Do It!!!

I had a very tearful session today, I didnt plan it that way, and the pain is excruciating like I'm going to explode, I just felt T was not there today and I know if I say that to her she say something like "like how your adoptive mother was never there for you?" and I dont want her to say that, but I want her to do something, I want her to "FIX MY LIFE", ****ing, god dam it!! I CAN'T DO IT!!! cant she see that???? GGGRRRRRRRRR, take the pain away, pick me up and hold me and tell me "there, there"!!! take all the horrible things away!!! AARRGGHHHH

a big fat ****ing BOLLOCKS!! had enought of this crap!!

so I just emailed T and said I quit!!!

((((((((((((((( MOUSE )))))))))))))))

ohhhhhhkayyyyy..... breathe........
dear Mouse, I'm sorry it hurts so much. I don;t know how much time goes by between your sessions, maybe you could skip this one for breathers and set up the next one, and by the time that comes around could be time enough for you to decide to quit. Please don't make a decision when you are upset. take care

((((((((( Mouse ))))))))))

When I was in therapy we used to have swearing sessions, it was so good to do that!

Keep going, don't give up, the healing is happening.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((mouse))))))))))))))))))))))

It's so tempting to quit when the pain gets to be too great. Feeling all of these feelings that we have bottled up for years....feelings we didn't even know were THERE!....is excruciating, and maddening, and just ****** sometimes.

Breathe. Write. Pound on the couch. Let the energy of this anger and hurt OUT.

Thinking of you...

(((Mouse)))

It hurts. I know. I know. . .

You'll get through this.

It will pass.

I am with you.

((((((((((((((Mouse))))))))))))))

You can't quit, you're my therapy muse. You go so deep and find so many answers within yourself. You have been doing such good work, it is inspiring to me and others here. I know it hurts, I want to quit too. Has your T replied?

(((mouse_))) Crappy days are one thing. But crappy days that also include a crappy therapy session, are even worse. I HATE when the energy hit explosion levels. That's that song on the radio these days..."Say what you need to say." Then deal with it later. Your T has certainly demonstrated that she can handle it and will continue to be your rock.

(((hugs))) I hope this round of pain, passes quickly.

(((( HUGS )))) I wish I could take your pain away.....

Ria

Thank you for the supportive posts. Its so nice to be with other people that really "Get" what therapy is about..and "get" the pains and joys also.

I wrote that email to T yesterday and its sort of all fits as I emailed a photo, the only photo I so gratefully have off my birth mother...we are like identical twins, but in the photo my birth mother has the worlds widest grin and she looks so happy and like shes got her life together and T said she seems to have been able to put a brave face on for the world to see, and last week when I was searching for what my birth mother might have passed onto me we worked out that that is one thing I do also, accept it never really hit home until yesterday when T replied to my email with this email...

Dear Mouse
Yes, I know it hurts. And I can understand that you feel like not coming back. Perhaps it feels like a way to take control – to take your own path – and perhaps also it feels easier if you don’t have to let me see your pain.
You are risking a great deal to expose your vulnerability to me, and it’s hard when you’re in the middle of it to see why and how it might be helpful.
This is all stuff we can keep talking about, and making sense of, but I know that it’s the feelings themselves that are overwhelming.
Love,

****

It hit me than, yes its showing my hurt that I struggle with the most. You'd think we'd all be happy to want to do that, but its not that simple, I can talk about lots of "Stuff", but I don't think I've really talked about that real deep, deep, hurt. Just like my birht mother that was smiling like the world was her oyster but what pain and hurt had she been hiding, enought to drive her to alcoholism and give away each of her children?? In finding my "hurt" I am finding my birht mother and coming to terms with what it means to hurt.

((((((((((((((((Mouse)))))))))))))))))))))

I'm glad your T replied with such compassion and understanding.

What you said here struck me:

Quote:

In finding my "hurt" I am finding my birth mother and coming to terms with what it means to hurt.

I have been thinking, thinking thinking.....what does it mean to hurt?.... and to find the hurt, and to express it.
And why does it have to hurt so much.

thinking of you............

I feel for you....I kind of understand. I have always been the glue in the family and did right by them and at 48 find that my parents do not care about me and am just trying to suck it up. I found that outsiders offer more comfort than family. My parents just continue to hurt me BIG TIME.

Wow mouse the deep crap just keeps coming. But you keep moving. Your T's email gave me the chills.

wow Mouse... you really teach me something here. thank you.

(((((((((((((((((((((Mousie))))))))))))))))))))))

Your T sent such a perfect, compassionate e-mail. It so wonderful when we can express WHATEVER,and we get "I understand you and I still like you and want to be with you" in return.

You are growing and healing. The pain just sucks, but there will be another side, and it will be worth it

I think the best thing to come out of feeling our hurt, is that we can than understand others hurt and not lived such a narrow existence full of selfishness??? I know this has been part of my problem, my inablity to feel has led me to not understand others so the world became a very scary place. I guess now if someone attempts to hurt me, I can say, oh well thats there stuff not mine, because I know my own hurt and can recognise what others will do to avoid it, just like me.

Yikes, Mouse, you are such a deep thinker. I love reading your thoughts although I have to admit most of the time they are to deep for me to respond......but you do make me ponder.

And today......I read your post and am sitting here thinking about what you wrote here:

This is a different way of thinking about it....and at first gave me some satisfaction in knowing that yes, my hurt can be helpful. It can help my understanding of others. For a moment a light bulb came on and I thought - aha!! A purpose to the hurt. That is good for it to have a purpose.
Then the resentment started creeping in.....and the questioning..... and the wondering, what is wrong with being selfish sometimes. And not wanting to be hurt. Even if it means we don't understand the ocean of misery that plagues the human race.

I understand what you are saying here, and it makes a lot of sense.....that lack of understanding can lead to fear what is not understood.
But also, isn't the world made into a scary place because of the people who have hurt us? To me it is scary that people can be blindsided with pain by others who are supposed to be trustworthy, or even by perfect strangers.
Then I think, would it be better to be scared of the world because I don't understand the world, or because the world has hurt me? Either way, it is scary.

Are you saying here that people will hurt others to avoid feeling their own hurt? To me, that would make the world a very scary place too.....

Ahhhhhh - your insights really have me thinking today Mouse......I think writing it out is helping me figure out these thoughts.....but you don't have to respond - I don't even think I am making any sense.

Sounds like your T is on the right track.

Feeling the hurt....embracing the hurt....I can't even imagine trying to do that. You are so brave.

Kgirl I think for me the world was scary because I was afraid of the power hurt had over me...you know that biblical verse about fearing no one??...well that is the truth, once we have come into touch with the hurt caused by others I think there is not much left to fear?? it was the fear of the fear that scared me the most and everyone became like predators to me, I was giving them this power over me...now I know the worse that can happen can be faced and you do not die, than it sort of takes the power out of the world..and instead of everyone being alien to me, I recognise their grief and their fear and their hurt and they become simply humanbeings...thats not to say I won't ever experience pain of hurt again, but its not as threatning now, its more "right sized" and the selfishness part, well theirs self love and their selfishness and for me selfisnness just causes me more hurt.....self love is different, it includes and doesnt exclude....

Ahhhh, very good explanation of this issue Mouse. I'm glad that you are healing. You are quite amazing..............

what a great email - your t certainly knows how to put things in perspective - and so do you by the way - you have gained a lot of insight and passed it on to us - thankyou for that - I am sorry it was so painful to get but I hope this means you are not giving up on therapy - take care

Yesterday when I was able to bring the whole me to the session, I was able to expressed something while connected to the emotions. I couldn't stay there, but the impact on me was profound. In prior discussions my T would ask me if I had compassion for the little girl. I always said, "sure, things were rough for her, I feel bad for her." But honestly, during our conversation...I wasn't feeling anything for her. That is until yesterday. I now get, feeling the hurt, allows me to not just say...she didn't deserve that. I actually felt that she didn't deserve it. Today it is a lot harder for me to blame and attack that feral child because...I remember a little bit more what it was really like back then. For me is was about feeling the hurt so that I could be compassionate towards others. It was so I could be compassionate towards myself.

Woo Hoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

chaotic13 - I'm gad you found the compassion for the child inside