[Dancer13]

I have just been caught having a 3 month affair. My husband is of course, very upset and angry. A lot of the affair stems from our unhealthy sex life. My husband has had a very active fantasy life while we have sex. He wants to either be my father or watch me having sex with other people. It even got to the point where he was asking me to give names and even asked once to arrange an actual encounter! He then recanted that request and seemed to feel really bad, but still brought it up in our sex life. He felt so bad about bringing it up for REAL, that he would bug me and bug me about making sure I hadn't really believed him and thought about having an affair. I had already started one by this point though. I think I was rebeling from him and my whole dysfunctinal life. My father did inappropraite things to me and I was raped when I was a young teenager. I also had a boy molest me when I was 4. So, I had sort of a blow up and melt down. We just moved to this foreign country where I had to make all new friends. We lost our church and accountability group, so I was very lost. I made a really bad decision by rebelling with an affair. I am very sorry I ever did it, and have no desire to ever do it again. I realize I am sick and need help. I need to work these things out with therapy. I think My husband does too though. He has his own issues like sexual addiction and pornography addictions. He also just told me he had an incestuous relationship with his sister from age 9-16. Now, I am trying to work things out and I desperatly want to heal our marriage, but he is so angry and really sees his addictions and relationship with his sister very minor compared to the fact that I chose another man over him. I am really at my wit's end. I don't know what else to do. On top of all that, I have been taking Effexor to help with the move over here to a foreign country and a new job. Well, I feel it lowered my inhibitions and made me more apt to rationalize an affair. I am now in the process of getting of the medicine, but it has been really hard. My husband doesn't think it had anything to do with it. Also, he cheated on me right before we got married, so I know how it feels to be betrayed and forgive someone. Still he thinks this is not anywhere equivalent to what I have done. I have now, of course told him the fantasies have to stop, but he is angry at me for not telling him sooner. He said I should have stopped it a long time ago. I know that now, but Ireally never understood that was an option before now. He seems to think I just kept it going so I could use it as a justification for my affair. UGH!!!!! I am so frustrated, I am wanting things to work out, but he doesn't seem to want to get over the anger. Shouldn't I be a little angry too? I know I did wrong, but he really messed with my head, and he knew a lot of my background. I think he was just so addicted to sex, he couldn't stop. What should I do?