Ugh!

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((EM)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Don't be afraid. They are not going to judge you, criticize you, or condemn you. Don't give into the temptation to fall back into self harm patterns. Stay present, and realize that it is all a trick of the mind; nothing that they say to each other can harm you.

There is always hope, and hope is what gets me through my toughest days. I would rather life be meaningful and sometimes painful, than to have it be pain-free but EMPTY... in hope I find meaning. In meaning I find love. In love I find purpose... when I remember these principles, things become clear. I have had very dark times that I don't speak of. When the dark past threatens to take over, I remind myself of these things.

I don't know if I am making sense... but please stay here in the present.

-sam

I am in another class with her...and she is still supposedly acting in a coach/mentor role. I suspect she is actually frustrated with me and wants to talk to T to see how to work best with me. I think that what she said about "I told T I'd talk to him when the class was over" was truthful, but kind of a half-truth.

I e-mailed T last night and called him and left a message and told him I feel like I'm being lied to (because she said "we are meeting next week" and he said "I don't know when we're meeting) and that I just don't want them to meet yet.

I am SURE I am overreacting...but all of the young parts of me are screaming "danger"!

I really REALLY appreciate everyone's help with this. It's totally one of those things I need to work through but there is NO one IRL who would even begin to understand...

((((((((((((((((((((((((Sam)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

You are making sense. I love what you wrote.

And I will try to stay here in the present.

Your post made me think about my parents. During the last 7+ years of my dad's life, there relationship was extremely disconnected. However, whenever I did something that my mom didn't like, she would suddenly feel the need to make an alliance with my dad so she could try to have him on her side in regards to whatever she was unhappy with about me.

Given my extremely strong relationship with dad, and not-so-strong relationship with mom, this would make me mad, and even jealous (yes, even in my adulthood). It always seemed like team was really me+dad. Why was she trying to change it to mom+dad?

I only cite this example because I think it is an illustration of how we can get thrown off when a dynamic shifts, and we feel like outsiders-- particularly when we are extremely attached to one person in this dynamic.

I think what also happens is that we can't recognize helpful vs. non-helpful. You mentioned that you were threatened as a child. So telling was not helpful. For me, when my parents joined together for me-- this was not helpful because it was really my mom, running to my dad for reinforcements. But no help ever came out of it. Nowhere in this alliance, did anything beneficial happen for me.

I remember the first time I found out that T and pdoc talked about me. At first I wanted to kill them both, but then I realized how nice it actually was to have two people working as a unit, for my benefit. It was different this time. The alliance of two people was in my favor-- they were consulting because they actually cared about whether I got better or not. The intention was pure-- it was about my well-being, and nothing beyond that.

There was a time when I switched pdocs (long story), but I ended up going back to this other pdoc because I actually wanted someone who could work in alliance with T. I liked that they could converse about me (of course I would love to be a fly on the wall during one of the conversations). It made me feel well taken care of.

I have to say, though, had the "other party" been female-- I probably would have knocked her out by now. The transference would be too much-- it would be too close to the whole "mom and dad" thing. I guess that's why I keep myself safe and stick with all male practitioners.

You seem to have hit on something for me here too (since I am also always dealing with this). Both my practitioners are female - but I tend to have an alliance with *either* one or the other and want to kill both when they talk about me. Looking back at my parents, I also had an alliance with my dad - but he was the abuser - it was the "befriend the biggest bully in the playground thing, and pick on whoever he picks on (mom) so that I am safe". But the alliance did switch. for the first I guess 6 years of my life it was with my mom. She was trying to get me to love my dad (who hated children and was also doing some bad things to me) so that he wouldn't leave. When the abuse turned to include mom - physical fights, financial abuse, emotional abuse - I sided with dad and he became special to me.... until about 10 when I realized just what a monster he was and hated both my parents and my dad's mom (another abuser) who lived with us.
So, I guess it is a safety thing for me - I am so used to having everyone in my family turn on me, report me to others, confine, belittle, physically hurt me, and punish, that when T and MD or T and DO (pick a combination there...) talk I go into fight or flight mode. And I have noticed that I really dislike talking to one practitioner about another or what happened in there because I feel like I am either conspiring with the first, or sabotaging the other.... or hammering in the nails on my own stake.
Glad to have the insight... kiya

Hi earthmama! I have nothing new to add just that I want to send you more hugs. I can imagine how hard this is and how unsafe you feel.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((everyone))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Teacher T sent me an e-mail saying that she had forwarded an e-mail we had exchanged with each other to T, to clarify with HIM what she wanted to consult about....which is apparently just what progress she has seen with me in our meditation work together.

I know that T cares about me very much, and honestly, I do think that sometimes he gets lost with me in my stuff...I almost wonder if that's what happened in session yesterday. It happened one other time, and neither of us realized it, but once we did, he was able to be T again and I was the client, and sanity returned.

I DID e-mail T and I told him I didn't want them to meet this week. I need more time to process this. I actually am supposed to SEE Teacher T tomorrow at my class, and there is a chance I will be the only student tomorrow, so that has all sorts of potential to be...interesting.

Kiya and Pink's posts made me think some about the dynamics in my household...there was a lot of "if you tell, I will kill you" explicitly stated by my mom about my abuse....and there was also a LOT of secret keeping from my dad about my mom's drinking, behavior, money spending, etc. And at the same time, my mom used me as he confidant, etc....up until the time my dad got sick and died.

On my dad's deathbed, in a moment of delirium, he looked at me and said "you're in on it too". It chilled me. My dad got angry at me maybe twice in my life and I didn't know what (if anything) he was talking about...but. But, but, but.

Hum. None of this makes sense, does it?

But thanks for the hugs, and the words of advice. I guess I'm still in my swirly mess.

But it's ok! I've got a DYSON!!! With 6 attachments and some stain remover! Messes are good up to a point - when you're done playing in it, give me a call

That makes sense to me also... what you were saying about the secret keeping about drinking and behaviors and being the confidant - a position kids should NEVER be put in by parents. And of course, I also experienced the same thing.... so this is having me think more... I had to also hide mom's spending addiction, and yet side with dad on things. Then as I got older dad confided in me things that I had to hold secret from his mom and mine; his divorcing her, moving out, his surgeries .... then when the sky fell, I took the brunt of it and everyone blamed me (unfairly, I know that now). We all have all these secret lives of ourselves that are confided to some and hidden from others. I still do it. It's not the best way to live, but it is all I know right now. T is working to teach me another way but it is scary!
*holding BOTH your hands, EM*

((((earthmama))))

I want to apologize for my earlier post -- I am obviously triggered by this because it keeps looping around my mind. Last night it dawned on me I was considering asking T to have a phone conference with me, and my own trust issues of having T talk to someone else surfaced.

Thank you for sharing your process. I wish I had something insightful to say, but I guess I'm still trying to figure this all out for myself. Here's to being in the confusion and being ok with it!

(((((((((((((((((((((SpottedOwl))))))))))))))))))))))) No apology necessary. It was helpful to be validated in how bad I was feeling at the moment, and it didn't stop me from being able to keep processing and trying to move forward. I appreciated what you said, even if it came from a "triggered" place...

And as a result of your post, I DID e-mail T and tell him that I felt it was disrespectful that they were meeting without telling me first. It felt right to tell him that, and I'm glad I did it. It helped me think through what is okay with me and what is not okay with me when it comes to them "consulting".

Sorry you are in the confusion too....but at least we are together

ooh ouch, there's that inner critic again.
No no no!!! Bad critic - shoo!!!!

(((((((((((((((( em ))))))))))))))) I'm sorry for all the upset. i know pretty well where you are; I have a like issue going on although not with T. I hope they give you some straight answers... and hang onto your trust; they are there to help you. but man this is painful...

sorry if this is off topic a little but Kiya you wrote >> T and MD or T and DO <<

I am just now getting the hang of pdoc and Dx... who would MD and DO be?

sorry, a little clueless.....

Oh, no problem, MD = medical doctor, DO = Doctor of Osteopathy
Both are very similar and study the same amount of years, but the Osteopath I think is more "systems" based whereas the MD looks at specific parts as themselves... it confuses me also.

(((((((EM)))))))))),
I totally get what you are talking about. I sometimes feel this way about my T consulting another T ("the Consultant"). I sometimes feel like they are talking behind my back/laughing at my idiocy, etc. It makes me feel really vulnerable that someone else knows all of this detailed information about me. I told this to T and he assured me that they weren't laughing at me, etc. It did make me feel better to hear him say it.
Interestingly, my T used to talk to my Pdoc (before my Pdoc moved) and I loved it! I felt like they cared enough about me to work together on my case. My Pdoc was male and so is my T. The Consultant is female, and I tend to distrust females more than males (?). For me, the whole thing centers around the issue of trust. I thought I did trust my T only to learn that my push/pull behaviors/emotions were due to a lack of trust. I don't have an answer for you, but you're not alone, trust me I hope you can talk to your T and find a solution that you can handle now. Keep us updated!