Too Much Knowledge?

Thank you Simcha! You make a lot of good sense to me. My T has also told me similar things. She tells me that she wishes she could be more like me in the way that I want to bond with people so much, that I don't censor myself, and I'm so excited to experience things. She says I am lucky to be so passionate. I agree, except for the bad things that come along with it.

As a few days have gone by, I'm starting to research other disorders. Maybe I am not BPD. But I can't figure out where I....fit.

Hi Greenidentity,

I just wanted to jump in with a couple of thoughts.

First off, I completely agree with those who have said that there is a big difference between intellectually knowing something and emotionally knowing it and letting it affect our core self. I consider myself fairly intelligent and could probably explain many psychodynamic therapy concepts as well as or better than my t. I'm a writer and editor, and so words come naturally to me. I "know" what most of my issues are, why they are issues for me, and what steps I need to take to change. However, I have a wounded, inner core self that shows itself at times when I get emotionally triggered. This emotional side of myself is not at all certain about things -- it is often confused, needy, wishy-washy, and highly untrusting of my own perceptions. In addition, even though I come across as a capable, in control adult, this hidden side of me feels unworthy and helpless. It is "that" part of me that I need to understand and heal in therapy. That part of me holds the low self-worth, fear, and negative messages I learned as a child from my dysfunctional upbringing and the abuse I suffered. When I came into therapy, I had developed my strong, in control, outwardly intellectual self so strongly that this wounded side of myself was not that apparent to me. It began to show as we did deeper therapy work. Now, I realize that I use my intellectual abilities and tendency to analyze primarily because it is easier and more comfortable for me than to face and delve into the painful emotions and experiences that I've shoved down for decades. I have to purposely try to set aside my intellectualizing enough to actually feel my emotions and my reactions. So, even though being intelligent can be a great asset, I realize how over-relying on it could be a defense against the very deep emotional experiences that I need to have in order to heal.

Could any of this be true of you?

p.s. I disagree with your therapist, who says you aren't (what was the word. . .aggressive/angry?) enough to be borderline. I have BPD and am absolutely not at all aggressive or antagonistic. I hate conflicts with people. Perhaps your therapist doesn't realize that there are both "acting out" borderlines and "acting in" borderlines. Acting in borderlines are often quiet, agreeable, and seek peace, but their anger is expressed inwardly as depression and/or self-hatred, rather than expressed outwardly upon others. It has always bothered me when professionals lump us all into one category as though we all behave the same. It's simply not true.

Ahhhh, this is why you express yourself so well here!

Yes, yes. Yes.