In therapy a few weeks ago, my T was talking about how I was usually able to listen to my intuitions and keep out of of unsafe situations as a child. My T was telling me how this was a wonderful skill to have. But she said it is a curse and a blessing. Well I am beginning to see the curse part I think.

I started to talk about when I as in 4th grade and I had this friend and she was getting these hickeys from a neighborhood guy. Well I wanted some too, but I really didn't get how you actually get them. Well I went to spend the night with her and we went to this guys trailer who was married with a kid btw. And they were on the couch kissing and stuff and he patted the other side of him on the couch, wanting me to sit next to him. But something told there was something really wrong about this. Back then they didn't teach kids about good touch and bad touch. But still my instincts said yuck.

Then even as a 18yr. old, I had this friend who I gave trumpet lessons too, and was like a little sister to me for a few years. Well I knew her dad and he was always around when I was hanging out with this girl. Well one summer after my senior year of HS, he asked me to meet me in this local park, where he later told me he was in love with me, etc., and wanted to be with me. He was twice my age too. I didn't see him in this way, and actually it tore up my relationship with my friend, she didnt' know why though. Well someone like me who grew up without parental love, would have maybe be more influenced by his love for me, if anything to just get out of my home. But I didn't, it wasn't right, and even if it got me out of my home, I didn't want to be with this guy.

So while I was talking to my T about this, she changed, her energy, her expressions, it was almost like I touched a nerve with her. I have a feeling she might have been an incest victim or something. I emailed her about this, and said I noticed what I did, but I wasn't going to ask her because I don't want disclosure from her. Now when did see her this week, she didn't bring this exact thing up. But she did say that she is human and will respond to things sometimes.

Now my T says I do have very good intuitions, I notice detail, even in posts on here, but I never mentioned the things I see with her. I do know she wasn't feeling well a few weeks ago, I didn't say anything, but I know I see these things. She says this intuition and me noticing very small changes in people kept me alive as a child. I had to be on alert for changes in my mom especially since it was the difference of being tortured or whatever. 2 of my T's told that if I do become a T, this will be very helpful in reading people. But I don't think she thought about me reading her in session. I can't help it, and now I see it as a curse. I really don't want to know about my T's issues, but I can't help seeing changes in her.. I am not sure why I am writing this, but it is on my mind. Any thoughts, anyone?

[phoenix7]

I learnt to "read" people at an early age - I pick up on people when they are sad or angry before other people I work with do - looking for the slightest change in body posture, facial expression, tone of voice - its instinct - and I have learned to trust it as much as I trust anything.

I picked up on something with T when I talked about a possible flashback to childhood SA - I didnt mention it - I figured if she wants to mention it she will and if she doesnt then its because she doesnt want to so i dont press - I will mention if she looks tired because I feel that's a safe subject -

don't know if this helps at all - P7

[deliquesce]

i understand where you are coming from, i think. i notice small details too - all the time, to the point of not being surprised should other people find something surprising. for me, all the little details leading up to the big event foretold what was going to happen.

re: your t, however. it is possible she was not an incest-victim. maybe she had a sister who was, or a friend who was. maybe she was just upset on your behalf. like she said - all Ts are human and will react at times, but reactions don't necessarily indicate that she has 'issues' in that regard.

does that make sense? or am i missing something here?

eta: even if she was an incest-victim, i'm afraid i don't understand why this would be an issue for you? to me it would show that she had strength to overcome it and build up a life she wanted to live. i guess the temptation for me would be to want to protect her - but this is my time, i have no responsibilities towards her, and she would be capable enough of looking after herself.

Yeah, Phoneix,

I am so like this too. I can even pick up things written here in words too. I do trust my instincts too. But isn't it sometimes like "too much information" even though nobody is trying to tell us anything? Isn't it hard to let things go, especially things you pick up from your therapist?

I am glad I am not the only one, but I didn't know how common it was for survivors. I have never been able to talk to anyone who experiences this in real life.

Okay, this is going to sound so naive, but what is hickeys suppose to do for a person? I mean, this guy is just sucking on your neck giving you bruises, it that suppose to feel good, or is something suppose to be happening in addition to the hickey making?

[phoenix7]

Originally Posted by exoticflower

Yeah, Phoneix,

I am so like this too. I can even pick up things written here in words too. I do trust my instincts too. But isn't it sometimes like "too much information" even though nobody is trying to tell us anything? Isn't it hard to let things go, especially things you pick up from your therapist?

yep, it is hard to let go - but with my T I let her have that space - I'm also aware that when in hyper mode I can over-interpret things - read things into situations that arnt really there - and somtimes my insecurity colours what she has said - e.g., I didnt go to the gym last week - jut couldnt - T sai "I;m not sure that's a good enough reason not to go" - initial interpretation by me - oh you lazy person - you should have gotten up off the couch - dragged your fat body down to the gym and done something !!! - what she probably said and backed up by her body posture - it would have been better if you had gone cos you would have felt better

When I was attacked I knew the situation was excalating but the people I work with - who were in charge - wouldnt let me go in and diffuse the situation - having those instincts and not being alowed to act on them can be just as bad as over interpreting -

Sometimes we can be our own worst enemy - yep it's hard to let go -what I see or think I see or pick up from T but I try to just take it at face value - which is very vcery very hard!

[hangingon]

Exotic
Both my T's had told me that I had very good intuition as well and though they did not get me out of the SA that happened in the house, it prevented me from encounters outside the home.

Examples:
One time I was out with one of my little sisters, I was about 6 and she was 4 1/2. There was a group of neighborhood kids outside along with one of the kids dad. When everyone started to part, the kids dad looked at my little sister and I and said very sweetly, I will give you both a quarter if you show me where the bathroom is in that house. (It was an abandoned house). I knew right away something was up, I looked down at my little sister and whispered on the count of three we are going to run. She watched my mouth, and then we took off together. I pulled her along as she was smaller and I remember yelling at him when we made it to our front porch.

Another time someone had introduced me to a guy who had two small children. This new guy was informed that I was a great babysitter. Well, he looks at me and says, maybe you can come fishing with me and my children some time and help me out with them. It was the way he said it that I just sensed something erie about him.
This man started to hang out with my family. He was a security guard at that. I remember I was 12 years of age at the time. I went up to my mom one day and said mom, there is just something about him that I don't trust. Well, my mom never listened to me, she thought he was a great guy. A year later he was let go because a couple girls came forward and reported that he was sexually abusing them. About 5 years later my little sister finally confessed to my mom and I that the man also sexually abused her for a year. She was 8 years old at the time. I was so p*ssed at my mom. I said, I told you, why didn't you believe me. Her response was, you were just a child, why would I have believed you.

Those were just two instances, I don't know what it is but I am extremly sensitive to certain men, there is just a certain spirit about them that is very erie to me. I listen to those instincs the best I can now.

I also pay attention to my T movements as well, often times through the corner of my eye because I still have a hard time looking her in the eye unless she is the one talking.

I think abuse does influence these instincts, I know that growing up I always needed to be on guard.

Hangingon

Thank you for sharing that hangingon. I am so sorry about your sister, and the others. IT makes me sad that nobody listened to you, especially your mom. This is why I never told of my abuse because my mom said nobody would believe what she was doing, I think she was probably right.
I am glad we are talking about this, I don't feel like such a fortuane teller. It is sad that we had to learn this skill from our prior abuses, but it seems like it also helped us in other situations though.
I can read men rather easily about their intentions , but for me it is women that are more underhanded and callous but they fake their niceness better than men, but I can see this rather easily, especially growing up with a my abusive mom, who did these things to me and others.

I can say that it did help when I started to date, I knew the boys to stay away from and I knew how to get out of situtions that had potential for harm.

For parenting, it has been a huge asset, even in non abusive sitations. I remember the doct office ladies and nurse telling me my daughter was okay at 6 mo. and I was just overreacting to her crying. Well it turned out she had vaginal adhesions and that she had trouble urinating due to things being almost completely sealed up. The doct was my husband's cousin's husband. When he found out that that they wouldn't let me come in, he was furious. I had to go to a medpoint and they listened to me that something was wrong.
Then when my son was first born, he was so fussy, and the nurses at a different peditricans office told me it was just probably colic.I said, no, I think it is something else. Even the peditrican thought it was colic. Well it turned out that my son was very allergic to everything, including the foods that I was eating that was coming through my breast milk. He was only getting like this 20min after nursing and had gas and mucus in his stool. This was before the internet and John Hopkins had me talk to someone who did studies on breast milk allergies, and he gave me a lot of articles and advice. When I went on a very restrictive diet, he got better. He was tested and he was allergic to almost everything like soy which is in almost everthing. All he and I could eat for almost 2 years was rice and green beans, I couldn't have any pocessed foods. At 2 yrs. old we had to try new foods one at a time for 2 weeks at a time.

So I trust my intutions, it is just sometimes I wish I could turn it off, when I don't want to know stuff, like in therapy. Or when I can tell people really don't like me even when they pretend to. Sometimes I wish I was guliable.

[notz]

I am blessed/cursed with the ability to "see, hear, sense, read" others. My t/pdoc praises my intuition as a wonderful gift that I have used in many wonderful ways including as a survival tool during childhood abuse.

Sometimes I pick up on things with her. Sometimes I ask, sometimes I don't. Sometimes she will bring it up, sometimes she doesn't. It just depends. We're in this room and I'm paying for the time and if I think it's pertinent, then I will bring it up, if not then, then at another time.

She's always been very understanding that I can sense her feelings at times. She knows that sometimes I need to know that she's not reacting to me. It's very easy for me to assume blame even when there's none to assign!

notz

This is good info Phoenix,

I think I might do this too. But I wonder if it something other than instinct though like in your example of not going to the gym. But I could be wrong. I will try to give my T some space and not bring up my discoveries in emails to her about her. I am glad you are sharing about this though, it is very helpful to me. ((((phoenix))))

Notz,

It sounds like you have a very good T how understands you. It sounds like you know how to handle things when you have these intuitions. I still need to work on this "blessing"

[chaotic13]

I think our inutition is highly advanced when we take the time to listen to it. However, I think sometimes we know when someone's mood changes but we have to be careful about jumping to conclusions about what might have caused the change.

[SpottedOwl]

((((exoticflower))))

I am also very sensitive and have used my intuition my whole life to protect myself, but also to explore the world. Most of my life I think that it has isolated me, because it felt like other people didn't understand how much I really knew about things. So, I learned to keep my experiences to myself.

How many times I've asked myself that very question...is this a blessing or a curse? I'm really trying hard now to embrace it as a blessing, because it is part of what makes me, ME.

Most of my work in this area has been with T, and I think you can use the therapy room as a safe place to test your intuition and nurture it. I would encourage you to talk with your T about this, and set some ground rules, like 'no personal disclosure'.

For example, if you could tell T as soon as you had that feeling, not only would that give T an opportunity to 'inhabit' the same moment as you, but it will help you to not hide that sensitive side of you. My T will often ask me where I feel it in my body, what sensations am I having, what does it remind me of?

I really do believe it can transform into a blessing in your life. Embrace all of what makes you unique and beautiful!