[purplemoon]

Hi - it has been a long long time since I have been here. Not sure if anyone remembers me. Anyhow I have been seeing my T for probably 3 years now and I am obsessed with him. I don't know what to do about it. I mean I think about him continually - I am ready to quit therapy - I need to stop this. I don't think I am ready to quit therapy by any means. I have been in crisis the last few weeks - at least that is what T said the last session - our last several sessions have been crisis management - he seemed quite irritated when he said that - but he can bite me! I am also irritated with him and enthralled with him. I have no idea what to do with this. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

[Kiya]

oh good grief!!! =( I can offer hugs, if you like. Personally I can't work with a male T for that very reason. I had that problem with a male physical therapist and was so embarrassed about it too. I felt it did not aide me in my healing at all. Can you be blunt with him and talk it out? Or might you have to work with a female T? Best to you on this!! kiya

[deliquesce]

is he aware of this obsession? maybe that would be a good point to start?

usually for me, if i can identify why i am obsessing over someone, then it lessens its power. so some people i like because they are really intelligent, some people because i think they are 'safe' etc. if i can formulate it into something like - 'i only like you because of x, y, z' then it helps me learn what i am looking for in people, and also helps me see the stuff in the person i don't necessarily like.

i dont know if it'll work for you, but maybe worth a try?

[emilyjeanne]

Welcome back,

I suggest that you talk to your T about this obsession. It sounds like some kind of transference. T's are trained to deal with this stuff.

[3velniai]

A T irritated by the fact that you are in crisis? Something is wrong here... IMO you should tell him that you think he was irritated, that could be a start for conversation about your feelings to him.

[rainbow8]

I know how it feels to be obsessed with your T! I've felt that way about mine, too. I'm a woman and not a lesbian, and my Ts were women, so it doesn't matter if it's a male or female T, in my experience. I always said I was addicted or obsessed with a couple of my Ts, but it is probably more transference than anything else.

I thought about them all the time too, and I know how painful that is. It's like being infatuated with someone, I think. I think it gets confused in therapy because the T can become a parent-substitute, and that part is transference. In addition, Ts are there for us in ways no one else has ever been for us. Bether is right that it's a unique relationship. It's no wonder many of us love our Ts, or "fall in love" with them.

When this happened with my first T, I was too embarrassed to discuss it, so I suffered more. With my most recent T, I told her all about my feelings for her. I was still embarrassed, especially because she's a woman, but it is much better for you to tell than keep it inside of you. He won't be surprised or shocked.

I too am concerned at your T's reaction to your needing crisis management. He's not supposed to get irritated. I would definitely discuss how he made you feel by saying that.

As to how to get over the obsession, I am still struggling with that. Maybe by not calling it an obsession, and instead, thinking of it as your way of trying to get your needs met by your T. That's how I started looking at it, and my T helped me see that it wasn't my "fault". I wanted her to be everything to me, but of course she couldn't be. I had to accept reality, that my fantasies about her were just that--fantasies.

I haven't seen her for over 3 months now, and I think about her very often. But now I can visualize her clearly, think what she would say to me, and not feel that urgency to contact her. I can soothe myself by thinking about her. But this happened very slowly. You are not ready to terminate therapy, so I think you need to discuss your feelings with your T. I know it is the hardest thing to tell your T how you feel about him, but it's an important part of therapy.

I think that if you feel this way about this T, seeing another one would not be any different, whether it's a woman or a man. I could be wrong, but I don't think it really has to do with male/female relationships, but more to do with basic unmet needs.