Hodge Podge of Things

I have been in lurkdom lately. Really inside my head, but staying abreast of everything going on here at PC.

I saw a lot of posts about people being unsure of therapy, tired of therapy etc. The exact same way I have been feeling since my last mini "rupture" in therapy a couple weeks ago. I didn't reply or even read them completely b/c my feelings about therapy are all askew right now (as many of yours are) and I didn't want to add the feeling and thoughts of others' experiences right now---it would've only made me more confused and anxious. But I will say that to a certain degree I am in the same boat as a some of you and I just started therapy *sigh*.

Also, I got a little paranoid. My T was asking if I connect with people on the computer via Facebook etc. I told her no. Then I started thinking I wonder if she's found me on PC. I wonder if she is checking to see if I post here on a daily basis and what I'm posting about since I can't seem to open up to her in our appointments. I wonder if she has found me on PC and she's read some of my posts and even perhaps printed them up to add to my file LOL!!! I was thinking of ways to maybe erase all my posts???, but then figured she'd probably already seen them.... Thus the ride on the carousel moving at 100 miles and hour begins, but finally ended

Speaking of T....I am DREADING going to see her on Wed...dreading, after my last appointment and the "mini rupture" i had. If you want to call it that. I didn't fly off the handle during the appointment, but I kind of shut down at the end when T was trying to push me and just started becoming extremely compliant with everything she said giving her very short responses, even when she asked for my input on something. I guess I should see this as a learning experience and I am sure T will too, once I explain what happened.

Hi there....

I'm glad you posted this, because it helped reaffirm some of the things I am feeling - especially the fear that the T would be lurking on this board. I really wonder if they do...or if they don't out of respect for our privacy and to maintain boundaries? I would think it would be damaging to the therapeutic relationship for the T to be spying on their clients activities, don't you think?

I'm sorry you are dreading your appointment....from what I've read (because I haven't actually gone yet - my appt is tomorrow), it can be a very valuable experience to face these exact situations with your T and work through them.

Please post an update when you can!

T's are probably too busy to lurk here.

I understand your feelings about therapy. It's a big challenge, to be sure, and can be scary. I doubt your t would read this board. There are many boards on the Internet that discuss therapy. Even if your t googled "therapy" or "therapy discussions" or whatever, there would probably be so many sites popping up, she wouldn't know which one you posted on. As long as you didn't mention "Psych Central," I doubt she'd find you here.

Try not to let the many posts about problems in therapy scare you off from continuing your own therapy. Each person's therapy is different. From what I've read here, the consensus of people on the board isn't that therapy is terrible, damaging, and not worth it. But that therapy is an intense work that brings up difficult issues that need to be worked through. Aside from the general public's view that therapy is just a place to unload our problems and get a bunch of "oh, poor baby"s, it takes some blood, sweat, and tears. But there are also the very important insights and the soothing feeling of being cared about and understood.

We tend to come here to this board to discuss difficulties we're having in therapy, so perhaps that tends to give the impression that therapy is mostly bad. But that's not the case. We're just using the board to "work through" and discuss the issues that our own particular therapy is bringing up for us. As you read the posts, you will also see that, along with the difficult therapy experiences, there are also joyful and rewarding things happening in therapy.

((((Mixed Up))))

Thanks..I definitely think that if my T read anything I have posted would muck up the therapeutic process for me anyways, esp given the fact that what I post here I have yet to bring up with her.

(((pachy)))) LOL. I love your posts so simple and true and reassuring LOL...but that thought is still in the back of my head...just not as bothersome.

(((peaches)))
The problems others have been having with therapy aren't necessarily scaring me from it. It's not that Im taking their experiences as a consenus that therapy is bad or negative at all. I scared myself from it after my last appointment (after T scared me). It was just so coincidental that a lot of what everyone has been posting recently I can completely relate to at this moment. I just wanted to sort out my own issues regarding it before I could even think about reading and replying to everyone elses, ya know? It's good to know that currently I am not the only in this boat right now. I have some hope that I (along with everyone else) will be able to discuss these issues with my T and move on from it b/c mulling over it in my head is exhausting!

I was beginning to think I can't or Im not doing this whole therapy thing right, like hangingon said in her thread and I only started in October. The whole point is to go in there and open up and spill your guts and begin to heal, but when I have been holding my "guts" in for 2 decades I am finding it tremendously difficult to just spill the beans. So I wondered if it's even possible for me to fully open up in T or if I am just wasting her precious time and my precious $$$$$..... I guess I should give myself more time.

You are so not alone here!!! I too am so worried about not doing this right....or giving the T the wrong impression...or not being able to get my point across....

The rational side of me says that there is NO right or wrong way....and that time plays a key factor.

what I hear from my T, and what I read, is that it;s important for people, who are social beings, to have some support when they're going through something difficult. Whether it's a spouse, or an understanding friend, or even a few, we all need someone to interface with; seeing a T for one hour every couple three weeks ain't gonna git it, as they say around here.

So what's wrong with having a supportive bunch like the PC folk to talk to? I don't see a problem there, nor would it make me clam up in session, quite the opposite. After all, I am the one who wrote in saying i felt like a lab rat, and you kind folks helped me to be more reasonable. I love you guys!!

I agree with all the responses here. First your T would have to search through several boards to find this one and then try to figure out which user is you. Not a probable situation. I think Ts would burn themselves out if they came here reading all these posts. They are kind and caring people and would need to try and help.

Many people here have anxiety and get a little nervous regarding their therapy and sessions once and a while. They come here for support, just that little push they are looking for. The more difficult it gets the more it is working. But if you continue reading every single one of them could not live with out their sessions and miss it when their T cancels.

Like most things in life ... it is hard but it is healthy when people reach out to others for help and support.

Xtree

Sitting- there absolutely nothing wrong with coming here to PC for support. You all are the GREATEST. But, if my T came here and read my posts...that's a little more disconcerting. I haven't told her I visit this site. I know I was worrying for nothing, but couldn't stop thinking about it....anxiety will get you every time.


Im kind of feeling ganged up on now. Like people are completely misinterpretting what I wrote, but maybe that is just me...

no no, not at all! Please don't feel that way. I was just feeling defensive; i do that a lot anyway.
the one thing I didn't put in my post was address the idea that T might be reading here at PC - the last time I saw her she usedd the word "pleasing", which she's never used before, and the time before that she asked me if I had any support outside her office (I thought she meant 3-D, and that's how I replied, she didn't say anyting about PC type places)

if she IS reading here, I have no doubt at all that she will spot me; I just don't want to think about it, I would feel like someone was reading my diary without asking. True that forums are like big parties where everyone talks at once, but if I thought T was going to be at the party I wonder if I woudl go.

So... T dear.... if you are reading this.... please know that I really AM trying hard, and I think these are wonderful supportive people; but if you ARE reading here, I want you to be up front, come out and tell me so. And then of course I will not post here any more.

((((sitting))))

Thanks! but not you. I had originally responded to another reply, which i posted and then went back to edit to delete it part of the reply, which that last line was a part of...i dont know, maybe it's just me. I have a tendency to overreact to something that probably isn't even there or is completely innocent in nature. I don't know---probably something I should talk more about with T

I'd originally replied to my reasonings for being in lurkdom(outside of thinking that my T was reading this boards--- i am sure she would know who I was right off the bat too) the last few days, and i was getting the feeling like people weren't total understanding where i was coming from. So I was trying to explain and felt like every time I tried to explain, i just made it worse and then decided to go back and delete the response and figured I'd just better shut up before i make it worse. I get frantic if I think someone is angry with me and I thought....but was probably just taken back for a second. It's okay.

I actually intend to tell my T that I have a support group outside of our sessions tomorrow. I am going to tell her it is an online place, she is not very technically so I am not worried about her coming here. I do not even care if she did. Anything I say here I would love to be able to say in her office and some day I hope I will.

I conceder this forum like group therapy only better and easier.

I am confident that she will say that that this is a good and will she will be very supportive. I will let you know what she says.

Xtree

LLT, it really is OK.

LLT - I am so paranoid - I went back through this thread to see if I had posted anything that might have upset you and found that I hadn't replied yet, so....whew!!! lolol Anxiety feeding on anxiety feeding on anxiety....what a spiral of our own making we could create

I am glad you are back from lurkdom....I have to go there myself sometimes for various reasons, but it always feels good to me to come back and reconnect.

Glad you finally posted. I have been lurking lately too. I read all the posts but just can't get the energy to reply to anyone. Just replying to you is a good sign.

Keep on reading and writing.

Hang in there LLT and take it slow with the going back piece. One hour at a time okay? Remember to breathe...

I have had several mini ruptures with T. I always expected what I got from my family- which was to get blamed or criticised for my feelings. My T has always heard me out and has always affirmed me.

I hope that you find this to be true with your T.

I would freak if my T said to me "I read what you wrote about me online"...

Therapy is not a sprint it's more like a marathon. You have to be determined, set your pace, find a rhythm, and work through the pain.

LLT

I hope that things go okay on Weds.

Sometimes, the best way to begin a session is by revisiting the previous session and the feelings that provoked.

I hope you have a nice session tomorrow.

(((((((((( emilyjeane ))))))))))

hope you are feeling better soon.