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  #1  
Old Jan 30, 2009, 11:07 PM
Anonymous29412
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Ok, I can spiral about ANYTHING.

I KNOW this is silly. I sent an e-mail to T and now I want it back. It was totally non-therapy related. I told him at my last session about an item I was expecting in the mail, he thought it was the silliest thing ever and laughed a bunch, the item came today, and I e-mailed a picture of me with the item. Because I knew it would make him laugh.

Now I want the e-mail back! I sent him ANOTHER e-mail later and said I feel like I crossed some kind of unspoken therapeutic boundary (Rule #4566 - Client May Not E-Mail Photos Of Self With Silly Items).

I think it's partly because a lot of what happened between me and Teacher T happened as a result of e-mails. She told me to e-mail as much as I wanted - ENCOURAGED IT - initiated e-mail contact by e-mailing me first, even...and then when things fell apart, I feel like the e-mails had something to do with it....that it was in the e-mail that she felt she was crossing the boundary from "teacher" to "therapist". Which is HER issue, but I am really paranoid about e-mails now.

T left me a message telling me I could leave him voice mails and/or send e-mails this weekend, and he would pick them up when he came back from his trip. But this wasn't a crisis, or a big insight, or really even a need to connect (I know all of those are okay). It was completely non-therapy-related - just, "hey, look at me, isn't this funny". Like an e-mail I would send to a FRIEND.

I DO NOT want T to be my friend, at all. I really, really want him to be my therapist. I need him in that role, and I love him in that role. I don't have any desire for it to change, EVER. It's safe, and familiar, and predictable, and right.

So, I am in a spiral of my own making. The logical side of me knows that T will see the picture and roll his eyes and laugh - the paranoid part of me thinks that T will say "well, that's the LAST STRAW!" and tell me to go away, or at least to not e-mail. Even typing that, I can see how silly it seems...but I can't convince myself.

I hate spirals.

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  #2  
Old Jan 30, 2009, 11:52 PM
Anonymous32437
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not to worry..t knows about what is going on between you and teacher t...t knows you...t will get that sent him this as a way to make him laugh. end of story.

i spiral like this too. all the time. and not just about therapy. its like "geez i just made an idiot of myslef" but then again i don't care..but yet i sort of do.

so yeah, it's a spiral..honestly 95% of the time i don't care what people say or think about mer but that 5 %...well it can seem like the end of the world for me...geez it can take over my world...i can leave a message for t and think .."what was i thinking about doing that?" she must think i am the biggest fool in the world...and then i come to find out she probably doesn't...

so i don't know..here are my some what convoluted words of wisdom...i wouldn;t worry....i know it doesn't mean much but t will rpobably just laugh and take it with the meaning you meant.

sometimes i think we get burned and then are afraid to trrust our natural instincts..which are usuallly right...in your case i would go with the send your post to your t. in my case..i tend to trust my ample gut..if i have to think about my gut instinct then i am usually wrong.
  #3  
Old Jan 31, 2009, 12:21 AM
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phoenix7 phoenix7 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stumpy View Post

sometimes i think we get burned and then are afraid to trrust our natural instincts..which are usuallly right...in your case i would go with the send your post to your t. in my case..i tend to trust my ample gut..if i have to think about my gut instinct then i am usually wrong.
I think Stumpy hit the nail on the head here I think as you spoke of it in therapy and you are not making a habit of sending photos - T will not see this as a "crossed the line thing" but a "carry on from therapy - funny thing" take a breath Earthmama, go and do something nice for you and little Earthmama and try not to worry aobut this - from what you have said about your T it will all be ok and will give him a smile!
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brand new spiral!
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  #4  
Old Jan 31, 2009, 02:23 AM
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Simcha Simcha is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by earthmama View Post
Ok, I can spiral about ANYTHING.

I KNOW this is silly. I sent an e-mail to T and now I want it back. It was totally non-therapy related. I told him at my last session about an item I was expecting in the mail, he thought it was the silliest thing ever and laughed a bunch, the item came today, and I e-mailed a picture of me with the item. Because I knew it would make him laugh.

Now I want the e-mail back! I sent him ANOTHER e-mail later and said I feel like I crossed some kind of unspoken therapeutic boundary (Rule #4566 - Client May Not E-Mail Photos Of Self With Silly Items).

I think it's partly because a lot of what happened between me and Teacher T happened as a result of e-mails. She told me to e-mail as much as I wanted - ENCOURAGED IT - initiated e-mail contact by e-mailing me first, even...and then when things fell apart, I feel like the e-mails had something to do with it....that it was in the e-mail that she felt she was crossing the boundary from "teacher" to "therapist". Which is HER issue, but I am really paranoid about e-mails now.

T left me a message telling me I could leave him voice mails and/or send e-mails this weekend, and he would pick them up when he came back from his trip. But this wasn't a crisis, or a big insight, or really even a need to connect (I know all of those are okay). It was completely non-therapy-related - just, "hey, look at me, isn't this funny". Like an e-mail I would send to a FRIEND.

I DO NOT want T to be my friend, at all. I really, really want him to be my therapist. I need him in that role, and I love him in that role. I don't have any desire for it to change, EVER. It's safe, and familiar, and predictable, and right.

So, I am in a spiral of my own making. The logical side of me knows that T will see the picture and roll his eyes and laugh - the paranoid part of me thinks that T will say "well, that's the LAST STRAW!" and tell me to go away, or at least to not e-mail. Even typing that, I can see how silly it seems...but I can't convince myself.

I hate spirals.
(((((((((((((((((((((EARTHY-MAMA-SAN)))))))))))))))))))))

HEY--- I think that's hilarious (the picture of you with the box you sent to T)!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL

I might have done the same thing---REALLY!

You have a bit of hilarious flair to you that's very cool. I know that personally, my T would think it would be funny, and my T and I both are comfortable with our roles and we know them so well we don't question who we are. It's perfectly okay to do such things without it EVER being considered a boundary violation. I understand why you are a little bit paranoid about the perception, but I don't think it's bad at all really!

I don't have a fear of my T abandoning me like a lot of folks do (seems to be common from what I read here). I really don't think that it's going to be an issue at all. Your a worry-wart!!!!!!!
Okay, so I'm a worry-wart too, just about different subjects, lol.

Hugs always!
bigsam
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  #5  
Old Jan 31, 2009, 07:38 AM
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darkrunner darkrunner is offline
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(((((((((((((((earthmama)))))))))))))))

That's such a yukky feeling - to have sent an email and want nothing more than to take it back. I completely understand how you are feeling.

Try to stay in touch with your "logical side", the one that knows T will be fine with your email.

Remember all you've been through with T - remember how he has accepted you and stuck by your side through ALL OF IT.

This is no different.

You strong and wise, and I know you can get out of this spiral.
Sending you vibes of strength and determination.......
and hugs too....
kt
  #6  
Old Jan 31, 2009, 07:53 AM
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MissCharlotte MissCharlotte is offline
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((earthmama))

When we were little (or big) and abused our boundaries were crossed. OR the boundary between self and other was blurred. We became confused. That is why it is so important to us to have clear definitions of what is appropriate in the therapeutic relationship and what isn't. Lord knows I have tried to define this for myself at least three trillion times. Remember my poem about phone calls?

But inside we really know that it's not as simple as that and that relationships don't come in a box with rules that are printed on the inside cover. Why not? LOL

I bet it's fine that you sent the email and I wouldn't worry about it. You are defining for yourself what feels right and good in your relationship with T. So, next time you will send us the funny picture and treat us to a laugh. No spiraling today, okay? There's frosting left in the bowl and we have to clean up the mess we made last night.

((earthmama))

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  #7  
Old Jan 31, 2009, 08:10 AM
Anonymous29412
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((((((((((((((((((((((((everyone))))))))))))))))))))))) Thank you so much - I was honestly really worrying I would get a bunch of responses that said "yep, you crossed a boundary, you're in big trouble". So, I REALLY appreciate what you all said!

I realized when I went to bed last night that my spiral felt like the different parts of me arguing with each other - like all of my young parts were like "you messed up our safe place!!" so I tried talking to them from adult me, who sent the e-mail and PROMISED them that I would fix things with T if there was a problem, that I was sure it would be okay....and the spiral STOPPED. ?!?!?!?!?!??! I've never, ever tried to communicate within myself like that before, and I can't believe it worked.

Miss C - I think you are right - this is part of defining what feels "right" in my relationship with T. I don't think I'll send him any more pictures...but sometimes we have to stumble into those realizations (unfortunately)

Thanks, PC friends..
  #8  
Old Jan 31, 2009, 10:04 AM
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pachyderm pachyderm is offline
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Isn't it exciting? I mean, every day we can wake up to a new and different way to spiral. Or several...

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  #9  
Old Jan 31, 2009, 10:09 AM
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TayQuincy TayQuincy is offline
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Earthmama, I can relate to your situation with teacher T. I went through the same kind of thing myself. Remember, it's not your responsibility to maintain the proper boundaries. Emailing teacher T is not crossing boundaries anyway. She said it was okay. My guess is SHE is the one trying to maintain proper boundaries after realizing that she may have overstepped a little. That usually means that she cares a lot about you, is interested in you, and wants to help you! But, professionally she knows there is a fine line between her role and your therapist's role, and in recognizing it, she may be pulling in her own reigns a bit. This has nothing to do with you, you did nothing wrong. Unfortunately, it's hurts and is very confusing when a T suddenly changes the way they do things, especially when they encouraged it.
  #10  
Old Jan 31, 2009, 10:51 AM
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searchingmysoul searchingmysoul is offline
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I also think the pic of you with said silly thing would have really been fun for T. From a therapeutic standpoint you can look at it as having some fun and lightness in the midst of all the seriousness. A very good quality to have in my opinion.

Also, it is very cool how you took care of yourself in this situation! Proof that you can have control over the spiraling.

earthmama
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  #11  
Old Jan 31, 2009, 06:57 PM
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phoenix7 phoenix7 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by earthmama View Post

I realized when I went to bed last night that my spiral felt like the different parts of me arguing with each other - like all of my young parts were like "you messed up our safe place!!" so I tried talking to them from adult me, who sent the e-mail and PROMISED them that I would fix things with T if there was a problem, that I was sure it would be okay....and the spiral STOPPED. ?!?!?!?!?!??! I've never, ever tried to communicate within myself like that before, and I can't believe it worked.
that is really brilliant! what a good skill you have learned and now you can use it in the future - sounds like a breakthrough to me it seems that somtimes after pain there is progress - congrats
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Its not how many times you fall down that counts
its how many times you get back up!
brand new spiral!
(Thanks to fenrir for my Picture )

When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown,
Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly.
by Patrick Overton, author and poet
  #12  
Old Jan 31, 2009, 07:48 PM
Anonymous29412
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Originally Posted by phoenix7 View Post
what a good skill you have learned and now you can use it in the future - sounds like a breakthrough to me it seems that somtimes after pain there is progress - congrats
It did feel like a HUGE breakthrough. I don't know if I can do it again....but the fact that it worked last night was just.....ginormous!

  #13  
Old Jan 31, 2009, 09:02 PM
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(((((((((((((earthmama))))))))))))
isn't it odd how much we have to think through every little nuance? I hate it sometimes when I do it. How much is read into *this action*, or *that action*? All apart of the walk i guess. Just wanted to be here with you - laugh with you, be frustrated with you =)
kiya
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  #14  
Old Jan 31, 2009, 09:04 PM
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I also think the pic of you with said silly thing would have really been fun for T. From a therapeutic standpoint you can look at it as having some fun and lightness in the midst of all the seriousness.
And T's do like good (happy, fun) emails too sometimes =) helps them to see what they are accomplishing with you
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  #15  
Old Jan 31, 2009, 09:34 PM
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ECHOES ECHOES is offline
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Quote:
But this wasn't a crisis
But it became one so why not call and tell him how you feel about the email you sent.

I love laughing with my T. It feels very connecting to me. I can totally see myself sending an email like you did. You connected with him over this item and reconnected when you received it. So the email was an extension of that connecting, perhaps?

Earthmama, I think you're being too hard on yourself and I wonder if it's because you're worried what his reaction will be. You're punishing you before hearing what his reaction. From what you've said, I think he will laugh and get a kick out of your email !

Be easy on you
  #16  
Old Jan 31, 2009, 09:53 PM
Anonymous29412
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But it became one so why not call and tell him how you feel about the email you sent.
((((((((((((((((((echoes)))))))))))))))))))))

I did send another e-mail telling him all of my spiraly thoughts about the first one... Poor T!!!

  #17  
Old Jan 31, 2009, 10:12 PM
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EM
I found it very interesting that you worry about this stuff too. Last week I was doing something for work...which, all I can say is totally unbelievable given the personal issues I have and what I have been working on in therapy. So as I was working the irony of what I was doing struck me and I just had to share it. But my T was the only one who would get it. So I fired off a comical... Can you believe, ME of all people, is being assigned this particular task... message. Afterwards I worried about if I had crossed the line and miss used my email option. I wasn't in crisis, I wasn't needing comfort or reassurance, my brain wasn't about to explode. I just needed to share a very humorous circumstance with someone who would get the humor. She got the irony and followed with some more humor, but part of me still wonders if sending it was crossing the line.
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  #18  
Old Jan 31, 2009, 10:15 PM
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I dont think you crossed the line Earthmama and Chaotic13 - I think we have to Trust that our T's will tell us when and if we do - its hard but well.... what else can we do?
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Its not how many times you fall down that counts
its how many times you get back up!
brand new spiral!
(Thanks to fenrir for my Picture )

When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown,
Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly.
by Patrick Overton, author and poet
  #19  
Old Jan 31, 2009, 10:26 PM
queenie123 queenie123 is offline
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I agree with everyone else about your t being fine with it.
It's great that you are realising what you want the boundaries to be and where the
problem first initiated from, way to go you
  #20  
Old Feb 01, 2009, 06:53 AM
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I eh have begun to email T with things besides Crisis related problems, like I eh sent her pix of my kids and then yesterday I sent her a pix of my birth mother. I thought about it after I had sent it, still feel a bit like its a "naughtie" thing to do, feel shes going to say somethign like "eh, no more emails thank you", but she doesn't she replys and it feels like I've got that bit closer to her, I've let other aspects of who_I_AM communicate with her also...it must feel safer to do that, I know she isn't going to say, "I think your cured now"...its like snuggling up to someone so warm and cozy and not being rejected, its a great feeling. Plus it forces me to bring some of this other aspects of myself into the sessions, I can't pretend to be the client in crisis 24/7, I get to show who my funny side also...
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  #21  
Old Feb 01, 2009, 05:49 PM
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...its like snuggling up to someone so warm and cozy and not being rejected, its a great feeling. Plus it forces me to bring some of this other aspects of myself into the sessions, I can't pretend to be the client in crisis 24/7, I get to show who my funny side also...
I find this perspective interesting too. One thing I've been struggling with is...I know my T is trustworthy and she has demonstrated time and time again that she is going to be able to accept whatever I share and help me deal with it. I think...the inner me (maybe the authentic me) really wants to lower the filters and communicate directly with my T during the session. I have only been able to do this in brief random intervals and, like you said, it feels great. The communication I sent my T between session this time, was the inner me capturing an opportunity to connect.
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  #22  
Old Feb 01, 2009, 06:21 PM
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((((((((((((((((((((((MB))))))))))))))))))))))))

You did great. I think we share so many painful and difficult things with T, that he is going to get a kick out of you sharing something funny and completey benign.

I sometimes wish my T would allow emails but then I worry I would abuse it. Like Chaotic, I would want to share things that happen to me that only he would get. I'm so closed off with everyone else in my life.
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  #23  
Old Feb 01, 2009, 06:41 PM
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((((((Earthmama-San))))))))))))) - I love that name Simcha betrothed upon you, lol.

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I sometimes send my T things that I've written from here (not lately, though), and usually I regret doing so. It's usually something that I find humorous but I then worry that he will take it the wrong way. You've actually analyzed it more than I have been able to, I just can't figure this out myself at all. So, you've really helped me! I don't have an answer but it sounds like you are working through it. You're hilarious, though, so I have no doubt that your T will find it as such. Take care!
  #24  
Old Feb 01, 2009, 08:03 PM
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chaotic13 chaotic13 is offline
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Originally Posted by coconut64 View Post
I'm so closed off with everyone else in my life.
Coconut, this is why I think feel uncomfortable about sending these types of messages. I was wanting to connect and share a laugh with someone,which is for me probably really good that I recognized this "want" and actually acted on it. The downside is that instead of seeking a friend to sharing it with, I choose my T. I don't know if this is OK for where I am at the moment or if this is not appropriate.
  #25  
Old Feb 03, 2009, 01:17 PM
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Sannah Sannah is offline
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EM, I think the email sounds really cute. You seem to be a very sweet person who likes to connect with people and this email fits with your personality.

I know what you are talking about with boundaries helping you to feel safe. I remember when I was going through this phase.

I am glad that you found a technique that helped you to stop spiraling. Your inner child must have felt pretty safe and protected when you did that. This is so important.......
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