[thunderbear]

My mother died in 2003. She had an 8 month battle with two kinds of cancer on was adena carcinoma of the pancreas and ovarion cancer. My mamaw was there the whole time. From the diagnosis till Mom took her last breath. Ever since my mamaw is so so depressed. She cries over everything. It seems she has forgotten that she has 5 other children. Tonight she was reading me an article about a local woman who is 32 and was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer that had spread to her rectum uterus, kidneys and liver. She kept talkng about it and talking about it and I could hear it in her voice she was crying. It is very sad to read that but I know it was reminding her of Mom. It seems evertime she sees anything that reminds her of her daughter she gets depressed and won't leave the house for days, she'll sleep all day long. She will stay up at night crying. She has my Mom's purse that she was carrying a week before she went in the hospital the last time. It has Mom's wallet and gum that me an her bought while shopping that week. It even has the ciggarette my Mom carried (she would hold it in her mouth she was trying to quit). She will sit and look at pictures of Mom and cry and cry. I have an old white boggin that I wear in the winter when I get wood. And I hate wearing it in front of her because she gets sad because me and my Mom look almost identical and my Mom always wore boggins. And my uncle is the same way he actally told me on the phone last year "I want you to come to Christmas dinner. It would be just like having your Mom here". Thats so weird. But thats another post on how that makes me feel. I'm just worried about my mamaw. She sits all alone in her house. With all these things (she's a horder) and all of Mom's things and cries. Sometimes she don't answer her phone and I go out there because I am afraid she fell or her blood suger got out of whack or something bad has happened. Me and her used to go out while the boys were at school and we would have lunch or go shopping or just hang out. Now she sits in her house she don't go outside. She has the most awful mood swings. She lashes out. Then she just crys. She turns 71 Saturday. She used to want to go out on her birthday now se don't care. She sometimes wears the same clothes for days and sometimes she don't shower. She don't get gross or anything it's just she has no motivation anymore. I don't know if she's depressed because of her age or because of this grief she constantly feels. I don't know how to help her. I just want her to be normal again.

[jerrymichele]

Sorry to hear about this TB. She could be depressed. Maybe you could encourage her to go to the Dr. I think that your grandma really misses your mom. It would be really hard to have a child pass on. My mom has been gone almost 20 years, and my grandma talks about her if she has never left. My bf's brother passed when he was 19, and his mom has never gotten over it. I think that he passed in 93. I have read things on this, and they have said some people never get over it. Keep us posted.

[thunderbear]

Thanks for the reply Michele
I tried and tried for years to get her to talk to a professional, but she does'nt really belive in mental problems. My uncle B. has been schitzophrenic for years and she just thought he needed church. She's just now coming to terms with that.

[jerrymichele]

Originally Posted by thunderbear

Thanks for the reply Michele
I tried and tried for years to get her to talk to a professional, but she does'nt really belive in mental problems. My uncle B. has been schitzophrenic for years and she just thought he needed church. She's just now coming to terms with that.

WOW! I hope that uncle B. has been getting treated for his disorder.
I have seen people who have phobia's about disorders. My family have these types of phobia's. I think that some of my family members need treated, but they would rather suffer.
Jezz TB, I really don't know what you can do then. I hate saying this, but when people get to a certain age, they are just set in there ways. I tell Jerry's mom that her son wouldn't want her to be so upset all the time. When my grandma has talked about my mom, I just listen. She doesn't cry about it. Jerry's mom on the other hand does. I know how you feel, because it is sad to see somone in so much pain. I do think that Jerry's mom has problems, because her kids really don't want much to do with her over the way she has treated them when they were growing up. She has a daughter that she hasn't spoken to since her son died. She talks to Jerry on few occasions, but Jerry won't even call her mom. He calls her by her first name only. She has 4 grandkids, and only knows Jerry's son. It's really strange, because she shows a lot of love to Jerry's son, but not to Jerry. She is with a man that is something else that I won't put on here. She is also worried about passing alone. Jerry already knows that the thing that she is married to won't do much about it, so Jerry did say that he will make sure she will be properly placed. Anyways, I will stop rambling. The only thing that I can really think is maybe other than missing your mom, she might be feeling regret. She might be thinking that it is not right for her to live her life. I hope that makes sense. Some people have it in their minds that when they do something wrong they owe someone a service to not move on in their lives. She also could be making herself feel guilty not to always think about her daughter. If you think about it, a child passing is (IMO) the worst hurt that anyone could ever feel. So, like me for example. I still love my mom, but the pain of my mom's passing would be no where near as bad as my child passing.

[sweetypie]

hi hon

just to say, i'm from kentucky, my mom still lives there : )

i feel really really bad for your grandmother. i know she does have other children, because you said, but , i am a mom. and i have two daughters. and if something happened to ONE of them, it still would never be healed.
my dad died at age 59, two years before my grandmother died. his mom was 90 when she died, and i think she would have lived longer but for the grieving over dad. it just took all the life, out of her.

all you can do, i think, is keep telling your grandmother you are there for her, all of you are there for her, surround her, if you can't be there physically then check in daily or 3, 4 times a week with a phone call. .
write letters, yes even snail mail.

and like someone commented prior, yes, have her see a doctor. she likely needs a bit of medical help.

grieving is hard physical, mental and emotional, work. and it takes time.

she is lucky to have someone as loving and caring, as yourself, around her.
i wish all of you the very best

[Catherine2]

thunderbear,
It's a painful thing for you to be going through...I hope you are taking goo care of yourself.

If she's not too keen on professional help, perhaps asking her pastor to talk with her would be helpful.

Best wishes for finding something/someone to ease this for you and for her...

[thunderbear]

Originally Posted by jerrymichele

WOW! I hope that uncle B. has been getting treated for his disorder.
I have seen people who have phobia's about disorders. My family have these types of phobia's. I think that some of my family members need treated, but they would rather suffer.
Jezz TB, I really don't know what you can do then. I hate saying this, but when people get to a certain age, they are just set in there ways. I tell Jerry's mom that her son wouldn't want her to be so upset all the time. When my grandma has talked about my mom, I just listen. She doesn't cry about it. Jerry's mom on the other hand does. I know how you feel, because it is sad to see somone in so much pain. I do think that Jerry's mom has problems, because her kids really don't want much to do with her over the way she has treated them when they were growing up. She has a daughter that she hasn't spoken to since her son died. She talks to Jerry on few occasions, but Jerry won't even call her mom. He calls her by her first name only. She has 4 grandkids, and only knows Jerry's son. It's really strange, because she shows a lot of love to Jerry's son, but not to Jerry. She is with a man that is something else that I won't put on here. She is also worried about passing alone. Jerry already knows that the thing that she is married to won't do much about it, so Jerry did say that he will make sure she will be properly placed. Anyways, I will stop rambling. The only thing that I can really think is maybe other than missing your mom, she might be feeling regret. She might be thinking that it is not right for her to live her life. I hope that makes sense. Some people have it in their minds that when they do something wrong they owe someone a service to not move on in their lives. She also could be making herself feel guilty not to always think about her daughter. If you think about it, a child passing is (IMO) the worst hurt that anyone could ever feel. So, like me for example. I still love my mom, but the pain of my mom's passing would be no where near as bad as my child passing.

Hey Michele. Just wanted to say thanks And also the way you described Jerry's relationship with his mom, is the same exact way it is with my husband and his mom. And yes I can imagine losing a child is the most painful thing ever. I would never want to live through that

[VickiesPath]

Hi TB, so glad you are back with us.

Have a couple questions for you. Is your mamaw religious? I don't mean church going, I mean does she believe in God? My grandmother buried three daughters and her husband. Honest to God, I don't know how she did it. But, she somehow realized that it was part of the great scheme of things and she had to go on for the living. She had been raised a Catholic but wasn't one after marriage. But she still believed that there was heaven and that everyone went there and it was glorious and that her daughters and husband were waiting there, happy, and would meet her there when her time came. When here time did come, I was there and she did say that she saw them and they were going to take her to heaven.

Perhaps you could talk to your mamaw and tell her that your mother dying was simply part of God's great plan and we all are born and we all die and go to a better place. She will see your mother again. In the meantime, there are so many still here who need her. If your mother were looking down, would she want your mamaw to neglect everyone else and be mourning her? Would she want your mamaw to be wasting away, not taking care of herself and not doing for others? Have you tried talking to her about these kinds of things? All we have is what we have here and now. We can't waste it. Of course she misses her dearly. So do you and so does everyone. But life goes on and we have to take care of each other. You can tell her how mad your mother would be to see her sitting around being sorry about everything. Now, your mother is very wise, now that she's in heaven. And she knows that time's a wastin'.

Depression first takes hold by neglecting one's personal hygene. Help her make sure that she has clean clothes and bathes regularly. Make sure she washes her hair. If there is anything special she does, like putting on lipstick or perfume, encourage her to do that every day. Doing personal hygene things seem trivial but they are not for a depressed person. They are a big deal. Start there. After she starts doing that regulary, start with one simple housekeeping task each day. Only one. Then build from there. Gradually she will begin to come out of it. She has to learn that it is OK to live in spite of your mother's death.

I hope this has helped a little.

[thunderbear]

Originally Posted by Vickie in Phoenix

Hi TB, so glad you are back with us.

Have a couple questions for you. Is your mamaw religious? I don't mean church going, I mean does she believe in God? My grandmother buried three daughters and her husband. Honest to God, I don't know how she did it. But, she somehow realized that it was part of the great scheme of things and she had to go on for the living. She had been raised a Catholic but wasn't one after marriage. But she still believed that there was heaven and that everyone went there and it was glorious and that her daughters and husband were waiting there, happy, and would meet her there when her time came. When here time did come, I was there and she did say that she saw them and they were going to take her to heaven.

Perhaps you could talk to your mamaw and tell her that your mother dying was simply part of God's great plan and we all are born and we all die and go to a better place. She will see your mother again. In the meantime, there are so many still here who need her. If your mother were looking down, would she want your mamaw to neglect everyone else and be mourning her? Would she want your mamaw to be wasting away, not taking care of herself and not doing for others? Have you tried talking to her about these kinds of things? All we have is what we have here and now. We can't waste it. Of course she misses her dearly. So do you and so does everyone. But life goes on and we have to take care of each other. You can tell her how mad your mother would be to see her sitting around being sorry about everything. Now, your mother is very wise, now that she's in heaven. And she knows that time's a wastin'.

Depression first takes hold by neglecting one's personal hygene. Help her make sure that she has clean clothes and bathes regularly. Make sure she washes her hair. If there is anything special she does, like putting on lipstick or perfume, encourage her to do that every day. Doing personal hygene things seem trivial but they are not for a depressed person. They are a big deal. Start there. After she starts doing that regulary, start with one simple housekeeping task each day. Only one. Then build from there. Gradually she will begin to come out of it. She has to learn that it is OK to live in spite of your mother's death.

I hope this has helped a little.

Hi Vickie. Thank you. Yes she is religous. She belives in God and Jesus. I told her that there was a reason for Mom's death. I think she honestly tries to belive that, but I guess it's hard to when you suffer aloss like that. Thank you so much for your advice. I am just trying to let her know she has someone who cares about her.