[del12]

I have been so worried about rejection from my T the last (well forever). THis past week I actually brought up my fears to my T and how I was waiting to be terminated. My T was so gentle and caring and real when responding to my fears of being terminated and my T acutally enjoys working with me.
What confused me was my reaction inside. As my T talked I felt myself becoming full of anxiety and that anxiety became very intense and stayed with me the rest of the day. I would think that I would have felt a sense of relief and safe, but I almost couldn't wait to have the session over. The anxiety is gone, but I am still confused as to my reaction. I don't know how I feel about next week.

[Luce]

Sigh. It just isn't fair how we crave acceptance and closeness, but can't tolerate it when we get it, is it?

Do you have disorganized attachment issues at all? Cos... that would explain it. In disorganized attachment we crave acceptance and caring, but when it comes we push it away because it is simply too scary. It's like a child who is abused by a caregiver... they want closeness and caring because they are human, but when the caregiver gives it the child KNOWS the abuse is soon going to follow, thus they withdraw and push away the caregiver in an effort to protect themselves. It is like... the acceptance is as bad as the rejection is.

The good news is, this cycle can be unlearned. It takes a long time... and it takes going through this push-pull cycle with a safe person (hopefully your T) many, many times. Over time hopefully you will learn that you CAN trust your T, and she WON'T hurt you. As trust is built the need to 'push' lessens, and it becomes easier to tolerate acceptance.

In my experience.... knowing what was happening as I repeatedly went through that cycle with my T helped me resolve it more quickly. Instead of getting swept away by those two opposite needs (push and pull) having an observing self be aware of what was happening (and why) allowed me to integrate the two aspects of the experience more easily. it also allowed me to 'talk' myself through it.

Dunno if that makes sense.

[del12]

Yes it makes total sense. Thanks!

[phoenix7]

wanting to know that you are safe with T and then feeling anxious because T has re-assurred you - yep been there - feels dumb doesnt it but its not - when you have been used to being not cared for when someone does its scary - hope you are ok -
sounds like you have a good T

[skeksi]

I have this cycle as well. I feel like over and over, I have to ask (literally or figuratively), Do you care? Am I okay? Are you still there? Will you be there for as long as I need you? And when he answers, I pull away, I defend myself, because I'm afraid he will hurt me. Like Luce said, working through this will help retrain our brains to accept the safety and security our Ts offer.

[del12]

Thanks for validated my feelings. I am doing good today and yes I really think I do have a wonderful T.