T just called...

I have been having trouble with therapy lately, feeling like my T is not supporting me (specifically related to some future plans of mine). She has said she is, but I have kept interpreting what she says as her not being supportive.

Anyway, we have been emailing a lot. I have been feeling very emotional and upset. She called me this weekend (I missed her call) and then again today. She said said she wanted to talk rather than try to deal with all of this by email. I thought it was really nice of her to reach out (I've never called her, but we email a lot). It made me feel like she did care if I was upset.

Basically, last week I told her I still didn't feel she was supporting me and my choice, and her response was basically that I need to be more patient with myself and with others (i.e. she meant herself included). That was extremely hard to hear -- she hasn't directly criticized me before, usually she lets me figure things out myself. And later said she felt like she didn't know what to say, because I interpreted everything she said as critical. Also hard. It makes me feel like I've been too open with her, too selfish, too much talking about me and how I feel all the time, and that I need to start being more polite and considerate again, that I've done everything wrong. It makes me think of all of my other faults that she's probably thinking of and feeling frustrated with (I'm too demanding, I jump to conclusions, I overreact, etc.).

It's true that I have been upset and frustrated lately (due to various life events), but I never meant to take it out on her. I've already apologized for that twice. She said thanks, and I don't think she's still mad at me for it. I think she's glad that I've agreed to continue with therapy (before I had said I was going to take this week off).

It is just so hard to be criticized by someone I've been so open with. It hurts so much worse. It is hard to acknowledge that she may be right (and thus, I and my feelings are wrong). It makes me wonder if I can trust myself in the future, or if when we disagree, I should just always default to, You're right, I'm probably wrong. I mean, if I had taken it to heart every time someone criticized me (rather than getting angry and defending myself), how would I have ever accomplished anything? I guess the difference is that she has proven to me that I can trust her not to try to hurt me, and so if she criticizes me, I should be able to accept that as coming from a place of wanting to help me, not wanting to hurt me.

This is a lot, but I will try. Technically, she's probably right that I should be more patient with myself and others. So I can't even say it's unfair. I should just accept it, work on it, and try to not make it bigger than it has to be.

Therapy is hard.

therapy is hard and can be confusing at times too

((((((((((((((((((((((notme9)))))))))))))))))))))

It sounds like T really cares about you and wants to help you....and wants to work through the rough time that the two of you are having. How cool that she called you...

It's hard not to hear what our T's say as criticism sometimes....but I wonder if she really meant it that way?? When I get in a bad place in general, I get SUPER sensitive to the things T says, and he can say almost ANYTHING and I can turn it into something negative. Sometimes, he'll just say, you can choose to believe me or not, but I am not criticizing you (or I'm not going to refer you, or you're not too needy, or whatever my issue is). When he says that, I realize that I do have a choice....and that T does have my best interest at heart. So I choose to believe him (and trust him) because choosing NOT to just makes me spiral into a crazy place. And really, I do know T is not out to hurt me or make me feel bad, even though when I get into a bad place, I have to really consciously tell myself that and just choose to go against my instincts and believe it. I haven't been wrong yet.

I hope you will tell T the things you said in your e-mail....that you feel like you are being criticized, and that you are worried that you are going to deal with every conflict in T with "T is right and I am wrong". Those are important things to talk about.

It sounds like your T really cares, and you two are just not communicating well right now. I hope next time you see her in person, you are able to start to come to a better understanding with her. When I am having troubles with T, it seems like it's a lot easier to work it out in person than over the phone or in e-mail...it helps me to be with him and to see him and his reactions.

((((((((((((((((((((((((notme9)))))))))))))))))))))))) Hang in there

(((notme9)))

maybe try to take the comment for what it is and not read things into it (I should try that too! ) talking is better than email - I hope you are there for the next call and that things work out for you

you can stil trust yourself - I dont think T was criticising you - I think she was just giving you an idea to work on not saying that you shouldnt look after yourself or that you were being too needy or selfish - just adding another thing to think aobut

take care P7

(((((Notme)))))),
I also went through a few phases where I took everything that T said wrong. I'm so glad that you are continuing in therapy because I know that things can get better. I still take things he says wrong, but it is a lot less frequent and I am now better able to think of alternative reasons as to why he would say whatever he said and actually consider them. For me, time and patience [from my T --and from myself (which didn't nor doesn't always happen)--] were major factors in arriving at where I am. Don't give up, it's worth it. Take care.

Thanks, Treehouse.

Yes, I do think she meant to criticize me, or at least correct me, in this instance (she said she "knew it would be hard to hear"). But she was probably right, I do have room for improvement there.

You're right, I have to try to trust her because moving into that "crazy place" is so awful and unhelpful and all consuming.

Feeling like I have a little more perspective now and that things aren't so terrible. Glad I got to talk to her today to settle things a little and very glad to be leaving the "crazy place."

Thanks again for the support.

Thanks, Soliaree. It's nice to hear someone else has been here and that therapy has helped them move away from it in a lasting sense. It gives hope that it's not all a pointless exercise.