[Maven]

I couldn't care less about my cousin and his girlfriend/wife/whatever she is (they were married, then separated but I don't know if they divorced, and then they got back together, so I don't know what their status is now, nor do I care), but it pisses me off that they made my mom cry.

My mom isn't perfect, and she can be rude and invade privacy, plus she can snap at you because she's out of shape and gets frustrated easily. But the way my cousin and his wife (for wont of a better term) are treating my mom makes me mad. My cousin and my mom had a fight the last time she saw him and his kids, several weeks ago. According to my mom, she asked his daughter to get her oxygen bottle and the girl grabbed the wrong one, so my mom pointed to the right one, and the girl flew off the handle (she, like her brothers, has mental problems), and then her dad was yelling at my mom, and I don't know exactly what happened, but they left, and haven't contacted my mom since.

Finally, my mom called them at home yesterday, but got a message saying the number was disconnected or something, so she called my cousin's cell phone. She offered to take them to Burger King and get them a cake or something for their birthdays (I don't know if two or more of them have bdays about now, but that's what she said). I'm fuzzy on some of the details, but he didn't call back, and somehow his daughter's ex-friend (my cousin and his wife didn't like their daughter hanging with this other girl, because she's a teenager and had had a baby--just like my cousin and his wife--so I guess they thought she was a bad influence) ended up with the information that my mom wanted to get in touch with them and went over there. My cousin's wife asked her, "What are you doing here?" and didn't want anything to do with them.

My cousin told his wife, I guess, that my mom had left a message on his cell, and she and he got into a big argument. His wife was saying she didn't need my mom, didn't want anything my mom had and didn't want anything from my mom. I don't know what my cousin's position was, but I figure he might have been willing to bring the kids to see my mom, and his wife objected, since they argued.

My mom did so much for them. I went through hell because my mom did stuff for them that hurt me and worsened my OCD and panic disorder many years ago when I still lived with her; I've mentioned this here a long time ago, so I won't get into that now, or this post will be twice as long. They took over her house, them and their family (my aunt, her two sons [one of them being the cousin I'm speaking of], her severely mentally retarded daughter with cerebral palsy who couldn't walk or talk, my cousin's then-girlfriend [the wife this post is partly about], and their friends, coming over all hours of the night. Then, later, after I moved out, my mom let them move in again so they wouldn't lose their children over not having a proper home!!!

My mom has given them money, a home (at least twice!), watched their kids (the mom likes to go shopping and do whatever she does with her sister--whose baby is being raised by the mom, too!), bought them things, fed them and done all kinds of crap for them, and this is how they repay her??? No, I'm not surprised. I never liked them. But it still pisses me off because my mom told me she'd cried all night plus all day yesterday! She was crying when I talked to her (several times). They are such f***ing scum!!!!!!!!!

[billieJ]

Well, yes, they probably are exactly what you called them. Sounds like a good idea to just give them some space, until they make a kind move. If they don't, so much the better. I know that your Mom likes being with their children, but perhaps other family members have children she could share. It would seem to be better that the type of argument you describe. Can you and your Mom leave cousin and his whatever alone, at least until they recover their senses? billieJ

[WePow]

First - safe hugs to YOU. You share a lot about your mom and the actual situation, but not much about how it makes you hurt inside. Angry - yes that too. But what happened also caused you pain.

It sounds like you have been through enough pain in life as it is. Maybe it is time to emotionally step back just a small bit to allow yourself some space for emotional health? Comming from what I call a "dramatic" family - where things tend to be blown out of logical proportion and people cut each other off and say hurtful things and then make up - a roller coaster ride - I can deeply understand how frustrated you feel. You do love your mom and it does hurt to see her in pain. And if you are empathic at all, they you pick up on that pain even more than others might. Here are a few pointers I use in my own life to help with these events:

1) People are people. They are going to hurt each other in words and deeds from time to time. And they are all learning and growing. We can't "fix" most problems with our families. Life is going to continue from one day to the next. Tears and anger may be a part of the life lessons each has to face. Accept the reality of the situation with a mentally healthy detatchment.

2) It is your right to be / stay healthy. So emotionally distancing yourself does not mean you do not love them. It just means you are allowing them space to handle life and learn from whatever is going on. If they are upsetting you, it is your right to leave the room for a while if needed. In my situation, I have learned to just hold the phone away from my ear while my dad rants about the latest drama. His voice is always a different tone when he rants like that, so I know when he is done and can resume the normal part of conversation. In person, I have changed the topic totally when needed. It is our right to stay sane.

Hope this helps.
Wendi

[Maven]

Thanks, guys. My mom hasn't heard from them again, and doesn't really expect to. But her nerves are really bad (I'm positive she suffers from an undiagnosed anxiety disorder), she was suffering stomach and chest pains yesterday, so I'm a bit concerned about her health. She's in poor health as it is. Luckily, one of her brothers called her last night and she says it helped her.

As for me, I have nothing to do with my cousin and his wife and family. I haven't seen them in years. I just know what my mom tells me. I've never liked them, especially the wife. They're very much self-righteous and think they're better than everyone else. When they were in my mom's home and I was still living there, they would use anti-gay slurs and had no respect, because they knew I didn't like that sort of talk. In my own home (no, I didn't own the house, but a home is where you live, so I can say my home), I expect my feelings to be considered. My mom doesn't like cursing, but they kept that up, damaged her home (breaking chairs, punching in a wall, etc.), and they're just pieces of crap. They judge others when they know nothing, but think they're just dandy.

There are no others who can bring children to my mom. In a way, she really can't handle it, because my cousin's kids all have mental and behavioral problems, so it would be stressful on her at times. She loved them, but it was difficult for her to have them over sometimes.

I'm just concerned what it might do to her physically and emotionally.

[jerrymichele]

I think that family should just leave your mom alone. I think she should take a trip to the Dr. You know if this family shows up when they are in need again, I hope that you can step in and tell them to get lost. I hope that everything works out for you and your mom. Take Care.

[Maven]

My cousin and his kids did visit my mom yesterday, so her anxiety over the issue is relieved.

My mom generally won't go to the doctor; she has so many appointments with doctors, she just says, "Well, I see the doctor on Thursday, so I'll just wait until then." Of course, it may not be the right doctor for the problem, but that's my mom.

Thanks, John.