[Locust]

Feeling sad

When I was a kid, I lost my grandfather, who was like a second dad to me. Not too much earlier, my father had divorced mom and moved out, but we had a lot of contact. I had no reason to think he didn't care for me. He even got me on consecutive weekends (when he didn't have to), kept me for extra days during extended breaks (which he didn't have to), etc. When I was 12, he totally cut me off. I thought we had a good relationship, but he stopped calling much, stopped our visits all together, and eventually we had no phone calls anymore. This also cost me my sisters on dad's side. He never said why, never said goodbye. Took me off his insurance when he didn't have to since it didn't cost him any extra on his family plan (long story). Refuses contact even now, and I had always been daddy's girl before. It took me a long time to really come to peace with that. I think, he just didn't love me. That's so hard to understand and accept because I had REALLY believed he did. It is hard to believe he didn't, but it's my only real explanation for it. If he fooled me, how can I believe someone else?

I know my mother loved and loves me deeply and she has went above and beyond what is legally and societally expected of her as a parent, to help and support me. I think she is a wonderful mom and am not trying to bad mouth her. But when she got mad, as is customary for many people around here (and she'd prob. been taught to do this, as had those around her- it's a cycle), she would sometimes threaten to send me off or to leave me and never come back and not give anyone her contact info. to anyone so we couldn't find her. I don't know if she said this much after dad actually abandoned me, though. This was between the divorce and him cutting off contact.

I also lost a good friend who in highschool spent less time with me after awhile. I thought she just wanted some space, so I gave it to her, but it turned into cutting me off, basically.

By the time I fell in love for the first time, I had abandonment issues. I don't know if it was because of my good friend and my dad choosing to leave me, or if it was because of all mom's divorces. She was married once before dad, which I knew of, then dad, then had been married to another man and divorced and was with yet another husband, and they had sort of separated. They dated, but lived in separate houses. Either way, I often questioned his love for me and thought he would leave me eventually. But another part of me really believed he loved me deeply and had hope we would marry as we planned.

We were really close, but it ended. I had serious anger issues and other problems and short comings which contributed to things falling apart. He was a sensitive man which made my anger more difficult to take. He left for college, so there was now distance between us. There were also health issues and his MI (bipolar and PTSD- and a physical issue that affected his hormonal balance and mental state) and more in play here. We had been sort of friends before we dated for a bit, then dated for about 4 and a half years before breaking up (first 4 years were good before things changed and it was pretty much over then), then waited till 5 yr. anniversary before it was totally over because we remained friends and lovers till then. In a way, it felt like there was more distance betwen us than there would have been between him and a stranger at this point- as if he had put up a huge wall against me, but he said he really cared.

The last time we spoke he told me he still loved me and we would continue our friendship, as we had been (even if without being lovers), and we'd still talk and hang out as we had been doing since the breakup and to get up with him. He never answered my emails and it was too hard to get him on the phone. It became clear he was cutting me off. Again, this felt sudden in a way, as with dad because we had been being friends and he'd said he wanted to keep this up when we'd spoken shortly before this. I felt I lost his family, as well- who felt like my family (just as happened with dad and my sisters....and really have lost contact with all dad's family, but MOST- except for sisters- never felt like family, anyway). Lately, I've been in contact with some of my first love's family, and his mother and sister are actually planning on going out to eat with me, but no contact with him or his brother.

I also had a friend tell me that they sometimes thought about never speaking to me again and cutting off all contact. I appreciated the honesty, but it was worrisome because it had happened to me more than once before. When we talked about it, though they said they would never actually do it. However, after this, I was asking them if I could count on them to always be my friend, and they said they thought the only thing that would make them stop being friends with me was if their girlfriend ordered them to quit being friends with me (because she doesn't exactly like me and this was/is a possibility). They later said they wouldn't even if she didn't want us to be friends, which I believed. I figure, okay, we've just gotten closer, and now they know they wouldn't do that. BUT then even later, they said, they weren't sure- if she actually gave them an ultimatum, that might do it. Nice to know I can feel secure, huh? But really, who can feel secure with anyone? Also, another friend often distances herself, though, and sometimes I want to abandon her myself just to get it over with, but then she comes back around finally.

I was so hurt after my first romantic heart break and being pushed away as a friend of his, that I really shut down for awhile. I was very against serious relationships, and was so shut down and antagonistic that I cost myself a potentially good friendship. I moved out of that state, but still was opposed to commited or serious romantic relationships. Then someone ended up capturing my heart. He told me he didn't want a serious relationship, but we were obviously growing close. He admitted caring a lot for me, but denied loving me. Said he didn't think he would ever love me in that way. Finally said he loved me as a friend, but did not love me romantically. Finally said he thought he might love me romantically and be falling in love with me, which I don't think was done to manipulate, nor to please me. I think he was sincere, but he soon went back to saying he didn't feel that way, never would, and broke up with me in a month after saying he thought he might love me. Then went back and forth about whether to get back together for 3 months before taking me back. *sighs* I just don't know what to do. I feel insecure in the relationship now, but I want to be with him. I just feel I have been taken for granted and strung along for the past 3 months. I wonder what this even means. That we are back together for the day? I know we can't count on tomorrow in any situation with anyone, but I want to know if he THINKS I can count on tomorrow. I just feel he's been so back and forth, that I just don't know what to expect and I just wish I knew this meant he REALLY wanted to be with me again. I am afraid talking to him about it will push him away, since he's obviously confused about being with me, anyway. Yet, I'm honestly, kind of irritated with him for doing me this way, even though I know he didn't do it to hurt me.

Oh, and I wanted to add, I have been unable to have kids with anyone, either (long personal story). I think I'm meant to be alone.

P.S. I have lost others, but only mentioned one death (even though I've lost a couple other people who were very close to somewhat close). I just don't think that has much to do with my fear of caring romantically for someone.

[gimmeice]

((((((((((((((( Locust ))))))))))))))))))
I don't really have any advice, I just wanted to let you know that I had read your post and I am sorry for what you have been through.