i can't believe it

I am still here, I think. I have my meeting without John tonight I've talked to a lot of people from my meeting on the phone and told them I don't want to go, but they say to go. I'm going to go. There will be this huge hole where he used to be.

I had T today but that goes more on the other thread, although we talked about this some too. T told me it is okay to be sad.

Ouch! Its so harsh huh?
... he enjoyed those moments having a cig with you and talking with you, and I bet he felt good knowing that you also enjoyed them.

.........(((((((EM))))))

I have much appreciation for the friends of Bill W. as a nation.

rx.

I'm off to my meeting.

((EM)))) sending hope

Sorry to here about your friend. Seding huggs your way.

I'm home. I spent my WHOLE LIFE not crying, for real - and then I started crying alone, and then with T...but that's it. Tonight I started sobbing on the way to the meeting, and I basically cried for an hour and 15 minutes in a room with like 10 other people in it. Like, tears falling into my sweater, snot everywhere type of crying. John had a very big personality, and there were constant reminders that he wasn't there. I was the only person crying - people were sad and talked about John and we laughed some about the things he used to say - but everyone else was kind of fine. They are older than me - maybe more used to losing people. Or maybe it just hit them at a different time.

It was okay. It was weird - I've never done anything like that. I didn't even cry at my DAD'S memorial service (but that was pre-AA and pre-therapy...definitely in no-feelings-land back then). People hugged me before and after the meeting, of course, which just make me cry more. George, who is in his 80s and has been sober FOREVER told me it was good that I was getting it all out and not holding it inside. I told him my T would be proud of me.

At AA meetings, usually everyone talks. I passed tonight. I felt bad, because I have lots of happy memories I could share about John, and I WANT to, to honor him and say how much he meant to me, but I just couldn't talk. We had a special connection...I don't know if I COULD share it, really. Maybe next week.

I have T on Mondays and then I have AA on Monday nights and I used to always give John a little rundown of how I was feeling after T...if I was angry, he was always like "awesome!! he's pushing the right buttons!" lol John had PTSD too.

I really missed him tonight. whew.

((EM))) you are getting it out... just being here with you if thats ok and i know its been a little 'spinny' these past few days for you... you can anchor in your friends, your peace, your place of goodness that you are still making for yourself in your life and as you move about on these forums... i am glad you are with us