[Bleah]

Its tends to be when I'm in the depths of a depression, trying to rationalize why I don't want to be here anymore and why that's okay, because I'm a bad person, and I get flooded with memories of things I've done that were bad. They are definitely things *I* have done - not where I was the victim and somehow feel its my fault.

I've explained to T why I can't tell her (she'll feel differently about me, I'll be so embarrassed that I won't be able to come back again, etc) and she gives the usual therapist explanation of why its good to share some of these things and find that someone else can hold it for me.

I'm not sure that it would be helpful and I'm not going to risk it. I know this is part of what therapy is about, taking risks, but. not. gonna. do. it. She seemed a little irritated, like I do this dance of there are these THINGS, and I'm going to tell you there are some THINGS, but I'm not going to be more specific than that.

Have some of you been able to heal while not sharing every darn thing?

[chaotic13]

Istruggle with some of my own actions in the past. I have not directly shared them with my T, other than to say things like... I was a bit wild or I knew right from wrong. I struggle A LOT with trying to figure out if I was forced to do something vs.choosing to do it. Usually in these discussions my T does not put for a full disclosure. She simply listens to what I am willing to say about it and then says something like. Remember you are judging what you recall from an adult's perpective. You did not have the knowledge then that you do now. Intellectually this helps, but the crappy feeling usually still remain.

As of this point, I have not been able to talk about specific situations that cause me to feel shame or guilt. I don't know if you have to actually discuss these things to heal from them or not. I've ventured near them, but still chicken out at this point.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by Bleah

Have some of you been able to heal while not sharing every darn thing?

not me. One time I took a biiiiig risk disclosing something very deep & from that day to next session every time I realized what I had done I would double up with severe muscle contractions. but I went back somehow, and that was 3 months ago, and now it's one subject among many that comes up now and then - not one I want to talk about, I will never want to - but not anything like what was before, so if that's healing then I guess it results in healing.

I should be sure to add that T was very sensitive to how very painful this issue ws for me, and didn't push me at all; whenever she found that she had to approach it, she did so very gently and considerately, and I really appreciated that.

[ClinicallyClueless]

You don't have to share every darn thing. Only the important stuff, the stuff that is on your mind when you are in her office. It takes time to build trust and to muster up the courage to say the tougher things, but from experience there comes a time when it feel good to share. At the same time, I feel bad, embarrased and ashamed. But, it is like a load has been lifted and I'm not carrying it alone or that I finally spoke the truth.

On the issue of suicidal thoughts, I wouldn't discuss them with him. Being a clinician, at the time, I knew that I wasn't actively suicidal. Oh, did he draw the line there and said that he needed to be the therapist and if I wasn't willing to talk about my suicidal thoughts then he couldn't see me. He was right and boy, was I angry. Sometimes, the anticipation of talking about something is much worse than the actual act of talking.

[kim_johnson]

i don't think therapy would ever be completed if sharing every darned thing was required ;-)

> They are definitely things *I* have done - not where I was the victim and somehow feel its my fault.

why... that is what it is to be human. humans aren't perfect. bet you can't find me someone who hasn't done that in their life. i think that our past experiences make things we have done UNDERSTANDABLE even if not RIGHT. understandability goes a long way. in particular: sometimes hurting people do lash out.

> I've explained to T why I can't tell her (she'll feel differently about me, I'll be so embarrassed that I won't be able to come back again, etc)

i feel that way, too.

maybe... think smaller. instead of the things that don't seem manageable sometimes it is about finding something that is manageable. uncomfortable, sure. but manageable. not excruciating. can be hard to find those... maybe think on it some. something will come to you.

the process... of sharing something that you feel you will be condemned for (even if you rationally know you won't be) can be healing. can make huge things feel more manageable. you don't have to share every single thing... just enough so that the things you didn't share... you could have shared. if that makes sense. reduction in shame fear of judgement and guilt. i think that is the idea.