Can't talk to therapist

Hi there,

I find myself in a difficult situation with my therapist. Basically I find it very difficult to talk to her but in normal I find it very difficult to talk to anybody. I am very shy, have very low self esteem and no confidence at all. I can't even look at my therapist most of the time, I sit staring at the floor or hide behind my hands, most particularly with the horrible things that I think and feel. She wants me to open up, to look at her and talk to her but that is incredibly difficult and I keep telling her so. But if I don't or can't then the therapy will have to end and I don't know if I can bear that. I pretty much have an ultimatum of which the 2 possible results are very scary with no middle ground. I don't always talk to her much but I want her there as support and a kind of back up. I need it to feel safe. I don't know if I am capable of doing what she wants me to do. It's like being asked to jump out of an aeroplane without a parachute. I feel pressured more and more each time I go and I am getting very angry and frustrated and I don't know what to do.

((((((toller))))))

i'm sorry you're having such a rough time talking to your t. do you find it any easier to journal your thoughts? i was thinking maybe you could write something and give it to her in session if that's easier than talking for you.

((toller))

Just take baby steps and don't think you must do anything you aren't ready. If showing up is all you can manage then that's just ok for now. Sometimes I tell things to T by telling him dreams that I have had and sometimes I tell T things by writing poetry. It's not easy to develop intimacy when you are not accustomed to it and already grown.

Take your time. It will get easier.

Don't worry. I don't think therapy works anyways. I have been in it for almost ten years and have had no luck... I am a pessimist though..

oh, ((((((((((((((((((toller))))))))))))))))))))))), therapy can be so hard....

I don't think I looked at T for MONTHS when I started therapy. Sometimes when he was talking I would peek at him, but I mainly studied the carpet or stared at the walls or hid behind my hands. As I got more comfortable and started to trust him, I started to look at him a little more. Now I honestly will gaze into his eyes sometimes without speaking - just to kind of see that he is "there" - it feels really connecting. I never, EVER thought I would feel that safe. EVER! It just took time, and patience.

Did your T tell you therapy would end if you didn't look at her/talk, or is that something that you are afraid of?? I was very afraid of T terminating me or referring me for a long time...but we are still together, 15 months later. Those fears can seem very big and very real.

For me, when I can't talk, the best thing for me to do is to talk about not being able to talk (or look at him, or whatever). It's honest, it's where I'm at, and somehow, slowly, it opens the door to talk about other things.

((((((((((((((toller))))))))))))))))))) I'm sorry you're having such a hard time...

Are you giving yourself this ultimatum or did your T say/imply it? All last year I placed very high demands on myself. I was very hard on myself for not being able to talk and got very frustrated. The more I pushed to great my anxiety and the worse I felt about myself. Maybe I needed to push hard to get myself to move, but then again maybe not.

Lately I've backed off, allowed myself the option to share or not share certain things. I've also allowed myself to communicate via different methods writing and drawing instead of always trying to force myself to TALK. The short term results have been less anxiety and a little bit more talking.

Maybe commit yourself to taking one small leap per session then if you occasionally fail just accept it and try again the following session.

Hello Toller, welcome to PC.

I have been seeing my T for a year and half, and I still have trouble talking to him, sharing my pain, opening up, letting the walls down. T pushes me sometimes but that always makes everything worst because when I was growing up my parents were all about punishment and discipline. My T has told me that he has to remind himself to be patient with me and let me go at my own pace even if that means we go slower. He is always reminding me that I'm on the driver seat and he is like a backseat driver. Your T wants you to open up so she can help you but she needs to respect your pace. I know it's hard, and that it seems like there is a huge power inbalance but you need to be able to communicate to her if you feel pressured. One thing I learned coming here is that sometimes it helps to talk about why you can't talk. I know it sounds silly, but it really does help.

Maybe you could write some things down, I do that sometimes and it's much easier.

I've been seeing my psychologist since the end of September and I don't look at her much, usually the wall, floor or out the window. I'm getting better though

If you like her, it will get easier

Take Care

Welcome Toller,

as you can see from the posts here - you are not alone - I hardly ever made eye contact with my T I used to think she would think I was rude - but its so common I think T's understand -

If i"m talking about somthing hard - I often loose my words and have to stop talking - at these times T will often talk to me - that helps - writng things down helps too -I write things down and give them to my Twhen I go in and then we discuss them - that has really helped me as there are things I am still too afraid to discuss.

I hope the ultimated is from you - if so be kinder to yourself - if its from your T ... the you need to write down or talk to your T about why you cant talk - I know that sounds silly but sometimes thats what you have to do - hang in there things can get better - take it at your own pace P7

V214K, I am sorry that Therapy is not working for you - have you discussed with your T that you dont feel you are making progress? thats always a good thing to do if you feel its not working - I hope things improve for you P7

Hi Guys and Girls,

Thanks for your replies. I should explain that this is my second attempt at seeing my therapist. The first time broke down because of the same thing. There was a break of about 2 years before me going back. I went back to her out of desparation as I was feeling particularly bad and everything was getting me down. Each time I go to see her, she brings it up that I am not doing enough in therapy and I don't like it. It makes it worse. I'm feeling more and more like there is no point in going at all. I have tried before writing things down but she wouldn't read it and asked me to read it out which I couldn't do. Her analysis of the situation is like going to the gym to work out and get fit but I am going along and doing very little and not changing. She says she is more than willing to help me but that I am not putting the work in. I'm really at a loss at what to do and getting more angry and frustrated. The ultimatum is more from my therapist because she will at some point make it again as had happened the last time.

I guess 2 things come to mind,

I would be asking what she thinks "we" could do to make it easier for you to talk about things and see if anything comes out of that

the second thing would be maybe she is not the right therapist for you? - I know they need to push us... mine does...but she backs off if I say its too hard and we talk about somthing else and then try again another time

im sorry this is so hard for you - when I first went I think my poor T had to basically pry the words out of me - my first T used to say ok guesssing time! LOL he was/is a very good guesser! my T I have now is good at picking things out of my conversation and finding the problem - but I also take things for her to read and she doesnt ask me to read them aloud - dont think I could.
I dont think ultimatems work - they just make you more nervous and then you have even more probs communicating - looking for another T may be the thing to do - hope you find somthing that works P7

I see a therapist at school and for me it is hard to talk to her about things because I start to feel guilt. I started to journal my thoughts, my urges, anything and I told her that I refuse to read it out loud because it reminds me of what happened so I asked her to read it to herself quietly and then talk to me about it. I feel that if your therapist is making you feel even worse you should try seeing another person so your self-esteem isn't affected!
Keep me posted

-Rebecca

I think I agree with Phoenix. Maybe you and this particular T are not a "fit".
there is no shame or blame in that.
Different therapists have different styles.
You need to go at your pace, not your Ts!
I think it would be a great idea for you to explore another person.
Good luck and let us know how it goes, ok?

I was going to suggest the same thing....perhaps looking for another T?? Many people don't find the right T for them on their first try. It's probably scary to think about starting over, but perhaps someone with a different approach is just what you need...

Hi Toller,
I agree with some of the things that have been said here, I hope I am not repeating them. A great deal of the time I not only don't look at my therapist but move the chair back so I can create some distance. His room is not that big but at least some. I am always wearing baggy clothes to hide in. Yes, I have some trust issues but he has never criticized me for that nor made any ultimatems. Yes, in order for this to work I did need to open up but that took time and patience on both ends.

I'm sorry that you are having so much trouble and your therapist wants you to do it her way or no way. Having been there with a prior therapist I know that it is not only frightening but also hurtful to you b/c you feel like you can't live up to those standards.

"Thanks for your replies. I should explain that this is my second attempt at seeing my therapist. The first time broke down because of the same thing. There was a break of about 2 years before me going back. I went back to her out of desparation as I was feeling particularly bad and everything was getting me down."

I kinda did the same things and went back to the old person out of desperation. He was critical of me and wanted things to be done his way and if not gave me ulitmatiums. I had convinced myself that his demands were normal given that I was not creating the results he expected. Ending with him was tough and I felt like I had failed but that is the way I often feel in life when things go wrong. I did find someone else who is very different and lets me go out my own pace. He will read things before I come in and is not critical of my pace.

Each time I go to see her, she brings it up that I am not doing enough in therapy and I don't like it. It makes it worse. I'm feeling more and more like there is no point in going at all. I have tried before writing things down but she wouldn't read it and asked me to read it out which I couldn't do. Her analysis of the situation is like going to the gym to work out and get fit but I am going along and doing very little and not changing. She says she is more than willing to help me but that I am not putting the work in. I'm really at a loss at what to do and getting more angry and frustrated. The ultimatum is more from my therapist because she will at some point make it again as had happened the last time.

Please talk to her about these things and find out if there is some resolution. Therapists are human and sometimes their egos get in the way. But there is no shame/blame if you do decide to go elsewhere at least these things will be out in the open. Therapy for me is more of an exploration of who I am and from that things can start to change if I want them to. Sounds like you already beat yourself up and don't need another person to. If you don't feel safe and feel like you can't explore with this person then maybe she is not the best person. It's not your fault, you are doing the best you can. This is your journey and even if you don't have a lot of self esteem you might want to think of the advice you would give another person you cared about.

Please keep us informed but most importantly talk to your therapist and don't blame yourself. She might be wonderful but she has her limitations and that is not about you but about her.

Sounds to me like she is being kind of ridged in her approach. I don't think my T particularly likes the fact that I write and send stuff via email, instead of raising it during the session. But she accepts that at the moment that is where I am and that getting it out via email is helping me. After all that is what T is all about.