[my3sns]

So today i saw my T and to be honest i dont really know what to make of the session. I would have thought it was a pretty good session myself , but something T said at the end leaves me wondering if she just thought it was a waste of her time. Let me start over ...
I went into T this afternoon without much in the way of expectations of either her or myself . I didnt write out anything i wanted to say , or spend the whole week going over how things could possibly go , like i normally do.
Anyway after a minute or two of chit chat , T asked me how things have been going .. something along those lines. And i told her that i felt i owed her an apology, from last week . She asked me why and i told her that i felt that i was mean to her last session. What happened last session was .. i was pretty upset and crying a little , and T offered me her hand to hold . I told her "no, it wasnt real ", and to just keep it to herself. After a few seconds she still had her hand there offering to let me hold it but not saying anything more, so i reached over and brushed it away. ( more often than not i do hold her hand ) Anyway when i recounted this today, T said something like ... well i dont even remember that. UGH !!! It felt so big to me , since i normally wouldnt tell her what i was actually feeling in the moment like that . She didnt even notice that I DID say what i was feeling at the same time i felt it ! She didnt have to ask me 10 times " what are you feeling ?", Or "whats going through your head?" And she didnt even remember the interaction ! Then to make matters a little worse today when we talked about this , she said something like "well your right its not real". What is that supposed to mean ? After hearing that i felt devastated, she may as well have said ... i really dont give a rats behind about you . Why couldnt she just say " it is real , i care about you "? Whatever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Then at the end of the session she said something that just kind of pissed me off . I had said probably 2 times at this point , that i had avoided thinking about anything to do with that room all this past week. Then she says " did you plan on coming here today and just rambling?" Well first of all i didnt plan anything , didnt you hear me say that i didnt think about anything having to do with this room all week? And what do you mean that i did nothing , but ramble ? I talked a lot about my mom and things that happened when i was a kid , with her. I told T about ways that i acted in order to get attention when i was a kid , heck even now for that matter. And talked about how i felt hurt by things my mom does and did .
( according to webster )
Ramble...1 a: to move aimlessly from place to place b: to explore idly
2: to talk or write in a desultory or long-winded wandering fashion.

Gee why would she call what i said rambling .. all of it was related to my mom . Hell maybe i was just talking in a code that im the only one who knows how to decode . It all made perfect sense to me and didnt feel aimless.
Sometimes i just dont know about this therapy stuff! Why doesnt she just give up on me and send me packing ?

[ECHOES]

ugh, this is one of those sessions that you just have to talk about next time. It sounds so painful, but it is rich with good things to talk about. Tell her all that you wrote here.

[del12]

My 3sns
I am so sorry your session ended that way. I sometimes leave therapy feeling like my T just is going through the motions and could give a rats behind and would probably love it if I would quit. Then I go home thinking what a screw up I am I can't even do therapy the right way. I am coming to realize that is my lack of self esteem and that I feel all my life's problems are because of me. It doesn't sound like your T was very considerate of you and that stinks.
As my T tells me there are times when we will connect and focus and there are times when therapy may be all over the place and that is okay. We are all on our own time line and things just can't be forced. That's just the way it is and it is the T's responsiblity to work with what the client is able to give that day. That made me feel a lot better about those times I struggle with expressing my needs. Hang in there and if you can maybe bringing up how you felt last session will help. Your T's reaction to you bringing it up may tell you whether she really is there for you.

[ECHOES]

deli