[hangingon]

Todays session was different than I have ever had.

When I first went in, she talked about the email I sent about hugs. She thanked me for telling her that I liked them ect..Then I talked a little about my first clinical rotation in the operating room today, which was really quite the experience. I watched two surgery's and didn't pass out and that was a good thing.
Then I told her some about my hard weekend, just sadness when driving in the car and wanting to know why. We talked some about that.

Then I brought up that my mom's birthday is next week, just before mothers day and that it's the first Birthday since her death.

This is where it got very difficult. I told her it was starting to hit me some. So much confusion about how I am feeling about her death. I pulled out something I had written after reading a section in the courage to heal book. I had written about a woman's comment about her mom's failing health and how she knew she didn't have much longer. The women realized that she may never hear the words I'm sorry from her mom. Then she goes on to say that while her mom is still alive there is however, always that hope.

That hit me hard because I don't have my mom anymore. I gave the note to my T because it helped explain some of my confusion. It mentioned how I will never have that chance with my mom because she is already gone. I mentioned how all I ever wanted was to have my mom show me
she loved me and that she believed me about the SA. Yet, those things were left udone. I felt like I was trying to win her love right up to her death. Now she is gone, I will never have another mom, no one could ever replace the one mom I was given, and that is a huge void. It leaves me with so many unresolved feelings that it's hard to bare.

I started to cry when talking about that and ended up with the worst headache. Somehow the thought hit me, how could a mom not do anything about her daughter being abused. How do you deny that.

Then I said to my therapist how can a mom do that to her daughter. Then it really started to hit me, I held back as hard as I could and then the tears flowed. She use to let me sleep at one of the guys houses, I was only 8 years old. I lost it for the first time ever in Therapy. Buried my face in the arm of the chair and was balling my eyes out. I could barely breath.

As soon as I buried my face my T came over and asked if she could touch me, I was crying so hard I couldnt answer, she started to rub my back, telling me its ok, that she is there with me, that I'm not alone. Then she sat on the floor next to the chair I was sitting in and was rubbing my back, my knees, handed me tissue. Was holding my hand and just kept saying that she was there with me that I was safe. She kept telling me to breath because I could barely catch my breath. She was breathing out loud to try to get me to do it. At one point she was asking me to look at her but I couldn't. I took me the longest time to turn my face from the arm of the chair to look at her.

When I finally did, she kept asking me to breath, I was shaking. I had never ever had that happen before. She was smiling rubbing my knee telling me, that she is right there with me. That I am in the present. Things like that. It took awhile for me to calm down, I was so nauseous. We ended up going over time.

I felt really bad about that. I apologized for crying and she said please don't apologize. You have no need to apologize, none of this was your fault. She actually said quite a few things that I can't remember.

We talked about simple things before I was to go. Then she gave me a really big long hug before I left. She told me that I was doing great work, that it's normal for what I experienced to happen. And that it is good that I am letting some of this out. Thats its a big part of the work to recognize these feelings, something like that.

That session was intense for me. I told her I was embarrased. She said you have nothing to be embarrased about, but for me, not having cried so long and hard in therapy before, it was scary.

I am so thankful at how supportive my T was. She was just so sweet and gentle. Not sure I could thank her enough, even though she tells me that no thanks are needed.
I didn't think I would ever break down in therapy like that.

((((((((((((((((((((((((hangingon))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

What a healing session. I'm so glad that your T gave you the comfort you needed. You are doing such great work. Take care of yourself tonight.

[gravyyy]

What a session!!! That's fantastic that you had this experience in therapy. I have never had a session like you describe here but I can imagine how difficult and exhausting it must be. At the same time I can imagine that it is probably going to be an important step in your progression toward healing. I have often wanted to break down in session but have never allowed myself to do that. I am envious of you and really happy that you shared here. I'm glad you have a T who was so supportive and kind!! Take care and continue the good work!

Just reading about this has me bawling all over the place. What a special session, what a special T, and most of all what a special person you are.

[mixedup_emotions]

I am so glad that you had a good session with T and that she supported you through the pain....

Continuing to work through this will get you to healing. I firmly believe that.

[beadlady29-old]

(((((((((((((hanginon))))))))))))



beads

[sunrise]

(((((((hangingon)))))))

[sittingatwatersedge]

dear Hangingon, here is a big long hug from me too. You let a lot of light and air into your hurt, I hope it heals you very soon.

hangingon

[darkrunner]

wow - what an intense session. It sounds like you had some really painful realizations. And I guess feeling the pain is the only way to heal.
I'm glad you have such a wonderful T who was there to share it with you and help you through it. Thanks for sharing this.

[peaches100]

(((((Hangingon)))))

What a deep, intense session. I understand being "scared" by overwhelming emotions. They scare me also, which is why I usually can feel myself resisting feeling them on some level. But my t says the same thing yours does: that it's good to get the feelings out. I'm so incredibly happy for you, that you have such a wonderful, caring therapist. I've often wished mine would give physical comfort when I'm in deep pain. I can imagine how healing this must have felt for you.

Not having ever received the support from your mom for your SA must feel terribly disappointing. I don't understand why your mom let you spend the night at your abuser's home either. Like you, I also was SA when I was 8 years old. . . by a neighbor who lived on the corner: a man about 40 years old. My parents didn't keep an eye on me enough to even realize I'd been going over there until the day it got dark and I didn't come home. Once they found out he'd molested me, they did nothing about it. Didn't even confront the guy. Just said, "Don't go over there anymore." End of story. Never mentioned again.

I really think I understand how you're feeling. I'm so, so sorry that your mom did not step up to the plate and give you the support you needed to deal with your abuse. It hurts so much, I know. I'm so glad you have a supportive therapist now who can validate your feelings and help ease your pain.

[searchingmysoul]

((((((hanginon))))))

It sounds like your T was really with you.

I hope that you are doing well today. Processing through all of that deep grief can be very overwhelming.

Take good care of yourself...

[hangingon]

Thank all of you for your kind words.

It was such a scary session but I was really thankful at how right there my T was for me. It made it a little easier.

I woke up feeling panic after lasts night session. I am trying to not think about but its hard not to after being so vulnerable with someone, when I am so not the type to be like that. My T looked at me and asked me to try to leave it there safe in the room with her. I have been trying that but haven't been so good at it.

Plus so many thoughts about what really set me off in session, my T asked me what I was thinking when that was going on but I couldn't tell her. Its just hard to feel all this stuff. Just alot of sadness and some anxiety.

Thank you again for your words, sorry it took awhile to get back to all of you.

[Elysium]

I've read your post a couple of times...

I'm so happy for you that you were able to release some of your sadness and pain in a safe, healthy place and that your T was there for you when you needed her.

I have been seeing my T for the last 5 years, and I trust her more than I trust any other. For some reason, I am so blocked up inside, even when I know I want to cry and just let it out in therapy, I can't. I'll start to cry and then I'll stifle myself and start to dissociate and pretty soon, I'm all dried up. I long for being able to just let it all go, to have my T sit with me and be there for me. I don't know why I just can't do it....

Or maybe I do........

I get scared, that if I break down, I will never regain my composure. I fear it will all come out at once and I will be blown to little pieces and so will anyone around me. I'm afraid that if I let her see how hurt I am, she will not respond. She will just sit there and look at me, like "are you done yet?" I am afraid that if I break down that she will respond, and she will be there for me. And I will have to validate that I am a person who actually deserves this kind of care. And then my whole emotional world will come crashing down. Because if I do deserve care and compassion and the people that mean the most to me couldn't/wouldn't/didn't give it to me then it wasn't my fault. And if it wasn't my fault, then all the horrible ways they did treat me were all for nothing and they never really loved me in the first place.

So, I'm afraid she won't be there for me, and I'm afraid that she will.

I feel like I've been wasting her time. Because of a new diagnosis, I have to switch to a new T and will be starting the transition process soon. I don't want to leave her. I want to stay where I am comfortable. I want to break down with her. I want her to be the one to help me through...not some new person I don't know or trust.

I still can't help but think that my T will be glad to see me go though. I am probably making her crazy. She's probably thinking..."God...some things you just can't fix!!"

I'm soooo scared.

Sorry...I didn't mean to highjack your post...

I'm glad you had this positive therapy experience.

[phoenix7]

elysium, I feel like I could have written your post - those are my fears too - including having to see a new T - if I can be of any help let me know - you can get through this

Hangingon - what a healing session - I am so glad you were able to show your emotions and so happy that T was there for you comforting and supportive - I bet you are exhausted now - you did a brave and strong thing by letting your emotions show this is a breakthrough

[beadlady29-old]

beads

[hangingon]

Elysium,

I have thought those same exact things. I only ever slightly teared up and would stiffle it. I could stop the tears at the drop of a dime.

There is no planning it, I had no idea, it just happend. I was so overwhelmed with everything, that I just turned to my side in the chair and buried my face in the arm of it and then tears just poured.

I too thought that if I started to cry I would never stop, that the tears would just keep coming. I thought I would lose control if I did. But I didn't, I'm ok. Well for now... I have been extremely sad tonight but it may be because I am now just starting to grieve the loss of my mom, which happened 7 months ago.

I am sorry you will be having to move on from your T. I imagine that is so difficult. I decided to move on from my first one after seeing her for a year because I didn't feel any connection with her. Now with my new one that I have been seeing for about 5 months now, it's been good. Not that I don't get upset about some things. But she is just seems much more caring and warm. I was scared to death to make the switch but it has been a good one.

I totally fear my T leaving me. I haven't went into this conversation with her but when I started I did tell her that that is one of the issues that makes it hard for me to trust. That in the end, after I share all this stuff with her, I will have to leave. That makes me sad. I hope I am really ready in the end.

I wish you well with your new T. For me it was actually a bit easier the second time around. You may find your new one to be wonderful. Hang in there.

Phoenix,
Thank you, it was very exhausting. I'm feeling the sadness again tonight. I hope that doesn't last long.
I hope this allows me to learn to be more open with her as well because I still hold back alot.
So much to learn

Beadlady,
Thank you for the supportive hugs. Sending some back

[phoenix7]

sorry you are sad

[mixedup_emotions]

Elysium....I can totally relate to everything that you are saying. I am there too and feel the same way.

Hangingon....I am glad you were able to make progress, although I know how incredibly hard it is. The pain that gets brought to the surface is so hard to endure. My T said something to me the other day when I said that I was trying to learn some coping mechanisms to deal with my feelings. He said that he feels that coping mechanisms, although sometimes necessary, do not allow for people to work through their feelings and come out on the other side. I'm thinking to myself - YIKES - work through the feelings!?!!? You're getting there....

[beadlady29-old]

((((((((((((((((((((((((hanginon))))))))))))))))))))))))
((((((((((((((((((((((((elysium)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((phoenix)))))))))))))))))))))))
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((mixedupemotions)))))))))))))))))))

hanginonwe is so happy for you that you are becoming able to get in touch with some of your feelings...........we can only imagine how much it hurts, causes you sadness and greif, and how hard that it is. but it IS a part of the healing process and so on the other hand it IS a good thing that you were able to get some of that out.

elysium we can so unnerstand where you are coming from.......we are absolutely terrified of feeling anything...........we is sooooooooo disconnected form our feelings. its like even when we does talk about some of the s hit in the garbage can were in robot mode and its almost like we are talking about someone else's life, not ours.........we do not seem to have any surface or below surface for that matter feelings attatched to any of that stuff.......we do not know how to connect with the feelings that shuold be attatched to it.........

any time we tear up during therapy we cannot let ourself go there and we just suck it back up cuz we cant seem to be able to allow ourselfs to feel yet. we hopes we get to this place you aRE hanginon where we can let ourself feel SOMETHING, anything..............
dunno iffen T even realizes that we is so disconnected from our feelings about everything, both past and present....maybe we should try to talk to him about that grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr since it is such a key part of beginning to heal.

beads is so thankful for all of your courageous posts here........helps us to see what direction maybe we need to be going in!

hugs for those who wants them, and also warm fuzzies and peaceful thounks for all,

beads (all of us)

[Mouse_]

Hanging,

[hangingon]

Thank you Phoenix, MUE, Beard, and Mouse,

I have been sort of overwhelmed and sent my T a letter today telling her some of how I am feeling and how I fear going to session and breaking down again. That I feel like its a burden for her to see that. I asked her if it's really ok to do that. That I don't feel like I derserve to be able to do this.

She sent this short but nice response back.
It is really ok, ********. The depth of your emotions and memories are never a burden to me. Though it can be really hard, allowing your expression is a huge gift to your healing. See you Wednesday! *****

I don't know what it is, but I am scared to death to have to walk back into session and I don't even have to do that till Wednesday. MUE, I am scared to death to work through these feelings. They just became too much at my last session and pushed themself through.

I told my T in the email that I refrain from telling her some things because I have to hold back so hard when I do. That it's not that I don't trust her but more that I feel like I will be swallowed up by emotion.
Why does this stuff have to be so difficult?

[phoenix7]

((((Hangingon)))

what a lovely message from your T - Im sorry that this is so hard - I dont know any other way to get through it and I understand that you would be scared and nervouse about going back to T - but T wil help you through this and out the other side into the sunshine

maybe ask T if you can talk about a safe subject before you leave so you can leave calm