[Mouse_]

Couldn't get to T on monday because 4inches of snow hit London and the city had to close down ...

T said I could email her if I wished, but I email anyways, so all morning at work my anger and rage at not being able to get to T was brewing. I think it was because I wasn't prepared to not get there, unlike on a break there is time to prepare...I decided I wouldnt act all needy and wouldnt email T and would hold it all in until this coming friday when I have my next session...UNTIL I saw the weather forecast that predicted more snow that triggered my anger again so I emailed T and said how I wanted to hurt me so it would hurt her but then I said, but It wouldnt hurt you and blah, blah, blah, and T replied ....

Dear *****
I’m not surprised you’re feeling angry that you had to miss your session. You feel as if I have caused it , or that I’m enjoying it, particularly perhaps that it has an impact on you. You feel that if you hurt yourself, you are hurting me: you have internalised me, but not in a consistent way – it easily turns bad.
I know it’s not the same to email, but that’s always a possibility.
I can understand that it felt possible to contain your feelings until you had to face the prospect of missing another session, but I’m not sure that will happen. The weather forecasts seem to suggest that although it is likely to snow again at the end of the week, it’s not necessarily as heavy, or even perhaps in this area, so travel may not be a problem. But perhaps if it’s not possible for you to get here, we could have a phone session at your normal time. Again, it’s not the same, but perhaps better than nothing.
I do realise that this is harder than you want it to be, and than you want to admit.
Love, ***

The part about not having internalised her really hit home, I sort of get how the process is supposed to work a lot better now...also it helped me understand my fears a lot more, I wrote down all the imaginary fears I have, as if they were really happening in the external world and it was then that I saw that its internal fears that I have thrown away, this having to take back and own my own internal fears is the key to my freedom....

ps
Its not supposed to snow anymore now so it looks like I will be able to make friday

[madisgram]

what gainful insight from the snow storm....

[phoenix7]

I hope the snow holds out for you - have the phone sessions if you cant get there - its better than nothing and can still help - I havnt seen snow since I left london - I remember it was beautiful to look at when it first fell - but then dangerous when it melted and then froze over - take care going to your appointment P7

p.s, I agree about fear - I think we have to face our fears sooner of later or they can posess us - its tough but we have to work through it.

pss I forgot to say I think your t's letter is great

[MissCharlotte]

(Mouse)
I missed a pdoc appt last week due to snow here in NY. It's been a brutal winter. Thank you for your post. I was thinking today about how I used to have such a difficult time holding onto T and gaining constancy. But the truth is, although I have also internalized him, I still lose him from time to time. Yesterday morning was one of those times and I called and told him I just needed to hear his voice. At first I felt silly but then I allowed myself to know it was a moment when I had lost him internally and needed to replenish.

Take care and wear your galoshes on Friday.

(((((((((((((((((((((Mouse))))))))))))))))))))))) You and your T are such a great team.

Here's to NO SNOW on Friday!!!

[chaotic13]

Mouse your willingness to tell your T how your feeling still amazes me. Sounds like you both have a backup plan in the even it snows. (Hugs)

[searchingmysoul]

Mouse-

You ability to find wisdom in these situations is a testiment to your continued healing. Your T is quite great also, you seem to have a very good fit with her.