[Rose3]

There is someone who keeps inviting me, or showing up at my door
wanting my company (but at late or early hours - uninvited by me).
My words seem to go unnoticed.
When I speak of how our lifestyles differ, this person says that I am
arguing. (I'm not arguing, but I am being straightforward, and not
really understood).
What are some acceptable reasons for being unavailable that I can
use, so that the person doesn't get offended. I can only speak of
myself.
The person is paranoid. I don't want to make things seem worse.
But I also have to stick to some limits/boundaries before this kind of
disturbance worsens. I seem to provide some comfort and friendship.

This person was becoming frustrated, irritable, etc. yesterday.

What are some ideas that I can put on my email auto-reply that will
provide acceptable reasons/excuses for my being unavailable. I don't
want to be unfriendly. I don't want to sound critical at all. Every
word must be carefully selected, or it be taken personally. No need
to hurt anybody's feelings.

[marjan]

wow....who is this person? do you like him or her? Is it a prospect partner?
you are not really clear at all...
I would tell him that I would appreciate a short notice before getting to my home and I would tell him in a good manner....
You don't have to have people at your place when you don't want them!

[NuckingFutz]

being unavailable is a reason in itself for being unavailable. You have already set your boundry. How he chooses to deal with that is up to him. I know you want to find a nice way of doing this that is acceptable to him...i do not think there is one. You may have to block his emails and not answer the door until he figures out what unavailable means. You are already walking on eggshells with excuses. I have been on both sides of the situation and have not found the magic answer yet. I know how frustrating this can be. Sending you a safe cyber hug.

[Peppermint_Patty]

Hi Rose,

Originally Posted by Rose3

There is someone who keeps inviting me, or showing up at my door wanting my company (but at late or early hours - uninvited by me). What are some acceptable reasons for being unavailable that I can use, so that the person doesn't get offended.

There's a really good book on being assertive. It's titled, "When I say No, I Feel Guilty". It's an old book but it's one of the very best out there on the topic.

Anyway... IMHO, you don't need to provide this person with a reason, because they will just try to talk you out of your line of thinking or try to come up with an alternative time/date, etc.

What you need to do is practice the broken record technique. Like this:

Them: So Rose... how about we get together for coffee on Thursday?

You: Sorry I am not interested.

Them: Well how about Friday?

You: No, I am not interested.

Them: Well... would you like to go to dinner then on Saturday?

You: No, I am not interested.

Them: Why not?

You: I don't know... it's just how I feel. I am not interested.

Them: Don't you like me?

You: I don't know... but I do know is that I am not interested in hanging out.

Them: You must not like me then.

You: I don't know. I'm just not interested in hanging out. (Shuts door, Ends IM conversation, Logs out of e-mail, etc).

Anyway... you get the picture. Keep using the broken record and they will eventually back off.

Also if and when they ask you "Why", just say, "I don't know" or "It's how I feel." You do not need provide any more explanation than that.

Good Luck,

Peppermint Patty

P.S. If they still don't back off, or start acting strangely in a violent sort of way, you may want to make a call to the police.

[marjan]

Originally Posted by Peppermint_Patty

Hi Rose,


There's a really good book on being assertive. It's titled, "When I say No, I Feel Guilty". It's an old book but it's one of the very best out there on the topic.

Anyway... IMHO, you don't need to provide this person with a reason, because they will just try to talk you out of your line of thinking or try to come up with an alternative time/date, etc.

What you need to do is practice the broken record technique. Like this:

Them: So Rose... how about we get together for coffee on Thursday?

You: Sorry I am not interested.

Them: Well how about Friday?

You: No, I am not interested.

Them: Well... would you like to go to dinner then on Saturday?

You: No, I am not interested.

Them: Why not?

You: I don't know... it's just how I feel. I am not interested.

Them: Don't you like me?

You: I don't know... but I do know is that I am not interested in hanging out.

Them: You must not like me then.

You: I don't know. I'm just not interested in hanging out. (Shuts door, Ends IM conversation, Logs out of e-mail, etc).

Anyway... you get the picture. Keep using the broken record and they will eventually back off.

Also if and when they ask you "Why", just say, "I don't know" or "It's how I feel." You do not need provide any more explanation than that.

Good Luck,

Peppermint Patty

P.S. If they still don't back off, or start acting strangely in a violent sort of way, you may want to make a call to the police.

OMG....this is more passive-agressive behaviour than assertive behaviour!

[Peppermint_Patty]

Hi Marjan

Originally Posted by marjan

OMG....this is more passive-agressive behaviour than assertive behaviour!

How is this passive-aggressive behaviour?

It's just setting good solid boundaries. A person does not need to provide any explanation whatsoever when it comes to saying "No".

"No." is a complete sentence, lol. "No" doesn't need to be followed with "because...."