[hangingon]

I want to start by saying that I am so impressed by how much some of you are able to share with your T. I am impressed by the relationships you have with them. Somehow I feel like that will never happen with me even though my T is wonderful. It’s all me because I can’t let her in.

I shared something really hard with her this week, I told her what my older brother had done to me. I held back the emotions with everything I had so that I wouldn’t break down, there were very few tears. In my head, I kept telling myself it was no big deal. That it happens to lots of people. I find myself doing this a lot, it protects me (or so I think), because it allows me to continue to move forward.

I continue to pretend my life was ok, my T tells me otherwise. She tries to get me to acknowledge what was done to me but I still can’t accept it for what it was. If I do, I feel like my whole world will crumble. That I will drown in all the emotions it entails. That if I tap into that anger or sadness, it will consume me.

Sometimes I wonder why it is that I have to accept what happened. I have built these walls and they have kept me safe. Why tear them down? The thought of them crumbling frightens me. What will my life be like, who will I become? Will I even make it? ….Will I even make it?

I have this loneliness, something I have felt for a long time because no one knew; I couldn’t let anyone know because of the disgust, the embarrassment. What would they think of me? My T says I was just a child, there was nothing I could do but I feel there was something, something I could have done that I hadn’t tried… something.

The loneliness is getting stronger, not better but stronger since I have started therapy. I’m afraid I can’t stop what is happening to me. Sometimes I want to go back…. to go back to no one ever knowing. To go back to the safe little world I had created for myself. I’m afraid of what’s ahead. I am afraid that I will carry on like this alone because there is no way I can tell my T. I have to keep it together, what would my world be like if I didn’t do that? I need to keep what I have fought so hard for. I can’t let anyone near that…..I can’t risk losing it……

[out2009]

Hangingon,

Since you shared something that was very hard for you, that's great progress. Especially because it's so hard to get the words to come out of our mouthes. Just remember your sharing with your T things that stay confidential. Maybe think of it that your not alone now, because you are sharing things with her.

Out2009

[splitimage]

Hangingon,

I can really relate to your fear of losing control. I was the same way for years. It took me years to really trust my T and even now I put up lots of barriers with other people. I kept telling myself what happened wasn't that bad and to just get on with life. It's a self defence mechanism. I wouldn't let anybody get close to me. As a result I was lonely, miserable, and really screwed up.

I slowly openned up in therapy and learned to trust and to feel my emotions, and while it sometimes felt like they were overwhelming - I always survived them. One thing my T keeps reminding me of, is whatever happened you've already survived it once, you can survive remembering it / feeling it again. I won't say it was easier, in fact there was a period in therapy where I felt I was getting worse instead of better, but I made it through it. therapy along with AA (I also am an alcoholic) showed me how to trust people, how to reach out for help, and how to let people in. I'm still sometimes lonely, but now I don't have to reach for a razor blade or a bottle to fix it, I have people I can call.

I've been in therapy for over a decade, and it's still hard, but I'm loads more open than I've ever been and more content with life than I've ever been.

Your T can help you with coming up with dealing with ways of handling the emotions so that they don't completely overwhelm you.

Good luck and remember to take care of yourself.

--splitimage

[chaotic13]

Originally Posted by hangingon

In my head, I kept telling myself it was no big deal. That it happens to lots of people.

I do this a lot too. The day I brought my whole self to therapy I realized that I went back to this mode when I felt the stabbing pain in my solar plexus. It was kind of a away for me to distance myself from feeling the pain.

She tries to get me to acknowledge what was done to me but I still can’t accept it for what it was.

Mine too. In my case she says I need to feel and remember what really happened/what it was really like for that child. Otherwise I will continue to blame her and hold her responsible. Although I did not stay connected to the pain that day... I think I got the drift. Since that day it has been difficult to call myself evil and to say that I deserved what I got.

I’m afraid I can’t stop what is happening to me. Sometimes I want to go back…. to go back to no one ever knowing.

I've wanted this too. Someone here told me... unfortunately once you see the truth you cannot got back to the safety of ignorance.

I can’t risk losing it……

I think this way a lot. I have this assumption that to deal with my "stuff" I have to eventually breakdown and totally lose it. I have to give up all self control or something. Have you ever asked yourself...why do we think this? I have. My T has never said..."to deal with this issue you need to finally break down and cry or whatever." In fact she simply said you need to acknowledge what happened and relieve that child of all the guilt and suffering. It is me who envisions this process as having to have a total meltdown.

IDK.... Hanginon I guess I am asking... how do you envision relieving your child of disgusting guilty shameful image?

[srose]

Hey Hanginon,

I really relate to your fear of losing control. When you have experienced a trauma, especially when young, you learn to control your environment and this mean a lack of trust for most people. My T keeps asking me what do you think the worst will happen if I get angry or lose control? I have no answer. I don't even want to think about it. When I tell people how I was treated (abused..abandoned, etc) by my parents, everyone gets really angry..except me. I can't even feel anything and have dissociated those feelings and some memories.

I also wonder why I need to "go there" and almost wish I never sought counseling because it is hard work and scary. All I know now is that it is a slow process..sometimes so slow that it is frustrating. I am learning that I can handle only so much at a time and when the anxiety creeps up, I know I need to take a step back for a breather.

It sounds like you are making big time progress by sharing with your T about your brother..and that you are giving your T a bit of trust. You at least were able to tell her and that is a big step. Please give yourself time and credit for trying to heal yourself. It may take years before you can trust your T, but sometimes it sneaks up on you a bit and it can be worth it to take a risk. From reading the posts, you have many friends on PC..that helps with keeping the loneliness at bay.

[lifelesstraveled]

(((((hangingon)))))

It's so so hard to open up to T. I read a lot of the posts here and see how open a lot of people are and wonder why it's so hard for me to just lay things out on the table with her.We actually just had a discussion about this at my last appt. You are not the only one who struggles with this, i promise

Sometimes I wonder why it is that I have to accept what happened. I have built these walls and they have kept me safe. Why tear them down? The thought of them crumbling frightens me. What will my life be like, who will I become? Will I even make it? ….Will I even make it?

Are you content on where you are in your life? the loneliness? I have read past posts and you feel like you are two people sometimes...i have this feeling too and it's EXHAUSTING. T asks me doesnt it get exhausting having been doing this for so long. I told her no, it is what it is. 20 years in the making, but it is very much tiring. and i feel like this creates the loneliness as well, on top of other things. I feel like (this is not speaking from experience) that if you accept the past for what it is, talk about it over and over until it holds no power over you, you won't be as lonely it will still be a part of your life but it won't make your life. the walls we've built keep us safe, but also keep us lonely at the same time because we don't let anyone in (this might be a bit of ramble and I am not sure if it makes sense. I just woke up from the worst nap in history) for me i imagine life without the walls as a life of acceptance, love, unlonely, honesty, being able to be your true self and full of colorful cupcakes with sprinkles. You will make it....

[hangingon]

OMG....I wrote something to all of you and LOST it all, UGH....how frustrating....It just disappeared when I went to send it.......ugh ugh ugh.... I can't even remember what I said to all of you to rewrite it......Breath lol just breath...

[hangingon]

Anyways, you have all shared some great thoughts with me. So many things that I can relate to, and also so many things to think about as well.

I know I need to be patient with myself and the process. And most importantly something my T has been wanting me to work on as well is learning how to be less critical of myself. I tend pick myself apart.

My T sent me a great email today in response to one I sent her yesterday about not being able to connect emotions to what happened. She mentioned these two lines in it and they made alot of sense to me. "You feel and act as you do for extremely crucial reasons- your survival. When you can begin to accept the reality of your abuse, that you were a victim of so much, you will move forward with your feelings."

I realize thats what I need to do; now I have just to convince myself it's not as scary as I tell myself it is. Goes with what you mentioned Chaotic

Thank you all again for your shared experiences and kind words. I really, really appreciate it .

[MissCharlotte]

((Hanginon))

I think you are so brave!

The loneliness is getting stronger, not better but stronger since I have started therapy.

This happened to me too! I never knew I was lonely until I went to therapy. I have faced this empty spot inside of me and it's such a sad, solitary feeling. Maybe we can be lonely together!

Sometimes I want to go back…

Yeah--me too, but the wayback machine is broken and we are now the new and improved version.

[hangingon]

MissC
I didn't realize how lonely I was till I started therapy either; only I feel it has progressed since I have started, which is strange seeing I do finally have someone that I can talk to about this stuff.

I wish you didn't have to be lonely, but I will join you

What... no back to the past machine, how can that be
I hope it gets better, I hope it gets better, I hope it gets better....maybe my red shiny shoes will work....

[del12]

Originally Posted by hangingon

MissC
I didn't realize how lonely I was till I started therapy either; only I feel it has progressed since I have started, which is strange seeing I do finally have someone that I can talk to about this stuff.

I wish you didn't have to be lonely, but I will join you

What... no back to the past machine, how can that be
I hope it gets better, I hope it gets better, I hope it gets better....maybe my red shiny shoes will work....

I will join you too. This is what I love about this site and all of you: It seems whenever I have doubts about therapy or wonder why I feel the way I do someone shares their fears and thoughts about therapy and I realize others have the same thoughts fears doubts and questions I do and then someone else will post a very meaningful reply and that makes me feel so much more okay! All I can say I feel blessed to have such a supportive place to go to when I am feeling lost. God Bless you all and thank you!
There are many times I wish the Back to the Past machine worked because the going forward machine is scary as hell and I too am scared to lose control and what might come out and to realize even though I have a busy life there is a protective wall around me at all times even with my closest friends. I am just not ready to start tearing it down. You are not alone and we are here for you!

[hangingon]

Aw... thank you Del,
It's nice to know we are not alone, even though it feels like that alot. Sending you safe hugs

And I agree, coming here has brought relief at the best needed times it's nice to have people who have been there or who are there with us, and who understand.

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by chaotic13

Mine too. In my case she says I need to feel and remember what really happened/what it was really like for that child.

Hangingon and chaotic....I have often felt we think alike on some stuff, and this is another thing. While my stuff isn't abuse, or anything nearly as sad as what you guys have gone through, I'm struggling through the same kind of feelings. I have told my T some stuff about how my mom reacted when I came to her whenever I was upset. It was less than ideal. BUT, there are only a few instances from my childhood that I remember, and I don't feel angry/upset about what happened. That was just how it was, and its not like I am crying about having some sort of unmet needs as my T seems to think. She also told me that I have to feel these feelings in order to move forward, but I honestly do not feel upset about them! I cant force myself.

I also have experience increasing loneliness since starting therapy. In my case, it is slowly getting harder and harder for me to pretend that the stuff that I fill my life with is really just...filler. I do have a roommate, who probably has kept me sane these past 5 years that I have an awesome relationship with, and some really awesome friends from college. But, I know if I didn't live with my roommate, I would quickly fall prey to the loneliness that I know deep down that I have.

Yet, it is MY fault I am!! I am the one who isolates myself. I am the one who doesnt' go out and meet people. I am the one who shuts myself off from my family. It is me. I have no one to blame but me...and I can't get around that. I can't get around that my childhood was FINE, that I didn't need to go to my parents when I was upset. I had friends. Now that all my friends have grown up, are getting married, having kids....I am left by the wayside.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((Hangingon)))))))))))))))))))))))))
(((((((((((((((((((((Everyone!))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I know that loneliness that we didn't know was there until we started therapy. It is such a sad and painful feeling.

My therapy over the past 18 months has been really intense work, twice a week. Things got a LOT worse before they started to get better. A LOT. My T said that is part of the process, and that it is awful and it sucks that it has to be that way, but that we would find our way back to a happier place. It was hard to believe him when I was on my way DOWN during the first many, many months of therapy.

BUT! Things ARE brighter now. Some things in my life are easier, and happier, and WAY better than they were before I started therapy. I was raped when I was 19, and that haunted me for years and years and years and after finally telling T about it and facing how horrific it really was, and really talking about it and feeling it, I honestly can say I am over it now. I still wish it didn't happen....but I don't have to use all of my energy fighting it. It doesn't have power over me anymore. The experience of working through that - in bits and pieces, over many, many months of therapy - has given me hope that I can work through the horrible, scary, awful muck of my childhood and IT will lose it's grip on me too. I have HOPE. It's still scary, and it still makes me sick to think about going through the process of working on it in therapy...and it's kind of sent me back on a downward slide to have to start talking about it...but having the experience of really recovering from that one traumatic experience makes me believe that recovering from the other stuff is possible. Someday!

The other thing that has changed for the better since starting therapy is that by slowly taking down my walls and letting T in....and finding love and gentleness and caring and acceptance instead of anger and meanness and pain...I've learned what it feels like to be loved and cared for. I didn't get that as a child, and I never believed it was possible. I NEVER believed my H loved me, EVER...and now I truly believe that he does. I just wasn't open to his love before. What a huge gift it is to discover someone who loves me right here under my nose!

I understand the fear of losing control. I can't tell you how strong that fear was for me...I thought if I cried, I would cry FOREVER, but I didn't. I was positive that if I tapped into my anger, there would be so much anger that the WORLD would blow up (lol - I haven't tapped into it very much, so I'll keep you posted on that one). It's scary to have feelings when we've gone through our lives being numb to protect ourselves....but I realized early in therapy that when I numbed my feelings, I numbed ALL OF THEM...I couldn't pick and choose. So I wasn't angry or sad, but I wasn't joyful either. I was just kind of...."fine". Life is more colorful now. There's more pain, but there's more laughter too.

Whew! This is LONG! But I guess I just want you to know that I could have written any of your posts a year ago, and things feel so different now. It's a more vulnerable feeling, but it's also a more ALIVE feeling. I don't know if I'm happy more than I'm sad yet...but I think I will get there. I think we ALL will, because everyone here works so hard...

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by treehouse

So I wasn't angry or sad, but I wasn't joyful either. I was just kind of...."fine". Life is more colorful now. There's more pain, but there's more laughter too.

This is EXACTLY how I feel. I have been like this so long, that I don't remember any other way. I do get happy/excited for things, but I have a feeling it isn't as intense as it could be. But, i don't know....

[phoenix7]

Velcro - you may be doing this to yourself but its not fault ok

we learn to cut ourselves off from everyone because thats the safest option - and the unlearning cna be just as painful as the learning .. sigh.. and seems or feels it takes just as long.... and the unending loneliness that accompanies our isolation brings us is like a deep dark hole tha has no end to it - we realise our lives were as has been said - filled with filler and not real things - a cardboard cutout of life

However, with therapy and a whole lot of hard work as Treehouse says - things can get better - and we have to hold onto that - take care everyone

[chaotic13]

Originally Posted by velcro003

I do get happy/excited for things, but I have a feeling it isn't as intense as it could be. But, i don't know..

ME TOO. I'm OK, I have what I need. If by chance I get a little extra "great", if I have a little less, I just go without. I get stressed out over things.
I find myself whinning that things are hopeless but I always seem to move on (not necessarily forward). In some ways I think this is a good quality. But underneath there is a sense that I am really missing life. I'm missing the joy and passion that others SEEM to have. It is like my pattern of regulating myself and maintaing control protects me from instability, but also from experiencing life.

[chaotic13]

Do you ever think maybe the intensity that others SEEM to have is just in our heads? Is it just wishful thinking on our part? Maybe what we are feeling is all there really is and we just can't accept it? THIS IS LIFE it doesn't get any more vivid, any more joyous, or anymore horrid for that matter than it is right now. This is it...so enjoy what you can.....

IDK, I can't get myself to accept this. I want something more! I just don't know how to GET it.

Honestly, I don't feel like I am afraid to loose control anymore. I've proven again and again I can handle any fallout that comes my way. I think I just simply don't know HOW to loose control.

Maybe drugs are needed to loosen my **** sphinters.LOL

[chaotic13]

Boy, it looks like PC needs a life enema too. Can't even get anatomical terms past the censors. I'm not even that much of a tight ***. LOL

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by hangingon

Courage is not the absence of fear but the ability to look fear in the eyes

Well, out of the corners of our eyes, anyway. You seem to be doing a pretty good job of it, I think.

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by chaotic13

Do you ever think maybe the intensity that others SEEM to have is just in our heads? Is it just wishful thinking on our part? Maybe what we are feeling is all there really is and we just can't accept it? THIS IS LIFE it doesn't get any more vivid, any more joyous, or anymore horrid for that matter than it is right now. This is it...so enjoy what you can.....

IDK, I can't get myself to accept this. I want something more! I just don't know how to GET it.

Honestly, I don't feel like I am afraid to loose control anymore. I've proven again and again I can handle any fallout that comes my way. I think I just simply don't know HOW to loose control.

Maybe drugs are needed to loosen my **** sphinters.LOL

hahaha. YES, I DO feel the same way as you, chaotic. That this is just how it is, how i am! That I am just being melodramatic, that nothing really hasn't been bad. I can't accept it either. Its hard!

[hangingon]

Originally Posted by velcro003

Yet, it is MY fault I am!! I am the one who isolates myself. I am the one who doesnt' go out and meet people. I am the one who shuts myself off from my family. It is me. I have no one to blame but me...and I can't get around that. I can't get around that my childhood was FINE, that I didn't need to go to my parents when I was upset. I had friends. Now that all my friends have grown up, are getting married, having kids....I am left by the wayside.

Velcro,
You have no idea how many times I have said that, including to my counselor. She told me it's not my fault that I am this way, there are very good reasons why I am. I said, yeh, but I can reach out, its just often I choose not to.
I can so relate to feeling left in the dust. It's not like I haven't tried, I just can't really get close to people, and believe me, it's not like I like living this way either, it can get very lonely. I just don't quite know how to change it, which is one of the big reasons I am in therapy.

Maybe a couple years from now we will have new progress the share

[hangingon]

Originally Posted by chaotic13

Honestly, I don't feel like I am afraid to loose control anymore. I've proven again and again I can handle any fallout that comes my way. I think I just simply don't know HOW to loose control.

Maybe drugs are needed to loosen my **** sphinters.LOL

LOL Chaotic,
In reality, I have not lost it my whole life. I have made my way through everything, most often alone.
Including a fews years of agoraphobia as a young teenager. My parents never took me to counseling, never had me put on meds, nothing. I ended up slowly desensitizing myself to those fears by taking baby steps in doing the things I feared most because I had no one else to help me through that. I just couldn't take living like that anymore.
My parents, chocked it off as me being rediculous, they had no idea how much I really struggled that time in my life. It's one of those seasons I never ever want to go back to.

Now I find it very difficult the let the walls down to someone who is actually willing to help me. Heck, I can't even let them down for myself.

Meds lol do they work....maybe I need me some of those

[chaotic13]

Do you ever feel like saying. That's great that I have good reasons for turning out the way I am. I is great that you understand it but others don't. And I don't want to be like I am! I want to change but can't.

[hangingon]

Tree,
Thank you for your long thoughtout response.
I appreciate you sharing your experience. It's nice to see someone who has gone a bit down the road and has made progress. It gives me something to look forward to.

Phoenix,
Thank you for your words as well. I realize I do alot of what I do because of just that "thats its the safest option", at least in my head anyways.
Holding on to therapy getting better. At this point, I don't have too many other options, it's already out on the table.

Pachy,
LOL.....maybe I should remove that avitar; as I really am quite wimpy in that aspect. I can't even look my T in the eye when I am talking lol. I can do it when she is talking, but only if it's not something too intense.

Velcro,
I am sorry you are in the same boat. It can be very lonely, Here's to future progress lol. I hope that will do , couldn't find a wine glass anywhere.....