[CChick]

Hi all,
I'm new.
This post is very long, I just to get everthing out of my system.

I've recently broken up with my boyfriend and so many emotions are running through me I needed o write them down somewhere. I'm 25. It almost seems stupid to be calling someone a 'boyfriend' at this age.

There's a lot inside, mainly aggression. I feel so frustrated and resentful.
After moving my life over 2,000 miles to be with him, I find it difficult to fathom what is going on, and what I am doing here.

When I was in the relationship, it didn't feel like anything was dramatically wrong, but I did know that certain things needed to be worked on.

In fact, looking back in hindsight I can see all the things I didn't like, and all the ways he didn't care for me, and I wonder how I could have ever let it get so bad, and wonder why I didn't realise it was so bad.

Towards the end, there were petty little fights that didn't need to be fights.
He would ignore me a lot.
I never bothered calling him or texting him because he would never reply, or at least take days in doing so. This would bug me when I could see him responding to others straight away.
He would put me last with many things and I wouldn't want to nag him, but at the same time, there were many nice things he would do for me too.

About 5 weeks ago, he let me down severly and it almost cost me a lot.
I've managed to keep things together inspite of him, rather than thanks to him. (He later mentioned that he was proud of me for this, not without critism, he said he expected me to fail). I had tried to speak to him about how dissapointed and let down I felt, but he got mad at me instead. He wouldn't listen to things from my perspective. When he cooled down he expected everything to go back to 'normal', regardless of how hurt I was.
I felt like I wasn't being heard or understood.
I felt like I couldn't tell him how I feel.
I felt like he couldn't listen to me without being defencive.
I felt like I couldn't rely on him.
He seems to point the finger at others and situations rather than take responsibility for the effects his actions and reactions have on others.
He strongly believes that feelings and thoughts are subjective and irralivent to reality (eg. it's all in your head, only you can let others upset you), but conveniantly forgets this where his own behaviour is concerned.

About a month ago, after the above mentioned 'let down', I was feeling a bit depressed because of his behaviour, on top of feeling alone in a new city with no one to lean on when I needed support. A friend tipped me off that he was thinking of dumping me. (3mths after moving over, 1wk after spending some odd $600 on his birthday). He than wrote me a long condecending email full of 'you need to pull yourself up out of your hole' and about how I 'needed to climb a mountain' (which he had 'every confidence I could do'?!) and even though he had "turned to s***" he felt the 'journey of self-improvement was better done alone'.
That's right, he broke up with me over e-mail.
No discussion, no trying to work things out, nothing.

About two weeks later he upgraded it to a 'I'm willing to do what it takes to work things out' and that he was 'ready to change his behaviour'. We agreed to have a couple of weeks apart to mull things over. He emailed me a week later saying how much he missed me, and that he didn't know why he was 'gambling' me, that he couldn't justify his reasons to himself any more, and that he still had a great 'love and affection' for me.

about 5days ago (1wk after he emailed) I went over to his place to talk. This was unplanned, we had agreed that he would call me, which he hadn't. He went on to deny that he had ever entertainedd the idea of working on things. He then also denied that he needed to improve his behaviour. He said that he realized the reasons he dupmed me were just excuses, and that I had done nothing wrong other than being the perfect partner. He said his decision was still unchanged, calling it 'illogical', and that the logical thing to do would be marry me. But he felt he was still doing the right thing.

(at this stage, yes, I did tell him he was an idiot)

He then went onto boasting about how how had been out partying for the last 5days straight, and got arrested for rafting over to a protected island nature reserve, on a blow up mattress, with a bunch of friends (both male and female), naked, drunk and under the influence of other substances. He made sure to mention a heap of female names I had never heard before, and that his friends had been breaking up with their partners too (and having a lot of post-relationship 'fun').

I left feeling quite noticably upset, but it didn't stop him from trying to hold me, make moves on me and tell me that he still 'deeply cared for and loved me' and that 'it didn't have to be like this' (?!?). The whole time I was there I felt like I didn't know who I waas talking to. It was like he had a complete character change. I couldn't be talking to the kind, sensitive, loving person I had packed up my life to be with. It was like speaking to an imature 17 year old.

Which leaves me with the aggression I am currently feeling. It's not soft enough to be frustation, and malicious enough to be anger. But I feel like part of me wants to explode or lash out. It's very bitter.
Part of me wishes he would call me, just so I can tell him that he's dead to me, so he might feel, just a little bit of the pain that I do. He's not the person I loved. He's the inconsiderate, self-absorbed liar that enveloped him.
I found out from a mutural co-worker from a privious job, that he has been telling everyone that I dumped him, not the other way around. This annoys me because I think that dumping me over email, after everything I've done for him was low, and everyone deserves to know that.

Not only that, but I miss his family, which I had become very close to, and now I don't feel like I can contact them. I don't have a family of my own and the only friends I have over here were mutural.

I'm hoping that these aggressive/spiteful feelings pass, but at the same time, I don't want to let go of them. I feel like I have an earnt 'right' to feel hatred for him. I guess I'm still going through the processes.

Thanks for listening.
The next post won't be so much of a downer.
Promise.

[lynn P.]

You're still in the beginning stages of the breakup and it's normal to feel many different emotions. Try not to hang on to the hate - it' s a very distructive emotion that hurts you more than him. It will get better as time goes by - be patient with yourself. You know you could still see his family or at least say goodbye and stay in occasional communication. I hope you feel better!

[Lenny]

Hi CChick and welcome to PC....

I have to be honest,,I have mixed emotions regarding your post. It seems you do too...

On the one hand I'm so very sorry for your heartache,,it is hard to lose those we Love and all the infrastructure that surrounds the familiar...I know you hurt and you have every right to....

On the other hand I'm happy for you that your things seem to be moving as they are. You are both here in this place of separating lives because of issues that were building for a bit of time. They have now surfaced and in the light of day you are seeing things without the many masks that denial so convieniently allows...Truth can be a *****...it really has no conscience and for that I'm glad..a mercifull Truth could keep us in bad places far longer than we should...

But you must grieve your dream. It was a good one but please know there will be greater ones, You seem like a wonderfull person who has a good grasp on the priceless commodity of friendship. Stay active,,,keep yourself occupied,,do something new and different,,start a excersize program, yoga or gym. Take a class on something you've always wanted to learn....

Let life offer you opportunity.......

We are here,,,we were all helped along when we arrived and we pay it forward....

And please,,your post was your post,,never appologise for feelings honestly shared...



Lenny

[marjan]

I'm sorry for what you are going through....but trust me he will be like this forever....he will hurt your feelings over and over again...
I found out the only way to get over the break up is cutting everything lose completely....no contact with him and his friends or family at all...then over time, you will get over him....then you will be okay seeing him...
take care
marjan

[VickiesPath]

Hello CChick. Welcome to PsychCentral.

I agree with Lenny. You are meant for greater things. Be gentle with yourself. Go slowly and get over this hurt completely. I was thinking as you were telling your story that this fellow really is a jerk. He knows nothing of maturity and is only faking life. You would have been stuck with a child. Your description of your feelings of being more than frustration but less than anger. How astute! You have a wonderful gift for writing.

I hope you make many friends here on PC. There are many caring people.

[CChick]

Thanks for the replies everyone.
There's something wonderfully reassuring about the human race, in knowing that complete strangers can offer advice and comfort.
Your responses have been helpful.