[Visioneer]

I have been living with my boyfriend for over two years and he has told me that he has no intention of getting married. He sees the wedding its self as a waste of money (which I sort of agree with), feels that a legally binding agreement is not necessary for two people to be committed to each other, and has stated that he isn't ready to be "that committed".

I don't know what to do. Am I glamourizing marriage? I have sentimental reasons for wanting to get married - I love him and I want a ceremony to say to everyone we know that we are a committed couple, and ask for their blessing, so to speak (we're not religious). When I think about it I can't think of a good, logical reason to get married other than it being sentimental... Am I being possessive, maybe branding him as mine?

What I need is people with experience to lay it out for me - the good and bad things about marriage. What are good reasons to get married, and what are the pitfalls, as in your experience or what you have seen with others. I was raised by monogamous parents, there is no history of divorce on either side of my family, and his parents are still married as well. Am I just expecting marriage because I was brought up that way?

I need help!

[e_sort]

hi pink,

i don't know if i can summarize marriage for you but i'll tell you what i think.

not wanting to waste the money is a non-issue. you can get married for fifty bucks or something at city hall. it's hardly rare, tons of people do it that way. you just never hear much about it because there's not much to say.

there are non-sentimental, legal reasons to get married as i'm sure you know. not to even mention the issue of children, you're choosing your official next of kin, to make a person legally responsible for you and vice versa. there are rights. yes, you can do it with contracts, if you were inclined, but if you have the legal option to marry it's simpler.

if you've been living together 2 years you've pretty much had the newlywed experience, there's nothing left to glamorize. in my experience being married is not too different from living together in the day to day. what's different is this experience of having a defined societal role, doing 'married' things together like filling out taxes, finances, health issues, etc. that sounds really dry and awful but what it really means is that you have made this mutual promise that underlies every serious thing you do.

i've been with my husband for coming up on 12 years and have been married about 6.5 years. i guess i can't say if the changes in our relationship are due to being married or just being older together, but personally i like having an official partner, chosen and recognized. sure there are sentimental aspects, centuries-old traditions and so on, but i don't see anything wrong in appreciating that also.

and to get biological on you for a moment, there are many kinds of animals that pair-bond. it's part of all kinds of life, although rabbits don't need legal recognition because they have pretty simple lives.

you don't say how old you are, so that might have something to do with his and your feelings. also, at least he's being clear with you, which is more than a lot of guys would be. basically i'm saying it's not silly to want to get married.

[SeptemberMorn]

Just going to answer the question you asked in the subject line; Yes, if you're married to the right man.

When you look for a partner or a spouse, make sure they are ALREADY the kind of person you want. You can't change anyone else, you can only change yourself.

[DutchGirl]

Originally Posted by Pink_Lotus

I have been living with my boyfriend for over two years and he has told me that he has no intention of getting married. He sees the wedding its self as a waste of money (which I sort of agree with), feels that a legally binding agreement is not necessary for two people to be committed to each other, and has stated that he isn't ready to be "that committed".

I don't know what to do. Am I glamourizing marriage? I have sentimental reasons for wanting to get married - I love him and I want a ceremony to say to everyone we know that we are a committed couple, and ask for their blessing, so to speak (we're not religious). When I think about it I can't think of a good, logical reason to get married other than it being sentimental... Am I being possessive, maybe branding him as mine?

What I need is people with experience to lay it out for me - the good and bad things about marriage. What are good reasons to get married, and what are the pitfalls, as in your experience or what you have seen with others. I was raised by monogamous parents, there is no history of divorce on either side of my family, and his parents are still married as well. Am I just expecting marriage because I was brought up that way?

I need help!

I guess I am not the right person to give you advice. My husband and I got married 14 years ago, after we lived together for 7 years. We wanted to have a party, make our bond official. It's not as if we thought it would make our love different, which it didn't. We had a good life together, still we had a divorce almost two years ago. We are still good friends by the way. What I mean to say, married or not married, it's all about the relationship you already have. Official marriage doesn't say anything about that. Please value the love that exists between you and your partner.

[lilyann]

Originally Posted by DutchGirl

I guess I am not the right person to give you advice. My husband and I got married 14 years ago, after we lived together for 7 years. We wanted to have a party, make our bond official. It's not as if we thought it would make our love different, which it didn't. We had a good life together, still we had a divorce almost two years ago. We are still good friends by the way. What I mean to say, married or not married, it's all about the relationship you already have. Official marriage doesn't say anything about that. Please value the love that exists between you and your partner.

Marriage is reasonable for tax and financial reasons and for the ritual. Somehow going through the ritual with witnesses is a celebration of your bond and commitment to each other. It is not needed but it is a special moment you will always have.

[digdug]

Marriage can be very different things to different people. Once I was talking to a group of fellow students, and I mentioned how I knew my marriage was a good one because after we were married, it was as if nothing had changed between me and my wife (we had been living together previously).

A girl who was about to get married - and who was very much in love with her fiance - told me that to her marriage was in fact going to change everything in their lives. The reason was that they were both strict Catholics, so that marriage was an important ritual that defined what went on both before and after the big day.

By the way, my wife and I eloped. Cost us a few hundred bucks to get a justice of the peace and rent out witnesses...if you live in the States, I think you can probably so do for even cheaper.

The only thing I'd be worried about is your bf's remark that he does not want to be "that committed" to you. It could be an innocent enough remark, as he may have some built-up apprehensions as to the idea of marriage - the "old ball and chain" mentality. Or maybe he's worried you'll turn into a raving bride-to-be once the wedding planning starts. Yes, we guys get stupid ideas sometimes. But at some point, if you feel comfortable, you might want to have a discussion about the future with him, just to make sure you both have it in your minds to stay together, whether or not you get married.

As others have stated, I do enjoy the legal aspect of being married - being tied to another person under the law. It makes me feel connected to all those billions of anonymous folks throughout history who made similar commitments to one another.

[Visioneer]

I don't actually know what changes LEGALLY when you become married.

I know that in Canada, if I file my taxes in conjunction with my boyfriend as common law or marriage dictates, we get less in our returns and don't qualify for the GST credit because our income is seen as one income, so that's a definite pitfall as we already don't make a lot of money.

I've heard (but haven't been able to find it written anywhere) that once married you can not be forced to testify against your spouse in court, which will probably never apply to us.

I think that if a spouse dies, the surviving partner is the beneficiary of things like RRSPs and pensions, but all of this could be arranged outside of marriage through a legal will, so I don't really see that as a valid reason to get married.

The fact that I could, at that time, choose to change my last name is of no consequence, aside from having to get all new identification and call numerous agencies and companies to change this information, which is annoying.

So I get to wear a pretty ring and introduce him as my husband. Other than that, I don't see that anything would change between us, really. Marriage for me is a social contract more than anything - making promises to each other with your community as witness, and then living so as to uphold those promises. It's about devotion. But do I really need it to be legally binding?

I can't think of anything else that changes legally once you are married. Does anyone know what good legal reasons there are to get married?

[Visioneer]

Also, I really wouldn't want to elope, as the community thing is really important to me.

[e_sort]

Originally Posted by Pink_Lotus

I can't think of anything else that changes legally once you are married. Does anyone know what good legal reasons there are to get married?

I think in the US marriage is usually a tax benefit though not always. but that aside, i think it's mostly a lot of stuff about dying or divorce. inheritance rights, visitation rights in a hospital, power to make legal/medical decisions for the other person. there are rights if you separate. if you have kids there are probably issues there. it's harder to adopt if you're not married I believe.

there are responsibilities too, like if your spouse dies you inherit any debt they incurred after you got married (more or less, with exceptions, etc.)

ignoring the weight of tradition, the legal thing steps up your commitment. you can do it with contracts and wills and so on but assuming the kind of marriage you want is legal (e.g. not gay, at least here in california) i personally don't see the point of going that route if you actually want the legal commitment. you may as well do it the automatic way.

if there's a specific single thing you don't want the other person responsible for, you can make a contract for that, like giving power of attorney to someone else.

it's mostly the huge tradition / social norm thing. I mean i didn't exactly think about the legal benefits when i got married. but i'm glad to have them.

[digdug]

In Canada the legal benefits of marriage are few, and anything you could do in theory you could also do as a common law couple (maybe there are some exceptions, but not many). If you've been living together a couple of years, I believe you qualify.

I like your idea of marriage as a social contract...though I have to admit that my wife and I eloped (it was great fun, mind you). But now that the "community" knows we're married, it pretty much adds up to the same thing.

Some people are dead-set against the idea of marriage because they see it as an autocratic and/or paternalistic institution. I think that's a bit much, but I repsect that people have their opinions. What matters is what you and your boyfriend want, and to find an arrangement that makes you both happy.

[multipixie9]

i grew up in an abusive home with 2 parents who never divorced but we lived dysfunctional with a capital D. when i was 18 i had an encounter with God that changed a plan i'd made with a bottle of my dad's vodka and my mom's dexadrine (uppers). this began a relationship with God that has fascinated me for decades. long story short i met and married a fella with similar spiritual views and we got married. we've been married to each other for over 28 years. we stated up front that divorce is not an option.

now, reality is our marriage needs counseling help and i don't know how things will shake out. we are committed to each other and our marriage and believe our faith in God will help us get past a barren place we've come to after many years together while ignoring some hurts and problems we've got.

i do value marriage and believe it is spiritually healthy and has proven its worth through thousands of years of history in many parts of the world. there is a security, structure, support in marriage. i've had some painful years in my marriage but i have never regretted being married to my husband - i've regretted his failures and /or mine but God has never let me down and that makes marriage a healthy bond. i don't think i could stay married without God's help though because marriage and family are the toughest jobs you will ever love.

i hope u find ur answer and make a choice thats right for u and ur bf..
im not married and for my life up until now i never wanted it
i grew up with a father that abused me and a mother that didnt care
i longed for them to get divorced..
both had been married before and divorced
i just didnt seem why it was worth the effort if thats how it turned out..
we learn by example and experience and that was mine and i didnt want it
but as others have said in this thread marriage is different for everyone
and i really hope that i find someone that i can share a marriage with
i see it as someone saying that they accept and love me for me and i do them
and i think thats special..
take care everyone..

[lywilliams]

In short, Marriage can be awesome if you are married to a great person. You may benefit from some pre marriage therapy to make sure that you and your partner are on the right track. There are many relationship resources available on this site and others. You want to make sure you are married for the long haul...you need to invest in your relationship.
http://www.helptalking.com/what-is-love/

[jerrymichele]

Really if you want to get married then there is nothing wrong with that. Personally if this was me in your shoes, I would seem to think that there is more of a reason then money. IMO this is a good time for you to maybe think about if the two of you have similar values.You shouldn't give up any parts of you to please someone else.

Well, if I recall correctly, married people do have some more rights to see each other then unmarried couple and those in a civil union. (for example if your lover was in the hospital dying you couldn't go see him/her if you weren't married or were civil union)so that is one reason why marrage would be beneficial (although it's not for everybody)

Also you wouldn't have to get a big expensive wedding, just go down to the city hall fill out the paperwork if you wanted to get married.

[Rhapsody]

Originally Posted by Pink_Lotus

Is marriage really all it's cracked up to be?

Yes... IF you allow it to be -

[Shangrala]

In my personal opinion, (lol...and I'm a contradiction to my own self as I've been married twice), I believe marriage is a union of two hearts ONLY. It is a mutual bonding of dedicated love for each other.
I've discovered that marriage is of the two hearts united in commitment BEFORE the ceremony itself.

The ceremony is a publicized clarification of your devotion, which is perfectly fine. The legalities entailed can prove beneficial, and like Rhaposdy summed it so simply well...."IF you allow it to be", (has to be a 'mutual' journey, though).

I married for the wrong reasons. To this day, I am still trying to understand why I went against myself regarding acceptance of the ceremony, when, for me, I already considered myself very much married. Perhaps I "went through the motions" of the ceremony for the sake of hub...to 'prove' my everlasting (lol) devotion. Regardless, the reasons were not mutual, therefore doomed to encounter forks further down that road.

For some, the ceremony represents exactly what it means for you, which is that it is has sentimental meaning. There is nothing wrong with that.
For other's it seems to go into a statement of ownership of another. Not a good thing, (as I was unfortunate to personally discover).

From what you've stated that your bf has said that "he has no intention of getting married", (for whatever HIS reasons), then it might be wise to listen well to what he is telling you. He is clearly and honestly telling you that the ceremony does not hold the same meaning to him as it does for you. And, from my personal experience, it's unfortunate but, despite of what it does mean to you, it must hold a MUTUAL meaning. Hard to say, (speaking from just my personal experience).

Perhaps, have some patience and allow your bf time to (hopefully) reach the same plateau regarding the meaning of ceremony. That definitely is something that cannot be forced, (for obtaining lasting success).

I wish the best for you both.

Shangrala