[kjetterman]

I have a family member (my mil), who always offers up things and then when we take her up on it (which is not all of the time and when we don't she acts unhappy that we didn't), she acts unhappy about it the fact that we accepted it....

So my question...

Why do people offer things they really don't want to offer? Just to be nice? To save face? Because they think it's the "right" thing to do in society?

And when you find out (or figure out through body language and tone of voice) that they really didn't want to offer it up in the first place; do you feel guilty for accepting the offer? How does one handle something like this?

[VickiesPath]

Originally Posted by kjetterman

I have a family member (my mil), who always offers up things and then when we take her up on it (which is not all of the time and when we don't she acts unhappy that we didn't), she acts unhappy about it the fact that we accepted it....

So my question...

Why do people offer things they really don't want to offer? Just to be nice? To save face? Because they think it's the "right" thing to do in society?

And when you find out (or figure out through body language and tone of voice) that they really didn't want to offer it up in the first place; do you feel guilty for accepting the offer? How does one handle something like this?

I think I can tell you what I would do in this situation.

When the offer is made, make the decision, without worrying about the attached emotion, whether or not you want to accept the offer. If you do accept it, then also do so with the understanding that you are going to ignore whatever emotional baggage it comes with. Resist feeling guilty and enjoy the fruits of the offer. Likewise, if you feel that whatever the offer is is not something you want to accept, then refuse the offer and also the emotion that goes along with the refusal. Do not allow yourself to feel guilty for making the decision you made or setting the boundry you set.

What you were describing was a no-win proposal and one of those damned if you do, damned if you don't situations. Not fair. Not healthy.

I hope this helps.

PS: Mothers-in-law seem to have this technique down to an art. I don't know where they learn it. There must be a school somewhere that we don't know about.

[kjetterman]

LOL!! Oh Vickie thank you!!! I thought I was losing my mind! Fantastic advice!

I'm really going to try and get it through my head to separate the emotional stuff. It's so hard to do though... I've gotta admit.

[VickiesPath]

Originally Posted by kjetterman

LOL!! Oh Vickie thank you!!! I thought I was losing my mind! Fantastic advice!

I'm really going to try and get it through my head to separate the emotional stuff. It's so hard to do though... I've gotta admit.

Hopefully, what develops out of treating the situation this way is, whatever her motive for making these offers, she will learn that she better not offer unless she is sincere or it's gonna backfire on her.

[lynn P.]

I agree that was great advice that Vickie gave. I want to speak about something different and you can still use Vickie's advice. I think some people get in the habit of feeling like they need to do for others but deep inside they don't want to. They suffer from a common desease LOL of not being able to say 'no' or resist offering help. She gets upset when you accept because deep inside those aren't her true intentions. Good luck using Vickie's advice.

[Dr.Muffin]

i know lots of people like that. i have a specific friend with whom i generally end requests with permission to say no! like, hey can i come over and do laundry this weekend? feel free to say no!

i never did understand the doormat mentality, and usually, i dont feel guilty, i feel angry. your MIL, though, this sounds more like the martyr mentality than the doormat. my great grandmother was like that and we all learned to ignore it. either youre ungrateful for refusing their offers or youre a burden for "making" them do something for you. i think vickie's advice is great...dont let someone else's issues become your issues.