[Donna_N]

Hi, I’m Donna
I've had emotional problems sense my very early teens if not before, but I have loving parents, not that they have always approved of the direction I have taken so far in life. But they provide me love and safety, and don't pressure me to move on with my life faster than I feel comfortable with.
I'm 20, still live at home, could easily move out not that I could afford to on what I make with my part time job, but my parents would help me financially. But I don't think I could deal with being on my own, and moving in with someone else, would be a good idea, tiny disagreements would lead to larger ones, and I just know that at best I would have an emotional meltdown.
I recently broke up with a woman I had been seeing for a bit over a year, I wouldn't conceder myself a lesbian, not 100%, I have dated boys, and my first sexual encounter was with an older man, but at the moment I have no serious interest in men, especially ones in my age range.
Gina (my now e-girlfriend) is basically good person, and I’m not going to say anything bad about her. We had a fundamental problem with communication, and it’s only on one issue but one we couldn’t seem to get past, and to be honest while I do love her I have never seen her as the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. But I do believe I could live and grow old completely happy living with another woman, this of course assumes it’s the right woman. As I mentioned before I live at home and at age 20 follow my parents set of rules, well more of guidelines, and I don’t have a problem with this. Gina used to fight with her parents all the time and just doesn’t get why I, especially at my age, would even conceder generally going along with my parents set of rules.
Gina failed to see how understanding my parents really are, especially about my sexuality, I have dated both men and women, but the only relationships that lasted for more than a month were with women. My dad seriously dislikes me dating women, but when he heard about Gina and I breaking up yet again (third and likely final breakup), he took me into his arms, giving me a hug that showed he understood my pain. And I know going forward he will not try to steer me to even consider dating a man. My mom is more supportive but I know she would prefer me to live a more traditional lifestyle, but it is clear her overwhelming concern is seeing me happy. What Gina can’t understand is that I’m gratefully for my parents “interference” (her word not mine) in my life. Without some sort of structure I am nearly certain I would quickly spiral into emotional instability. Gina feels (and maybe she is correct) real progress forward can’t be made without taking some risks. My view of things is that I do take risks, though they are very small, gradual ones.


In some ways I’m a bit of ashamed that I’m taking the easy way out, metaphorically hiding under my bed instead of acting like the adult I’m supposed to be. I know my family worries about me, earlier this summer my aunt and I had a long talk, in tears she told me she was so afraid I was going to do something self-destructive, something I have attempted twice in the past.

This would make some people shy away from me, and those are people I don’t want to have in my life. For others they would see someone who has issues, but wouldn’t let that fact push them away.
Don’t worry I’m not about to make another attempt on my life just to make some sort of visible statement to the world.
I go to college part time, I work part time, I try to push myself just to the edge of my comfort level, it the hope that by gently pushing on the borders my comfort zone will grow, I know my approach will take time, likely years. I do know that the end of my relationship with Gina makes me much more vulnerable to giving into feelings I have been trying to suppress, or end up in a truly dysfunctional or abusive relationship. Having to face the prospect of going through what for me is a painful process of beging the dating process again is more than a bit frightening.


So it hasn’t been the best week or so of my life, rapidly shifting emotions, depression, fear, loneliness, abandonment, anger and far too many tears. I have been doing my best to move on, and overall having been doing a fairly decent job at it. I have been going to my classes, going to work, though my mom and aunt have until today been splitting up the chore of driving me around as needed. Seems people tend to worry a bit about having me in control of a large hunk of metal and glass when I’m considerably more depressed than usual.



I don’t really like driving so I didn’t try to argue with them about their overreaction.

Today was the first time I drove myself anyplace, class then work. The thing I hate about driving is at least for me my mind tends to wander and one moment I’m getting in the car, then the next moment I’m parking my car, without a clear memory of how I got there (I wonder how unusual that is?).



Unfortunately, I’m still in a fairly bad place (emotionally speaking that is) today, but it’s better place than where I was yesterday. And with some luck tomorrow it won’t be any worse than today is, hey it might even be a bit better (hey anything is possible).

Please feel free to make comments, recommendations, advice, I could use it all.


Thanks for taking the time to read this

[jerrymichele]

Welcome to pc. IMO when you end a relationship with anyone it will be painful. Personally I think that it's really good that you have such a close bond with your family. If you feel that you are having a really hard time dealing with your emotions, than maybe you should go to therapy.

[Donna_N]

jerrymichele, you are right any relationship falling apart is painful, Gina is probably in a bit of pain herself. And without my family’s support, things would be much worse on a plethora of levels.
Therapy, I have been in therapy off and on sense I was 14, though I’m not currently seeing anyone. Depending on how the next few weeks go it might be time to start again.