[Kiya]

Originally Posted by Pinksoil

I said [to T], "Oh I was thinking about who would call me to say you were dead, and then I was thinking about how I would deal with this, how devastating it would be, and if I should get another therapist in order to help with this."

No joke, I was thinking this tonight also... it isn't the first time. I'd really like to know if others have thought this as well....

[deliquesce]

oh yeah, definitely.

i remember sitting once in my pdoc's waiting room for a session. i was his first client and he was running late. 2 hours later (i can't believe i waited a whole two hours?! ) and i was convinced he had died in a car crash on his way to work. i kept assessing anyone who walked into the waiting room - was this going to be the person who told me? did they look sufficiently bereaved? were they going to take over my case?

i dont think about his death so much these days, but i do worry about him getting a better job elsewhere and deciding to leave.

[imapatient]

Originally Posted by Kiya

No joke, I was thinking this tonight also... it isn't the first time. I'd really like to know if others have thought this as well....

Yes, but not about pink's T.

[deliquesce]

^ LOL!!

[KUREHA]

Yeah I think that as well
I phoning on tuesday to check she's ok for a different reason, and I was thinking what if something has happened.
I don't know what I'd do

I do worry about this- and once when I was worrying T had died, I e-mailed Teacher T and said something.. She told me that I needed to talk to T and ask him what would happen if something happened to him -how would I be contacted, etc. Really, it's a good idea, but I haven't asked yet.

I used to think if T didn't call that it meant he hated me, I was "too much", etc....now I worry that something that has happened to him. Is it weird that I consider that progress?!

[MissCharlotte]

Oddly enough I don't worry about T dying. I have created this fantasy of him having a father who lived to age 90 and so naturally he will too.

[Slippers]

Yup, I once asked a T whether he had assigned someone to contact his pts, and if he would give me referrals now just in case he got hit by a bus tomorrow. I think he was a bit freaked out by the topic. We laughed, in a black humor way, through the whole conversation. It was a wierd session....but I got my referrals and I felt safer.

Slippers

[gimmeice]

I have definitely thought about this many times, my guess is that another T would notify the patients but I am not sure since I have not asked.

[anna342]

As soon as I read this my first thought was, my T can't die

[Kiya]

I've noticed that this seems to be the point when I officially care about someone - when they are late or I've not heard from them, I start thinking they are dead, laying out on the hwy somewhere... then i start crying.... imagining how things are going to change... in the case of T, who will tell me, will they try to take over my case... will I let them.... and I had run through that whole senario last night because T is older and works long hours... and ... and she's not emailed me back a response or called during this 10 day break (not that's it's the first time - and we didn't set it up, but she'd hinted that she understood it was difficult for me)... and so I concocted the whole thing.
It is good to know it is not just me.

[Kiya]

Originally Posted by anna342

As soon as I read this my first thought was, my T can't die

I'd like to second this.... but my mom's did (after she'd seen her the 8 times allowed)... and I know other ppl's in PC have. Hopefully T won't.

[Kiya]

Odd that T found it to be so weird... I've had two t's now (including current) tell me "Things happen - I could be hit by a bus tomorrow". Why is it always a bus?!?!

Originally Posted by Slippers

Yup, I once asked a T whether he had assigned someone to contact his pts, and if he would give me referrals now just in case he got hit by a bus tomorrow. I think he was a bit freaked out by the topic. We laughed, in a black humor way, through the whole conversation. It was a wierd session....but I got my referrals and I felt safer.

I've not gone so far as to tell T I'm worried about this (any of the 5 I've seen). But they brought up the bus thing when I tell T i'm afraid I'll lose them (NOS, LOL). In my daydream last night, I was stuck with a horrible T who just didn't get me at all. And then, in the mail, two months after T's imaginary death, came a letter containing her wishes for me "just in case" and a list of who I ought to contact.
Morbid... i know....

[Bleah]

The leader of group therapy I'd been in for a couple of years but had since been out of for at least a year died suddenly. I felt bad because she was a young woman and had a young son whose other parent had already died. I wasn't attached to her, but I did think about all her clients. I had met several of them in the group. She specialized in eating disorders and had some clients who were really fragile and I imagined how deeply this would affect them.

Its funny, my current T I don't think much about something happening to her (maybe because she's young and seems very healthy), or about her moving on to something else because she seems settled here for the long-term. My last T was older and I mostly worried about her retiring before I was ready. That was yeeeears ago, and I know she's still working!

[KUREHA]

I know where I go there are a lot of psychologists I could see, but I don't think any of them could replace her, I think she's the best doctor I'll ever have

[sunrise]

When T doesn't return my call, I don't think he is dead, because I know he is bad about the phone thing.

But, I have wondered how things would play out if he should die. I have wondered if I, as a client, would be permitted to attend his funeral. I am not family, I am not a friend. Could I attend? Would I not be welcome? Would people look at me, like, "what is she doing here, she's only a client?" I know that T socializes with some of the people we work with professionally on the divorce. Would those people be at the funeral? So I might know a few people there, but would I feel excluded because I am not really a friend? Would I look at them and they would look at me uncomfortably? Maybe I would just lurk in the shadows in the background, attending, but not really speaking to anyone. I wonder if anyone would even inform me there was going to be a funeral--when and where. Probably not.

There is a poem I really like by a favorite poet, Theodore Roethke. The poem is called Elegy for Jane: My Student, Thrown by a Horse. A teacher's favorite student dies and he realizes how much he loved her. But he has no right to because he is not family, friend--it is not acceptable for a teacher to love a student. The last two lines of the poem are:

Over this damp grave I speak the words of my love,
I with no rights in this matter, neither father nor lover.

That's kind of how I feel about T dying. I would have no rights to grieve and love because I was just his client.

I know he would say that is not true, if I shared it with him, but the Roethke poem just seems to ring so true for me on this.

If T died, I do not expect I would seek out another therapist.

Ah, thank you Kiya. You are a brave woman. Imagine you admitted that you had that thought (and obviously I had it because I posted about it), and then everyone else was like, "Nope-- never thought about it." That would suck. LOL.

I really was playing out this whole scenario in my mind, very carefully. I said to T (and this is sort of funny, but not really, lol) "If you died, you are really the only person I'd want to talk about it with, but that wouldn't work cause you'd be dead... so I'd probably have to find another therapist because then I'd need a lot of ****ing help."

I used to do the whole death-scenario-thing in regards to my dad, long before he passed away. How would I find out, what would it be like for me to tell someone else for the first time, what would the funeral be like, etc. And then it actually happened-- completely out of the blue.

So obviously I have been dealing with the loss-of-T fear in a more intense fashion than ever. And like I told him, I keep getting him "confused" with my father-- I am constantly thinking-- this was true for my father, so it must be true for T.

I can't even believe I'm admitting this (but I'll end up telling T on Tuesday anyway), but the fear got so bad that I called his voicemail at the agency just to see if they put a message on there that said he died. OK, well not specifically that he died, but a message to let people know that he would no longer be at this number.

See, after my dad died, I called his office number like a day or two later, and they had already changed it to, "This is no longer ........'s number, please contact....., etc."

See how I get things all mixed up?

(((((((((((((((((((pink))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[deliquesce]

Originally Posted by sunrise

But, I have wondered how things would play out if he should die. I have wondered if I, as a client, would be permitted to attend his funeral.

oh golly, i have thought about this also. one part of me thinks - there is NO WAY that they would be able to stop me from attending. another part worries that i wouldn't even be told where/when the funeral is if i asked.

oh, i'm missing my pdoc now .

[Kiya]

Originally Posted by pinksoil

Ah, thank you Kiya. You are a brave woman. Imagine you admitted that you had that thought (and obviously I had it because I posted about it), and then everyone else was like, "Nope-- never thought about it." That would suck. LOL.

Hah.... well, mine eyes hath seen that yes it seems fairly common =) I thought i was just weird.

Pink, I had had a thing like that where my co worker died and I had seen her through the glass window just the Friday prior - then my mentor and i had the same strange encounter and i was FREAKED that she, too, would die. I had to call. Course, she thought I was nuts.... but there it is.

Everyone - thanks for all the responses. I love this whole PC thing where we can all check our behaviors and see where they rate on the common (notice I didn't use the word 'normal') scale. Hoping ppl aren't all freaked out and depressed now.... 'National and international depression rates went up and T's all over the world are reporting clients asking about Ts' Potential Deaths.... *details on pg 4.'

[dalila]

Odd that T found it to be so weird... I've had two t's now (including current) tell me "Things happen - I could be hit by a bus tomorrow". Why is it always a bus?!?!

That is weird cos my T and I have had the same conversation! She isn't leaving and she is taking good care of herself but she could be hit by a bus tomorrow.

She is around 10 years older than I and has said in the past that she would like to retire in 10 years; however she has her own agency now so I think she is gonna stay at it for a while yet.

Odd that T found it to be so weird... I've had two t's now (including current) tell me "Things happen - I could be hit by a bus tomorrow". Why is it always a bus?!?!

My previous T used to always say that. I kept saying "Well then stay away from buses would you?!"

I worried about this as well with my previous T. Who would let me know? I worried I'd show up to the session and the neighboring business people would tell me. Or that I'd just sit there, the hour would pass, and I'd never see her or hear from her.

My 2 current T's I'd assume the one at the university's secretary would tell me - and the other has a business partner that would probably have to do it.

I worry about my one T more then the other. If I do not hear from her via email for more then a certain amount of time I'm struck with panic. She travels a lot more then my previous T did, and can't get her mobile phone to sync up to send email. I keep hoping she'll used to text to just let us know she's ok.

[Kiya]

Stormy, that made me giggle. I tell T the same.

Originally Posted by stormyangels

My previous T used to always say that. I kept saying "Well then stay away from buses would you?!"

I worried about this as well with my previous T. Who would let me know? I worried I'd show up to the session and the neighboring business people would tell me. Or that I'd just sit there, the hour would pass, and I'd never see her or hear from her.

My last T did sessions in her house and lived alone and was having a bad bout with MS with numbing in legs and terrible migranes that distroted her features....so one day the door was locked and no lights were on, no one answered the phone... I sat there the whole hour (most of it in my car watching her door), and then went to the store down the hill. I kept thinking, "is she hurt? dead? do i need to break in there? call 9-11?" Finally at the store, i got an appologetic call from her - she'd totally forgot and had left the house. How to give Kiya a heart-attack-101.

[Kiya]

dalila- my T is about 64 I believe... I don't know when she is going to retire. It makes me nervous. but i can't get myself to ask her.