1 thing. If you know its true - then it IS true and there is no place for doubt here. If you pretend everything was fine it creates much more tenssion than hurting because of the truth and then letting it go

heck..i should do that myself...

Good luck
Seems like God blessed you, if not with good parents then with a good husband and a good therapist - and thats already something!