[jbug]

How do you deal with a parents criticism when you feel that they are wrong in what they said? My dad and I had an exchange of emails yesterday and a phone call to clarify what I said in my email. He said I am a taker not a giver and that needs to change. I think that I am a giver and there are times I am a taker but isn't every one? I tried pointing out all the things I do for other people but he didn't want to hear it he just stood his ground.

I had also sent him the lyrics to the 3 doors down song Let me be myself and he told me that song was not a good song to like and then gave me a sermonite. I just meant don't try to make me become like you (meaning my dad) because I don't want to be like him. In fact I want to be the furthest thing from him.

So how do you deal with someone like that?

Jan

[Irine]

well...i dont have much expereince with the such...i thing the best thing to do is to except the fact that we will always have things we disagree about even with our parents, partners etc.

You sent him lyrics - why? Do you think that maybe you are still looking for his attention? love ?
I think we all do. All the time. even when we are adults. especially if the parents didn`t give us enough love attention and praising when we were kids. Also - I think that when in a relationship someone is looking for something that he needs when we stop asking for it and showing we need it but demonstrate confidence instead the other side starts looking at as a little bit differently and respects us and gives us what we want...

[VickiesPath]

Jan,

I can't give you any words of wisdom from my own experience because it would turn into a book. But what I have observed is that parents never, ever have an unbiased, realistic, or fair vision of their children. Built into their viewpoint of anything they say to or about their children is history, expectations and bias. It has always been this way and always will be this way. Very rare are the exceptions. Along that same line, we children have always strived to please them. It never matters what age we are. We are always trying to prove ourselves to be everything we think they want us to be. Almost without exception. And, at the same time, we have this conflict going on inside of us that says that we are NOT everything that they wanted us to be and they should see us for who we are and love us for who we are. Now. Doesn't all of this sound complicated? You're darn right it is!

What it all boils down to is, once you are an adult and are living on your own, there is no sense in trying to prove your self worth to your parent. They will always see you one way and you will always see yourself another way. The most important thing is how you see yourself and love yourself. Love your parents for what they gave you and let it go at that. Try to love them in spite of what they gave you, if that is what is necessary. They will always have a critical word or two here and there.

From what I know about you, you have SO MUCH to be proud of about yourself. You have accomplished much. Celebrate that. Celebrate who you are.

[sabby]

Vickie couldn't have said it better in my line of thinking.

I know that when my parents were alive, now and then the same thing would happen to me that has happened to you. After trying so hard to get them to hear me, and it not working very well, I figured the best thing I could do (because I was an adult and could make my own choices) was to listen, to thank them for their opinion, to take from what they said anything I thought was valid and to throw away whatever I felt was invalid and go from there.

I found it wasn't worth arguing about as we only ended up with hurt feelings. I tried to remember that they were trying to give me the benefit of their knowledge and what they had learned over their lifetime. It may or may not have been applicable to me and my life (at that time). Sometimes I found that what they had said to me was applicable, but not until later in my life, when I had grown and learned more as well.

The adult child and parent relationship can be very tedious at times. We struggle with who is going to be in control. Parents sometimes have trouble letting go of their control of their kids...no matter how old we are


sabby

[lynn P.]

I agree with Vickie in Phoenix and Sabby. I wouldn't get too bothered by what he said. Maybe he thinking you need to be more of a giver in regards to him. I would even show him you're a giver by doing something for him that would make him happy and then forget about it - it's not worth the mental energy.

[bebop]

I agree with the others hon. maybe not try to prove things to him anymore. you don't need to. when he says stuff just politely tell him you have to get off the phone or something. or listen to it and take what you need and move on.