"I don't give up that easily...."

Today, the bulk of our session was about my resistance to opening up to T.... T said "I see you want to tell me things, but you stop yourself. I want to figure out where the resistance is coming from. I want to find out why you have a hard time telling me things and opening up". I just looked at her. She said "is it a trust thing? you are afraid to feel vulnerable?" I told her, yeah a combo of those and I am afraid of what you will think about me. She said "I talk to people all day and hear A LOT of things. there is nothing you could tell me that would shock me". I said I know. She said "you know in your head, but your emotions tell you something different". She wanted to know what she could do to make me more comfortable with her. I told her nothing. It's me. She asked if I wanted to know anything about her, that maybe it would help. I found out she is from NY and moved to her current how 6 or 7 years ago. Eventually I said "honestly, I am waiting for you to get fed up...it would make it so much easier to never go back". She said " well, I don't give up that easily. I may get frustrated if it feels like we are going in circles, but I dont give up that easily"...darn LOL, but . She asked if it's easier for me to write things down than to say them, I told her yes. So she thought maybe I should start bringing my journal in. Granted, I have given her some excerpts.... more like 2 and I decided I didnt want to give her anymore....

I know for some here writing things down for T to read was helpful, but I dont want to DEPEND on writing stuff down all the time. For those found it helpful to write things down for T to read, how did this work for you? did it ease you into being able to open up and once you discovered it was OK, you didn't need to give T some of your writings???? I jsut want to be able to go in there and TALK darn it....

I really connect with your feeling that it's not yet safe to talk, but being sooo frustrated because you want to talk. Been there, am there!

I don't write for my T, but we struggle through the silent periods together. It helps that he is always there, available, even when I spend an entire hour struggling in silence. It has been an ebb and flow for me, and now if I have a silent session I can usually go in the next week and discuss why (it always comes down to feeling uncomfortable being so vulnerable).

It has helped me to recognize that, at least for me, these times are just as much (if not more) valuable than when we discuss the traumatic stuff. I'm finally learning how to let someone see me struggle and slowly I'm finding ways to accept empathy and caring. Even when we sit in silence, there's a lot of emotion that goes on between us.

So try to take a bit of pressure of yourself, hey? (though if you're like me, that's highly unlikely!)

I think this has been THE single most frustrating experience for me. I've been going for over a year now, and while it has gotten easier...it still isn't easy. She thinks that I have a very hard time trusting people, and especially being vulnerable in front of anyone. Its hard for me because I feel like I am so frustrating some times, like she just wants to shake me and be like "Own up to your feelings! You have them!" I have written her a couple of e-mails here and there when I'm really frustrated and it always says volumes more in terms of real feelings than I can have come out of my mouth in session.

Just last week I told her that a particular song was meaningful to me, and she said I should bring it in and we could listen to it, or I could read the lyrics. I just looked at her like You crazy, woman?! I knew she got excited when I told her about that song, and I felt bad when I shot the idea down. So, after session, I went and wrote her and e-mail apologizing that I couldn't say it out loud, but I wrote them to her.

This week, she said she got the lyrics, and she wondered why it felt hard to share them with her in person. I just shrugged and was like "mmmm i don't know" I think most of my therapy is me shrugging and going "I don't know"

Its hard, but I continue to go even if I wonder what the heck I'm doing there a lot. I just hope she doesn't continue to see me just because I'm a reliable source of income, and otherwise pathetic and useless.

PSSST- Can I borrow your T?
Oh just for a little while...I'll send her back!
(she must be at least a little homesick of new york...right?)

I never really got over the fear of talking with my previous T until the last day. I really wanted her to notice that I felt uncomfortable...because it was something I was too scared to say...but she just interpreted the body language I was sending out as boredom. Oh well, that's in the past now... even though it still bothers me. I really hope my next T will be a billion times better...I think I'll still be really scared...but I'm hoping this new T will actually notice this...(or at least be less invalidating as my former T) it's really hard to trust someone if you don't feel like they understand you.

The bulk of my therapy was done with writing. At first I wouldn't even allow him to read in the same room. I made the poor guy leave and go in the waiting room. Eventually I allowed him to read in the room, but I was cowered down and staring at the floor. Then I told him a few things verbally...but with my eyes closed. During the last session I looked him in the eye and told him I loved him. So definitely yes, it helped me ease into it. Sometimes I would still write after I started being verbal, but not because I was too afraid to talk. I just wanted to say it right and my verbal skills kind of suck. My brain is slow processing so it was just easier. Maybe you could try some with the writing and build up a comfort level until you feel ready to talk. It is frustrating when you just can't find the words. Good luck. Sounds as if your T is willing to be patient.

I didn't write a lot to T but some. That she accepted it and left it up to me to talk about or not talk about what I wrote was meaningful and bonding too.

I moved from that to writing a few lines about something I wanted to talk about on a small piece of paper that I carried in my pocket. To encourage myself, and to remind me too--since my mind would freeze so often once I sat down. lol ---I would reach into the pocket and touch the paper and it would reconnect me with my thoughts I had written there. Eventually I felt free to pull the paper out and look at it in front of her.

Another thing that I still do is call and leave messages and she will ask if I want to talk about those, which I usually do want to do. Embrassingly, I don't always remember what I've said .

Even after 2 years T will let me know when she feels I'm holding back. I remember feeling that as a judgement, but of course as I have come to know T and the process, I see it's really just 'noticing' and a way of encouraging me to talk about anything and everything.

Wanting to move from writing more to talking more freely is what's happening. Allow it time to emerge and keep talking about it as you are.
You're doing great

I have a very hard time opening up and I do want to say things but it is like clamp goes over my mouth and shuts me up or my thoughts get muddled. I was very frustrated with myself so I wrote down my thoughts and frustrations and I mailed it to my T because I knew I would never give it to my T face to face. I also didn't want to watch my T read it. My next session after I mailed it I felt a sense of relief and slowly I am able to open up more and more. I think it also helped my T focus on what I wanted help with and my concerns. I still find myself starting to share some things and bam all of a sudden I just can't get it out. I just stop mid sentence. My T says that when that happens it is obvious I have something to say and can see the frustrations with myself not being able to share. And that is okay. It will come I need to be patient with myself and not beat myself up over it. My T says I am good at stuffing. I do that when I cry in session too. I start to cry and then I stuff it down and get myself together. Oh I just wish I could let go! I think we have made some gains since the letter. I don't think I would do it on a regular basis but it did seem to get me ove that first hurdle. You need to do what works for you.

I saw T for a long time but found it hard to say a lot of things so I wrote them down - it really helped - I still have problems at times and thenI take in somthing I have written to help me - it worked for me - find what works for you