Fear of losing control

No but I have come back with, yeah, thats much easier said than done!
Acutally I told my T via email that other day that anger is what I feel most for myself. Then I said, sometimes, I don't even think anger is the right word, hate, I hate myself for the way I am.......

It's just so frustrating to know and not really be able to do anything about it. I want to "fix" myself......
Someone told me the other day that there is nothing to "fix", how can you fix something that is not broken, you just haven't learned yet.....you haven't learned how to be yet....you were taught all wrong....its just going to take time and patience...
That was pretty insightful...

ahh, yes...I sit and stare at the ceiling, her bookshelf, my feet...I think i might look at her two ore three times in the entire hour! I feel bad, like how on earth is she supposed to connect to someone who won't even look her in the eye!

Ahhhh... is this so frustrating ... You know what you want to do but can't DO IT.

I'm like this too. I DO NOT WANT TO BE LIKE I AM!

You know... this notion I... well get really pissed off about. I will say to my T, "I don't understand why I don't do X. I see most everyone else in the room doing X, yet I can't do X." My T's response is... you don't feel like doing X, so what is the big deal. I want to say..THE BIG DEAL IS... "I WANT TO BE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE!!! Their all doing X and it seems to come naturally to them, most people would be doing X in this situation, people around me are commenting on the fact that I am NOT DOING X. I try to play along but I can't do it, its not coming naturally to me, so WTF???"

I understand that we are all unique and different and that we should not just blindly follow the masses. I get that. I don't want to be a drone. But I want to be human. And sometimes... I feel like... I'm not.

I just want to be "normal" and I guess no matter how hard my T tries to tell me there is no such thing.... I just cannot accept it. There is a "normal" and for what ever reason.... I cannot seem to achieve it.

Exactly Chaotic.....
How do you learn it? I realize what's "normal" is different to everyone, but I want to feel normal. If thats accepting me just the way I am, I am not willing to do that because I know change is needed. I just don't know how to bring about that change.

I want to be like everyone else to but in my own unique way of course. I want to be able to go into therapy and to cry like other people do. I want to be able to express my emotions. I want to be happy, really happy. I want to LIVE, not just be OK.......I don't want to continue to just go through the motions, I want to FEEL all that comes with them....

Yes.... I understand that there is no such thing as "normal" but there is kind of a range. And I want to be in it or at least feel like I am. This is not about conformity. I do not want to conform, but I do want to change. Yes, when someone is crying and layout out all their emotions towards me... I want to response with something other than a straight calm... " I'm sorry I care about you too, really I do." that seems so empty and fake. I want to feel and Show that I am moved by something good or bad. ... I want to learn how to cry when i am sad.

and when you do, please let me in on the secret I want to be a "real" person rather than feel im just a construct of my imagination

"Norm-al" is not necessarily "grown-up".

P7 don't hold your breathe. LOL. I liked what Hanginon said about not even being able to let the walls down for ourselves. So true. The way I am feeling at the moment. Therapy is going to be a waste this week. I look in the mirror and I see nothing. Just a stone cold empty shell. I think some how I back to square one...

(((((((((((((((((((((chaotic)))))))))))))))))))

You have made SO much progress. I really think there are ebbs and flows to therapy....sometimes we are in a phase of growing and learning and working and exploring....and sometimes we just need to rest. I have times like that - I think I'm in one right now. I feel like "I don't need therapy!" (maybe because T has been on vacation for a week)...like my defense mechanisms are fabulous, and digging is pointless, and it's easier to just kind of be numb.

BUT...I have felt like that before in therapy, and then just as suddenly as it happened, I am ready to do the work again. It's okay to rest for a bit - you've been working really hard.

Hangingon, could this simply be just anxiety because of the unknown??????? Everything sounds like it is unfolding for you as it should.

Sanah,
I am sure anxiety is a big part of it. I like things planned out, I like to know what the expect. No surprises, unfortunately I imagine that's not the way therapy works....

And as far as connection, I have a lot of anxiety towards that, that often equalled pain, and right now, I can't deal with anymore of that.

(((((((((( c13 ))))))))))

when are you going? the wait is the hardest part. I recognize this feeling you describe and I know that when I feel that way, and T comes to the waiting room to get me, she gives me a smile that helps so much. It reminds me that this is a talented, trained, resourceful person who cares and is there to help. Means a lot......
i hope your appt this week goes very well and that you can unwind afterwards. At times it seems that the visits we dread most turn out to be good ones....