[Michah]

Saturday night........just gone.

My partner and my son and I went to my mothers for dinner and to watch the wonderful fireworks of our city's celebration......great food, glass of champagne and good company.......until

My mother and her friend got pissed(drunk) and my partner told my mother that he was finally buying a dirt bike(he is a motorcross rider as his passion. he is very good at it too!). We have lived with no money for so long, and it just so happens that we got this money as a bit of a gift(will not go into it.....it is all legal) and I said to my partner who has sacrificed so much "What does your spirit want, hun?" and he said "A bike" and I said "Okay".

I have never liked bikes......my partner is not afraid of anything and I am afraid of everything........but I got over it for I strongly believe in spiritual freedom. We have been sensible with this money, exercised caution and it is worth the risk.......it is our karmic payback.

So, my mother looks at us like we have just told her that we are bank robbers or spies for the Australian govn. and spits continuous venom with her friend along for the ride.......it was like being attacked by two wizened vultures upon their stone of self-righteousness and morality. Man I was close to saying "Why don't you just **** off to your island of delusion and misplaced loyalty, you evil people!"......yep that how angry I was....

My partner and I kept our cool but seethed on the inside. There was no point defending ourselves, as all logic or formative argument had flown out the window. As my father said "what business is it of hers?". It was HUGELY uncomfortable. Thank goodness my son was inside watching TV while all this was going on.

History.........my mother was not in my life for 10 years, when my mental illness was it its worst.......she has publicly denounced that mental illness exists for me(I was just "behaving badly") and that all the psychologists, psychiatrists, psych nurses over the years are wrong........she has been back in my life for 5 years and still does not know me, nor does she speak the truth from within for she does not know her inner truth........she has said to me of my childhood that she does not remember, it couldn't have been that bad, she did the best that she could, she is always right, she admits to being "frightening" but that is all(understatement of the year!)......

So the 10 years that she wasn't around, I worked very hard on forgiveness and acceptance so I could get past my terrible rage and impropriety. I don't mind the stupid comments that are disrespectful, immature and ignorant, but when she tries to tell me what to do, thats when I get REALLY angry.....

There is much more to say, and I am not sure why I am writing this........only know that I will pretend next time I speak to her, that it never happened, that I forgive all, and be the bigger man.......As my T will say, there is a difference between passivity and acceptance.......so I will practice the latter........if I could speak my mind with logic(as I am comfortable with) then she and I would have wonderful outcomes.......but that is not her modus operandi.....

I am not upset by what she said anymore for it is my life, not hers and I will do what I want.......I am 35 afterall!!........it is more, the more she speaks the more I realise how fake our relationship is........and if I where to tell her this, she would fall apart and accuse me of "mutiny" and deception....(All of these things I wouldn't even know how to start being) but that is fundamentally a reflection of herself that she projects on to me.......for that is not what I am like......I am too laid back and honourable for that.

So, I press on.......it is my truth that counts.......and I will reflect and observe the mild melancholia of confrontation as being just that........I am not a fighter, but my rage is kept in check. For those of you that know me, you will know what I mean......Why can't she just go quietly into the night with nary a whisper? Without all the emotional extremes and chaos?

I just don't understand the need for illogical fights based on emotion and self-pity? Isn't it just as easy to sit down and say the truth in a calm, tactful and heartfelt manner.......for there is always love in truth. That will NEVER happen with my mother.......sadly she is not confident enough in herself, even though she shows such frightening dominance......she will take my truth as an affront, ergo, she will never know me really, ergo,........ why are we having a relationship?

I do not experience this with anyone else in my life......2 choices......I overcome and love unconditionally without compromising myself(kind of what i have been doing), tell her to **** off and jump in a big lake, or hope that she makes the realisation herself that we are in a dishonest relationship and leaves quietly........hhhhhmmmm

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent everyone.......please respect that this is very sensitive subject for me and please do not suggest that I try and "see it from her point of view" or some such thing.......I have never made concessions for family as I do not do it with anyone else. I do not believe that family should be tolerated even if they have no respect.......thats why I divorced my mother in the first place......being family is not a TITLE, it is REWARD.......just like my son does not just love me because I am his mother, I want him to love me because I work hard on myself to get better, I am a good role model and I behave with honour.......just my opinion.....

Michah

[VickiesPath]

It's funny, Michah, as I reading your post, I was thinking, "Why did she go over there in the first place?" and then came the part where you said to don't tell you to try to see it from her point of view! LOL

Our relationships with our parents are always unique. I don't think anyone can tell anyone else how to manage their relationship with their parents. I'm serious. Each relationship has so many facets, so much history, is so intricately complicated that to try to do it the way someone else does it is useless.

I have posted elsewhere on PC that my mother never liked me and I never really liked her. But the last five years or so, I decided that whatever I had against her, I was going to put it aside and have some kind of relationship with her. It was long distance and mostly was phone calls early in the morning over coffee. But I'm glad I did it because in 2008, she suddenly took ill in January and on April 9 she died of cancer. I did not know her any better than I did before I began calling her. And I never will. But at least I can say I tried. And I was able to go to Mississippi and take care of her during the last month of her life. So, that was at least something.

I appreciate your unique outlook on life and am always interested in reading your posts. It makes the world seem a little smaller and little friendlier.

[Hunny]

((((((((( Michah ))))))))))

[jerrymichele]

(((((((((((((Michah)))))))))))))))))

My bf has lots of problems with his mom to, and it has really hurt him. Just like you. I will give you a lot of credit for being around her, because my bf wants nothing to do with his mom. He doesn't even call her mom. He addresses her by her first name only. I do agree that your mom should have been happy for both of you. If this makes the both of you happy than that is all that matters. We can't live our lives based on what somebody else wants, if we did than we would never be happy. Take Care.

[Seabirdanne]

Originally Posted by Michah

History.........my mother was not in my life for 10 years, when my mental illness was it its worst.......she has publicly denounced that mental illness exists for me(I was just "behaving badly") and that all the psychologists, psychiatrists, psych nurses over the years are wrong........she has been back in my life for 5 years and still does not know me, nor does she speak the truth from within for she does not know her inner truth........she has said to me of my childhood that she does not remember, it couldn't have been that bad, she did the best that she could, she is always right, she admits to being "frightening" but that is all(understatement of the year!)......

I'm sure you know by now that this is typical (text book, actually) stuff that emotionally abusive parents (and siblings) do. Of course you have to decide for yourself how to handle this. Just know that you are not alone, that many, many people face or have faced the same issues.

[Michah]

Thanks all for your wonderful hugs and replies.......I feel better getting it off my chest......

I had considered deleting this thread due to my viciousness, but when I saw the lovely responses, I declined.

I apologise if I sounded hostile.......and therein lies the problem.......my mother is the only person that makes me feel like I am wrapping my deep love and anger for her around myself with knots......... and with efforts in not being suffocated by it. I cannot stand the complexity, the analysis, the suspicion attached to my relationship with her......as I do not tolerate this in most people. It is too much for me to comprehend and I am embarrassed by it.

Just when I think I have it nailed, it changes.......without my permisssion. The thing is, is that I have no problem in telling people that they are not healthy for me........but with my mum, I am too honourable? ignorant? untruthful? in love? compassionate? for that........I have grown out of that intense rage I held for her.........it is now a simmering, transient lesson for me........I know what I must do to reach my truth, but I need to find a way to do it so I do not destroy.......I will not commit to the same terrible mistakes that she made with me. Am I self-righteous or destined for martyrdom in my piety? Gosh......my reasons are so I don't make the same mistakes, so I don't end up like her, which has always been my greatest fear.........and just when I have accepted the things that are like her in me, I am confronted by them. I feel like a big fake........for that is not the truth........or......it should not be MY truth.

I said to my partner on Sat night "Am I like her? Please tell me I am not like that!" and my man grabbed me by the face in his big hands and looked deeply into my face and said "You will NEVER be like her, you are 2 different people".

Thanks babe........love you for that...

So as much as I deeply love her and am fiercely protective of her(I have raised my fists in defense of her in the past against a stranger that threatened her).......I am also completely indifferent. It changes constantly and I cannot keep up........but fundamentally, I practice distance, for it is alot out of responsibility that I even entertain this kind of relationship.........and my msiplaced idea of "doing the right thing".

Sweet merciful crap.......the more I write, the more it sounds like I have NO idea.......so much for my perceived wisdom!!!

Much love to you all.......thanks for your tolerance.....

Michah

Oh... ((&#%^$^&) I just lost a good hour of writting.....

[Typo]

(((((((((((((((Micah))))))))))))))))))))))