[Elysium]

I am soooo confused right now......

My Mom is visiting me for two weeks and she's only been here for one as of tomorrow.

I have a lot of resentment towards my mother for the part she played in my childhood abuse and for not protecting me when I was younger. Since we have been living apart from eachother over the last year and a half, I have grown a lot and became more comfortable setting down boundaries and limits and asking for what I need. Good for me right?

I thought "hey, maybe I'm strong enough to move back to my home State and be around my family. Maybe I am strong enough to handle and cope with the BS they try and pull. Maybe I've moved beyond my anger enough that I can keep myself emotionally in check when things get difficult."

Maybe.......? Can I really afford to do this on a maybe?

I've been looking for work locally for the last 6 months and have had no luck in the State I'm in now. I decided that it would be a good time to pack up and make an inter-state move home because it's easier to find work there and there is more of it, and so I could be closer to my family. Great theory, huh?

Flash forward to today. Haven't moved yet. Mom and I are having lunch in the Red Robin. She starts complaining about my Grandmother and how she behaves and about my Grandma's anxiety. Now, I don't really get along with my Grandma (she was one of my abusers), but I do understand anxiety and how difficult it is to cope with so I decided to try to help my Mom understand by using her own issues as examples. Woah!!! Bad idea. Ultimately, it stirred up my system and my Mother, and even though I was ready to explode in the restaurant I didn't want to cause a scene. Then my mom had to get one more play on me with her guilt trip and invalidation and I swear she sounded exactly like my father does when he denies his abusive actions towards me. At that point I knew...either get up and walk out, or I was going to blow.

So, I looked at her and said "thanks for paying for lunch" and walked out. I started bawling on my way out and was able to make it to my car and find some peace and gain my composure. It took everything I had not to drive away and leave her there, but I knew that wouldn't be appropriate as she was my guest. I started to feel guilty for walking out and leaving her with the bill so I wrote out a check for her and when she finally got to the car I gave it to her. She said she didn't want it....that she was going to pay for lunch anyway. I told her that it wasn't an offer and her only choice was to take it.

On the way home, I felt like maybe she should go home early....like tomorrow and brought it up. Once we got back to my place, I got on-line and looked at prices for switching tickets. It was soooo expensive. She just sat down and started watching TV. The fight continued for a bit, but eventually we just stopped and everything grew quiet. We have been very distant from eachother since.

But now, I just feel numb and I am having difficulty remembering everything that happened today. I know I dissociated through some of it, but I HATE not being able to remember. About 4 months ago, I sent my Mom a book on DID and asked her to read it to help her understand why my behaviors change and I act so different sometimes. She has only read the first 30 pages and (I feel) she hasn't really made an effort to understand me at all. And now all she's doing is throwing my behaviors up in my face and telling me that she doesn't know how to deal with me. I told her, if she would have been more proactive in reading up on the disorder and learning about it, maybe she would have a better understanding. It really makes me angry that she hasn't cared enough to even read about it. I try and give her the benefit of the doubt and say, "well, maybe it makes her feel guilty", or "maybe it scares her", but I have other alters that are stomping their feet and screaming about how she should get to know us and learn about us so she understands...We are soooo hurting right now!!

I'm questioning everything again....what do I do? Now I don't know if moving back to my home State is a good idea. If it's this difficult with her alone, how hard is it going to be with the rest of the family backing her up and leaving me out to dry? I need a job, yes....but I think I need my sanity and emotional well being more. I just don't know how to cut ties.......and there is a huge part of me that still wants my Mommy!!!

I don't like feeling so uncertain about my future. It's really stressing me out. Right now I want to cry and just bawl like a baby but my eyes are as dry as the desert.

I feel like I don't have anyone anymore........

this was so long!!!

[susan888]

(((Elysium)))
I'm so sorry that your Mom isn't supportive of you...Remember that you have to take care of yourself first. Some Mom's don't realize how important they are to their daughters....how much we depend/depended on them to protect us...

My Mom just had to be in denial about the things that happened to me. I guess that was the only way she could deal with life...even at the end, when she was sick, when I asked for answers...The only response I got was "why are you doing this to me". I have a lot of guilt for even asking.

Now that I'm older I can look at her childhood and her life and see that it was very dysfunctional and she probably did her best for me...It hasn't been easy to understand and a large part of me will never understand now that I am a mother/grandmother myself...

Be good to yourself sweetie and don't put yourself in situations that you feel you might not be able to deal with yet.