[brokenhalf]

Ok so my wife of almost 4 years recently admiting to cheating on me. She did not come to me about this, its something I had to ask her about and then she broke down and told me. She has had a history of telling me lie after lie after lie about almost anything. Little things, big things ... it doesnt matter. When we met she was going thru a lot of emotional issues. Hated the way she looked, came from an abusive home, low self esteem and low self confidence. I stood beside her and did everything I could to "bring her out of this hole". Since then she has really improved and has grown alot. Last year I was in an accident that has since put me in a wheelchair, not being able to work etc. For the most part my spirit has been up and I have been able to continue with life. I know that I am showing signs of PTSD but I have tried to keep them under control esspecialy around her.
She has a job that she loves, loves dearly. This job puts her in the community helping people so they will no longer have to go thru life like she did earlier in life. This job also requires long hours, sometimes not getting home at night until 7-9pm, she has to go to peoples houses to councel them sometimes after work. Some of her home visits have to be done during the day so she may be gone from her office for 3 hrs. or so at a time. I recently found out that she cheated on me with a guy that kinda works with her. Her job is in a very small town that this guy also works in and he attends some community meetings that her job is affiliated with. She does not see him everyday and claims that she has not seen him in the past month and a half since I found out about this. With her job being so skattered in times that she is away from the office, its hard for me to trust that she isnt seeing him or someone else. The opportunity is there and she has proven to have the willingness to do such a thing.
Call me crazy but I still love this woman. I want my wife back. She has left our home because I told her that I can not move on with us and attempt to get past this until she leaves this job. The things is, she tells me she cant leave her job. Its almost like she has chosen the job over our life. She claims that she loves me and wants to be home with me that she still wants to be married to me. I have even told her if she doesnt leave her job lets go ahead with papers to start a divorce. She has said over and over she does not want to do this. She wants to be with me and she loves me. She swears she will never see this guy or do anything like this again. I have always heard during an affair you have to make sure that all contact between the two have to be cut off. I dont think this will happen if she stays at her job. Also, my thoughts, if you have done something this horrid to your husband and you really want him back, wouldnt you, shouldnt you want to do anything to fix it. Even if it means leaving your dream job?
Sorry for the long post. There is still so much I want to say but I will follow up later. Help me out here people. If my thought prossess is wrong please let me know. I am loosing my mind here. I love my wife.

[sweetypie]

hi . .. i am so sorry you are going through this - it's such a painful situation hon.

first, i would ask if you've brought up the possibility of couples counseling with your wife. from my personal experience, this will only work if both people are interested in making things work in the marriage. ((however, if you read some material on the internet, written BY couples counselors, therapy can be effective even if only one party is interested in staying in the marriage)) so it may be a good idea to persuade her to go to a couples counselor, if she will.
since she in a helping profession, she may already understand the benefits of a good therapist/counselor, so you may have good luck in getting her to go.

and. . . . even if she won't go - i would suggest you go alone. you need some support in dealing with this very difficult situation, and you're already suffering, it appears, with some PTSD and you're in a hugely tough place in your personal life, aside from your marriage problems.

a counselor could also help address the best ways to get past an affair - you are right to ask for her to cut off all contact with the man she was seeing, and it's possible she could ask for a job transfer or a change in schedule so that she could avoid crossing paths with this man. but a third party could help the two of you talk without the heated emotion - instead cutting through to the task of what to do, to get over the affair.

just a thought - perhaps your wife is not choosing her job over you, perhaps she is afraid of not finding a job that is as good, in our present economical condition, perhaps it is a comfort zone for her; starting over is really difficult. and it is possible that she is sincere, but wants her life to go back to the way it was - before the affair - unchanged.

this is probably not possible. that is why i think you both (or at least just you) definitely need to see a good marriage counselor, because this is one of the toughest tests for a marriage
i wish you the best hon . . .

[jerrymichele]

I would be the same way as you. I also agree with what sweetypie says. I have really bad trust issues so, if my bf went back to work at the same place I don't think that our relationship would last. Keep posting so we know how you are.