I went to T today even though I am REALLY tired from having the flu since Thursday. I'm over it, but just in the "still weak" stage. I told T about a book I read this weekend and how I related to a lot of stuff in it, and he pointed out how much I've grown in discussing a certain trauma topic, and then we just sat there, quietly looking at each other for a long time. He told me that if his energy seemed "off" it was because he had a LONG night of insomnia. He was worried that I would "read" the change in him and think it had something to do with me (which of course I would have, so I'm glad he told me)

ANYHOW, it totally triggered this "oh my gosh I have to take care of a grown up" feeling (because that's how I grew up, responsible for my mom). I felt little and scared. But I didn't want HIM to have to take care of ME because I felt like I needed to take care of HIM. Total transference, total switchy mess.

Young me was pushing me to take my turtle out of my box to play with it, but I KNEW I would be lost in my "little" self and I didn't want T to have to take care of me. I knew why I didn't want to take it out, and he kept asking, but I just couldn't tell him. (I think I left a message after session and told him). Little me and that turtle are so interconnected.

So I asked if we could do something different. He asked what I wanted to do? I said draw, or play, or SOMETHING. So, we played dots. I taught him how to play and he BEAT ME! lol We sat on the couch with our heads almost touching, leaning over the paper and passing the pen back and forth. When we were done, I drew him a turtle on the piece of paper, so he saved it

SO not a "normal" therapy session, but all I could manage today, and certainly a lot of material for future sessions (oh joy! lol)

[MissCharlotte]

Nice session. It sounds like you and T were very connected and I like that he gave you the "heads up" on how he was feeling. I understand that caretaking role all too well. So, how do you play dots?

[emilyjeanne]

Hello EM,

I happy that you have such a great T. Having a safe place to talk makes all the difference!!!!

[darkrunner]

((((((((((((((((((((earthmama)))))))))))))))))))))))))

Thanks for sharing. I love reading your descriptions of your sessions. You and T have such a wonderful, unique, honest relationship, and I know that is a result of a lot of hard work and determination on your part (and his part too, I'm sure.) You always have such special insights.

I'm glad you were able to find a way to connect at the end, even if little you didn't get to hold the turtle.

[searchingmysoul]

(((((((earthmama))))))))

Actually, it seems even though things got a little wonky, you were able to clearly identify what was stirred in you and why and then ask for what you needed and in the long run and get something genuine and connected out of it. Not too shabby.

(can I make a run-on sentence or what?!?)

Apparently, I left a message for T after session and told him why I couldn't take turtle out of the box, and how I was triggered with the whole "taking care" issue.

He left me a message back and said he was proud of me for being so honest, and that today gave us a look at what it means to take care of someone and how that looks in the therapy room. He said I was caught in a spiral of actually WANTING to take care of him (I did), knowing it wasn't my responsibility, having childhood triggers....and that playing a game was a great solution. He leaves me messages after all of our appointments, but something about that one made me feel really good. Like, I was triggered, I figured out a way to deal with it, we did something fun and connected with each other, I was able to be honest about what happened, and he not only accepted it, but was proud of me

He said that I also said in my message "now you can take care of ME by leaving me my message" and he loved that.

I felt like I got an "A" in therapy for the day, even though it was such a "different" kind of session

[Sannah]

EM this is really good that you figured out the whole trigger immediately! Now this is being aware of what is going on with you and your feelings!

[Kiya]

(((((((((((((((((Earthmama)))))))))))))))
I love that "I got an A n therapy" feeling - made me warm all over reading about it =) Hope you are doing well and glad you have such a good, safe connection with t!

[chaotic13]

EM,
When I read your post I thought...that was different, but you sensed where you were and found a way to make the session work for you. I think that not only did your T accept where you were during the session...You accepted where you were. Hope you can have another session like this in the future when you need one.