Then and Now.

I was thinking last night about T and suddenly all the jealousys sprung up again about her being mother to her children and only being limited to me..yes the pain and anguish is still there.....then I thought back to a session when were talking about not being able to see what I do have...and realised that if I torment myself with seeing T only her role as mother to her children then yes, it does hurt, does bring up all the old feelings I felt as a child...but If I focus in on the relationship I do have with her then the torment easys...then I done some thinking about what she keeps telling me about old feelings being triggered and brought up by events in the here and now...but I have never been able to see that the feelings belong to another time, mainly because some of my wounds are pre-verbal and sometimes I have a hard time believe me as I am today really existed in a time pre-verbally...but yes it suddenly made sense...I saw where my fears were coming from...It felt very weak this insight and I kept loosing it, but it was there and for moments I felt I had "got" it....I for the first time was able to link yesterday to today and see how yesterday effects my today...it seemed so suddenly obvious...but I'm not there fully..it keeps kinda of switching between the 2....one minute I'm the observer, the next I'm in it again and not aware that its memorys...ssshhh I'll be the son (or daughter) of a 3 legged blind goat, T was right, old feelings do get triggered

I know that with practice and seeing it again and again you will have a better grasp of it. Being aware of this is a good step.

Mouse, yesterday I spoke to T and told him that I was having incredible difficult time distinguishng between then and now. At one point I even blamed HIM for abandoning me in my childhood home--and then said to myself, but he wasn't there then?

i have a bit of a hard time with my therapist, too. the first time he had significant time off (one month) it was because his wife was having a baby. he said we would keep in email touch but i ended up not hearing from him until the day before our sessions were supposed to resume. i'd sent him emails saying 'i'm sorry but i'm kinda freaking out here, can you give me something... anything... even a one liner...' but i guess he didn't check his emails. it hurt because i imagined him doing the 'perfect family' thing. the perfect family thing that i never had.

and it persists. every time he takes time off. every time he needs to cancel a session because of of his kids or his wife is sick. and sometimes i imagine me as a small child... and i feel kinda jealous of his kid...

but over time... i've gradually become okay with it. probably because he is so supportive and kind and understanding to me when we do meet. i know what you mean about sometimes you see it and sometimes you don't... i flip flop a lot... easier to see it when i am feeling basically okay. harder when i'm not. i like what the poster said about it getting better with practice. i hope it does. practice and more experience of being cared for. hang in there.

I know this was a great moment!! Good for you Mouse!!

This is awesome, Mouse....I'm going to hang on to this. I get jealous of T and his family sometimes, and I can see where focusing on the relationship I DO have with him would help.

Thanks for sharing that bit of wisdom!

sounds like you had a moment of clarity, I wish you many more!