Talking about abuse

For me it is very hard to find someone to talk with about abuse. I think many people, maybe most (all?) do not want to hear about it. This includes therapists. I can think of one person that I knew a long time ago that I might have been able to talk about it with, but I did not have the courage to do so then. Too late now.

By talk, I mean talking directly and without withholding, about being abused, and how frightened it made me, frightened beyond my ability to cope with it, so that I had to "go away" somewhere inside my own mind. Frightened to the point where I did not recover and have not recovered completely even now. Remembering the hatred that the abuser had towards me and towards my weakness.

And then there are the people (the abuser and others) who take pleasure in tormenting you when you show that you are afraid and weak.

These things must be talked about and thought about if you are to heal, it seems. I think there are a lot of barriers to actually talking about it. Maybe I am more apprehensive about this than is warranted by reality. Maybe I have to talk about it, or think about it, even if the person I am thinking of talking to is afraid, and tries to shut me up, or wants to avoid considering it. Maybe I have to realize, if someone does not want to hear me talk about it, that that is their problem, not necessarily something wrong with me.

i went thru stages...obviously for decades i barely acknowledged anything ever happened and when i did it was oh..just something so trivial...and then once i stopped drinking it was as if the floodgates opened. memories. oh god...horrific memories...and i think i told bits and pieces to everyone because i couldn't believe it was true (i mean how could it be?)

but the really bad stuff i saved for my dr and my t...and one of the alters told...and it was nasty. and honestly it didn't seem quite right...some of the responses didn't seem to fit what i was saying.

fast forward a decade. now i see a new t...and she is awesome. i feel like i can tell her everything and anything and it is okay. sure sometimes i think it upsets her (okay it upsets me...i'd be worried if it didn't upset her) but she listens and says its okay. and would hear more if i had to say so.

she hears all of this horror and says it was wrong, and that there are no words for what they did...and the other t never said any of that....honestly she just said..."tell me more" but it wasn't in a i'll help you heal kind of way, but rahter i need it to make me feel something kind of way. once she even said "that's the best you have?"

my pdoc has only heard tiny bits and pieces of what has happened to me and honestly i think he is quite happy about that. but what he has heard he has taken in with a dignified and solemn nature and responded to kindly and with respect. i would tell him more if he asked.

i think that most trained professionals are ready to hear these horror stories and deal with them. and i think that for us to heal we have to share them. for me each time i share them i feel stronger...it takes the power from the parents from hell (as i unlovingly call them) and gives it to me. see i can and did tell. and people believe me.

it is something i feel strongly about. i find that some people gloss over child sexual abuse by saying "oh thats terrible. how could anyone do that.." i don't buy that. i start right out by saying i was raped. by my father...as a child...a toddler. yes its hard to hear but you know...just giving the blanket..."oh that's terrible" statement doesn't save a child and doesn't cut it.

(oops sorry a rant there) telling is important for me anyway..be it to a therapist or dr. it makes it real and allows the healing and empowerment to begin.

Could you be picking up too many signals from them which inhibit you?

So your interpretation has been that something is wrong with you if they can't listen? Another interpretation is that something is wrong with the situation that you are speaking of which you do agree is a bad situation and of course it isn't you. The situation makes it hard to listen to?

One major problem I have is that my memories are so scanty. I have the feeling that they are in there, but can't get at them except in tantalizing, fleeting glimpses. So any hints to me of the listener not wanting to hear makes it that much harder to recover those memories.

Too many? You mean more than are actually there?

Isn't that the way it is with many of us? The other person cannot be wrong (particularly if they deny it), so it must be us...

We are surrounded by info everyday. We only pay attention to a small fraction of the info that is available to us. We can focus on other things or shift our attention to other data instead of that data. Taking in this data from others is only one sided anyway. We cannot really know what it means unless we discuss it with them. Everytime that I took in data from others and interpreted it I was always wrong when I was involved in the scenario. Since I had such a track record I quit taking it in. If someone wants me to know something about their inner workings they will tell me. It isn't my job to collect and interpret this data.

Yes, this is true until we change it.

!

It can be fascinating, though... You miss the good stuff...

Dear pachy / stumpy

it is so hard but you have to go through it. the only way out is through. it hurts. I'm sorry (for your pain, for mine too)

if T (or anyone!) ever said to me, after a wrenching disclosure like I know this kind of thing to be, 'that's the best you have?' I wouldn't be willing to answer for my reaction. I have a hot temper and that is one of the most horrible. unfeeling comments I have ever heard. How I wish I could undo that moment for you.

lol!......

(((((((( pachyderm ))))))))))

It doesn't sound to me that your T or whoever is actually listening to you or your need to actually explore the abuse. Sounds like you need to speak with someone that knows how hard and difficult it is for you and support you as you do that. I hope you can find a T that not only hears you but listens aswell.

(((((((((((((((((pachy))))))))))))))))))))))

My T specializes in trauma. He recently told me that when I tell him about the abuse or a trauma, he gets very very still inside and enters into it with me. I know he is willing to hear about the things that happened to me, and talking to him has been way more healing than I expected it to be. So, maybe a therapist who SPECIALIZES in trauma would be able to hear your story in a way that helps you open up instead of shut down??

There is one incident that happened to me when I was 6 or so - his daughter's age - and I do have a fear that he doesn't want to hear about it. It is a big sticking point in my therapy. When I totally disintegrated last fall, it was partly because I needed to talk, and I felt like he needed to not hear it. I finally did talk and he handled it and helped me and it helped a lot...but even now, when he's listing my traumas, "this happened to you, and this, and this, and this" he leaves that one out. So, I hear what you are saying about them not wanting to hear sometimes. It feels like crap. And I LOVE my T, and do think he is the right guy for me to heal with, but that is a hump we just can't seem to get over.

((((((((((((((((((((((pachy))))))))))))))))))))))) Many to you...

Pachy,

I think one of the biggest keys (perhaps THE biggest key) to healing is to be able to tell your story about the abuse, and express your true feelings about it, to a person who can genuinely hear your story, empathize with your feelings (especially the hurt and fear), and help you see it clearly and let go of any shame you feel about it. In order to do that, you need to have a t that is strong enough to provide that kind of empathy and support.

If you feel that your t does not want to "go there" with you, I think it's very important to talk to him about this. It could be that your own fear of "going there" may make you believe that he is afraid of it as well. So talk about it honestly and find out how he feels about discussing your traumas. Most t's are trained and experienced in hearing about clients' traumas and in helping them process it.

If your perceptions are correct, and your t truly is avoiding it because of some inability to actually enter into your trauma with you and provide that sense of understanding and safety that you didn't have as a child, you may need to consider getting a different t.

Yes, that may be. What happens is that what he does seems to distract me from thinking about it; and that is the trouble I have: thinking about it. My mind will not go there, even though I think it needs to. What he does does not seem to help.

its hard enough talking about abuse without feeling that you have not been heard - I agree with Sannah that sometimes we over.....overinterpret T;s reactions - they may be sitting there saying "blah blah bla" or "oh my god this is terrible" we can never know for sure - I thought my T was disgusted with me when I told him I had been abused by my brother - because he had his what I call his "therapy" face on - totally impossible to read - its so hard....

Pachy I hope you find a T that can let you talk through this or that you decide to talk this through with your current T

When I am talking, I frequently look away from the listener and then back again. For me to discuss a deep idea, etc., I need to enter my own space to a certain extent. I guess this decreases distractions. If I was focusing a lot on the listener I wouldn't be able to express my thoughts. I guess this is a bit of that taking in less info stuff that I was talking about.

I haven't found a therapist yet who is avoidant of the topic of abuse. Maybe Pdocs, but they aren't really therapists trained exclusively in talk-therapy.

I come from an abusive background and I have studied this subject a lot. I just addressed it a little bit with a researcher I admire in another thread, so I'll spare you the details.

I totally understand being afraid. For me it wasn't as much afraid of the abusers as much (although I was) as it was afraid of how others would perceive me and my Not-So-Perfect-Family.

Are you still seeing a therapist Pachy? If so, have you ever tried to breach the subject? I had to start slow and go low as they say. You have to make sure that you have completely extricated yourself from the abusive situation though before it becomes totally effective. FYI, most abusers will deny, deny, deny, or make excuses for themselves. This goes for physical, mental, and sexual abusers. Then there are those who are complicit in covering up the crimes. Stay away from those too.

I'm leaving out a lot here, I know and I'm sorry. I don't want to inundate you with a bunch of stuff. Let me say this though--- I DO understand you on this topic, I DO feel where you are coming from, as I have lived through it myself (even if not the EXACT same situation, abuse is abuse as all leads to the same destination). You really have to talk about this, preferably with a therapist who is empathetic and knowledgeable. Not just anyone is useful for discussing abuse with (and some are harmful).

I don't know Pachy, what are your thoughts?

pachy - i just ready your initial post. and i think i have to second all those thoughts and questions for myself. My t is someone with whom I *could* speak about it... if i had any words. But i don't have any words. when I am with t my mind goes completely blank and we end up staring at each other until she thinks of something to ask me. i know i need to be able to... but i don't know how. this is why i am pushing myself to go into group therapy that explicitly fits me; for women about women who were sexually abused as children. It starts up again in 2 weeks. *knees shaking*. last group I censored myself. There is no censoring in the group - yet I treated it like PC and I couldn't find a trigger icon to put up before speaking!! @_@ Anyway... thougt I'd share my 2 cents worth. Kiya

I think I come up with a lot of excuses and reasons for not talking directly about my abuse or the lingering effects of it. Often I blame my T for sending me non-verbal clues that she doesn't really care, doesn't want to hear my whining, or will judge me..... Other times I claim that its because I'm too fragile, might cry, realize how stupid I've been all these years....

Its all just BS, I'm just ashamed and my pride will not allow me to talk about it.

Good insight Chaotic........