I am alone and I have cancer ,

My parents are gone as in dead and my abusive brother who I have no contact with did not return my call when I told himI have cancer .


I have ha a few online relationships. I wrote about one particualr problem with Morphng of photos last night . It felt good to be able to write it and hopefully be heard

I come on here to give help . and I feel for all the others who post and don;t get responses .

Im not as strong as I seem .. the cancer has really probed the depth of my aloneness .

last night it felt good to REALLY^ BE honest and completely open about this morphng situation that caused some difficulty with two email corespondances .


whcih makes me feel mre isolated mre alone

I don;t have a copy of my work

I came back to get it .

I hope I can try to post about it again and get some feed back.

I have only these words

thats all I have .right now and the hope someone is listening.


Patricia

[NuckingFutz]

I am reading your words...will be back later...neice just went into labor!

[MickG]

Hello Patricia,

“Im not as strong as I seem .. the cancer has really probed the depth of my aloneness .”

You have shared a very powerful and intensely personal experience. I don’t post all that often but wanted you to know I’ve read a good number of yours and have been following your thoughts and story. Thank you for sharing what you have.

I wish you well and much peace.

[lynn P.]

Hi Patricia,
I'm so very sorry you have cancer and feel alone. No one should ever feel alone like that. Is there a cancer support group you could join at the hospital. You're right even strong people need support. Please feel free to share your feelings with us and I wish you all the strength to fight this battle. You're in my prayers

[marjan]

Sweet heart....We are hear to listen to you....I'm sure you can fight it off....be strong and fight the cancer....lots of people were able to do that and I'm sure you will too....think about all good things you can....
I found a new techniques for myself....whenever bad thoughts are coming to my mind, I just pray....I have this short pray and I keep repeating it and focusing on it to make sure that I pronounce every single word correctly....it's magic...it's amazing....I forget about the initial negative thought I had....I recently lost my dad in an accident and thinking about not having him anymore in my life is killing me, but the new praying technique is working fine....it just needs time to settle down in my heart and my mind and shift all the negative thoughts away....
Try to watch funny movies or TV shows everyday....I just heard that a woman survived from cancer by distracting her thoughts with laughter (watching comedy)....
take care of yourself and let us know how you are doing
with love
Marjan

Originally Posted by marjan

.I just heard that a woman survived from cancer by distracting her thoughts with laughter (watching comedy)....

Hi Marjan,

I read about that same story , It may have been in Kriss Carrs book .

'crazey sexy cancer '.

I do belive humour cures. It certainly feels better!

a few nights a go I decided to join an old forum and let a few people who knew me know I have been diagnosied with cancer . I have also felt concerned that I have let my emotions run out of control with my friend . My worst has come out in years. And so many things have been happening prior to my diagnosis that are still hurtful. so he has had an ear ful. he has also not been there for me. more like 'what now " hurry up

The admin of the site is a freind or shoud I say WAS a freind of mine .

Actually the way he treats me an the things he has said to me since my diagnosis have me knowing its in my best intrest at this time to pull away but when you have few intimate contacts you take whats there,

He doesn;t even know the name of my cancer I have linked him to my online support group , he doesn't read , he doesn't remember any thing and he does not know how seriious this diagnosis is .. I've done every thing I can think of to get him to take notice or read he just is in capable .he doesn't care nor does he think he needs to .

and all this time he has not mentioned once that he has a friend struggling with cancer . Im hidden .

so I did a post. In part to not be hidden .

when I get silly It just comes out kinda on a roll. And I have ADHD so words tend to get omitted and my mind goes fairly fast and I have a bit of dyslexia and very poor grammar . Im more creative in my writing style.

so I made a post that said Hi I have a rare grade three cancer and asked for some prayers and then I said

And well ,,, .... I have a cancer gift registry

( giftsforgirlswithcancer.com) and made a short list.of what Id like.

complete with goofy smiles..

the list.

- a brake job for my BMW
- cleaning service for my Italian villa and my winter cottage in the carrabien
- a french Giggalo clean shaven

- a cruise to Hawwii , jamaica .

( I did some shoping and put a link up for Cheap cruises ..(lol) were talking real cheap!)

- a french Giggalo with a beard.

-a second wine cellar without the booze

- gucci shoes . wallet and matching Gucci hand bag and a Gucci Dog

- one to four lawn mower guys with tight abs, cheeky bangs and silly smiles.

all donations and gifts can be sent to the folowing

( and I made up a website out of my friends web site)

and I aslo said if anyone wanted to know the name of my cancer and the stage to just ask ( X .. my friends name )

I didn;t really want anyone to know so I knew the name was safe ( LOL)

okay it was a bit sarcastic.. but in keeping with comparably lite to the raucous joking and slander that happened two years ago.

I was howling with laughter when I wrote it , so much so, many people in Paneras were laughing too.

Most people do not know Im dirt poor and work as a gardener and own no property and can not afford Gucci shoes I don;t even know what they look like. several on the site do .

After I posted I got a couple of calls from my friend but it was late and I was getting ready for my colonoscopy. so I didn;t pick up.

I thought he was calling to say "Hey! So good to see you join ! that was REALLY funny."

instead he pulles my post and tells me it was incomprehesible no one could understand it .

This brought back old wounds big time .

even as I tried to expalin it he refused to put it back up.

This man has hidden our relationship and actually said things against me making any mention of our friendship to be non existant.


I was LIvid! when he did this AGAIN! Here was an old friend treating me like I wasn't a current freind who . and I call on MY dime ALOT! . He treated me the same way he did two years ago and it was the reason I left that forum and didn't join.

paractice power and control in public or shoud I say humliiate in public.

and then the memoriy of his other friend posting a picture came back to me. It was of a Dog sitting on a mad kitten in a pictoral reference of control and making me shut up or shutting up women. a gender joke I did not find funny at the time! old boys ganging up on the female power in numbers! and when I was confronting and standing up for myself in a post. this same man who posted the just fit on the female picture that I reated him like ( sounds like Hit with an S in front) in front of everyone .

I did not return such potty mouth in kind .

I was ganged up on. And no one to come to my aid ,

in response to my friends curent treatment of me
I polietly said how I felt . I did what was asked
and now have requested removal of the two threads I made .
and Im deleteing my account.

Its over , the friendship is now half mast , taps are playing.

I left the forum im waiting for the deletion . hopefully they will respect my wishes. NEVER have I EVER been so poorly welcomed .
It was Humiliating!

.
I found a new techniques for myself....whenever bad thoughts are coming to my mind, I just pray....I have this short pray and I keep repeating it and focusing on it to make sure that I pronounce every single word correctly....it's magic...it's amazing....I forget about the initial negative thought I had....I recently lost my dad in an accident and thinking about not having him anymore in my life is killing me, but the new praying technique is working fine....it just needs time to settle down in my heart and my mind and shift all the negative thoughts away....

I'm sorry about your father .You sound like you had a good relationship with him. I did not when My father died yet I still grieved . I remeber getting angry and sad when I saw a father and daughter holding hands while walking down a side walk . Something we ever did .

some grieve real loving interactions and some greive knowing what they wanted but never got would never come to fruition.

I can't say which is harder to grieve.

But grief is what IM going through on differnt levels . and angry because Im hurt . these men have hurt me because I cared . I wish I didn;t and now I no longer do. or workig on not caring any more.

I would be intrested in your prayer if you are willing to share it if its within forum guide lines.

Im haunted right now with how people treated me in the past by the things they said and still are its been such a harmful several years . I do wonder if it has contributed to my cancer .
I wish I had never found that site.

My life would be much beter Id feel freeer I know it.

I made a HUGE mistake posting there Im retraumatized .and I just don't need more lashing. that litle voice said you may be setting your self up for more .I didn;t listen .

I hoped id be treated different . Not even cancer made a difference.

At least I love myself enough to not stay . I know in my heart I never deserved such treatment

Im still very angry at three men and thier leading ladies on the old and current forums .

they always had the power they had thier little group of women who were better than I and they smoozed and peted them held them up to the light sayig how wonderful they were.

its always been that way

have Patricia in private and control her .

But gossip and put her down to the others in their group.Disscuss her .

I do not need the position of power to know I'm smart ,helpful, wise person .


I don;t need to clamour for it or bask in it . or gleen self esteeme or exert control. the way they do still.

thanks for letting me get this out. I keep hoping this will free me ...from thier words of bondage control belittlement and blame.

Patricia

Originally Posted by MickG

Hello Patricia,

“Im not as strong as I seem .. the cancer has really probed the depth of my aloneness .”

You have shared a very powerful and intensely personal experience. I don’t post all that often but wanted you to know I’ve read a good number of yours and have been following your thoughts and story. Thank you for sharing what you have.

I wish you well and much peace.

Thank you Mick ,

this means so much to me . Thank you for caring and sending your kind words and that you think Im worth reading .

graceful notes to my bashed eye-ears.



Patricia

Originally Posted by NuckingFutz

I am reading your words...will be back later...neice just went into labor!

LOL! was it a boy or a girl? Hope she he is healthy and all went well.

Patricia

[quote=lynn P.;1217513] No one should ever feel alone like that. Is there a cancer support group you could join at the hospital.

[/quote]

No , I was told there was some sort of group but I wasn't encouraged to join possibly because I was not undergoing Chemo and radiation at this time . So possibly not a good fit. was the vibe I was geting.
there is only one support group in town and its for breast cancer .

And Im finding most al the women have husbands

Its very hard for me to listen about the support they have . the families I do not have .

the support at the University is directed at those who are undergoing the usual treatment's

the massage the accupuncture etc etc are only offerd if you do the drugs.

But because you choose another path and I belive mine is one of careful concideration and reading the writing on the wall . I value mu desison unlike many who are not. and there are a few other womn doing the same after careful research. what little we can find for our cancer. what we can find is very bleak.

even though I have desided to not do treatment and to wait to see if its already in my liver . Im thinking quality of life right now .

I don;t want to jump into chemo and be there for the rest of my life ..right now .

'that does not mean Im not terrified and that does not mean my surgery took its toll and it does not mean Im staring the posiblity of my life being taken

I do have an online support group for my specific cancer . We are a rare group and not much reserch and the chemo is not working . several are reocuring with the chemo .

So yes everydayI think about it whats hapening to others and it could happen to me and I feel alone in it compared to the majority walking around.

and my struggle to get money collected and help from the university for MY adhd is making things harder. Im not getting help to organize my apartment and thats keeping me from having a relationship .
the SAME struggle I had BEFORE the cancer .

the doctors just dont GET IT and they do not CARE!

Im battling daily , giving up and go in for another round .

and I feel like quiting . Im angry very angry that IM not getting the help I need.

And Its just me .no close freinds , due to my years online with those who didnt want to be my friends . no husband to go to bat for me Im leery to have any friends Im so brain washed by doctors and on line people .


my one friend cant remember anything I Tel him . he didn;t even remember I had a colonoscopy didn;t ask it just compounds my aloneness. he doesn;t see this he can;t cal and say how the heck are you how was this you said you were going to do .

he does pick up the phome nut its alwys hurry up Im busy .

and he doesn;t remember what I do say hes usually o line doing a task on line or reading someone elses post .

I may as wel be talking to myself

Im not caling anymore hell have nothing to grip about Im out of his life now he can focus on his own drinking and smoking.


other things are way more inportant for him.

I know you are supposed to give and not expect back .

I have given and I hoped he could be there for me . He tries but just doesn;t know how.

He just needs too much I think .

I miss having sort of an ear but it was an illusion that he was there for me .

Patricia

((((((( Patricia )))))) Please continue to post so we know how you are doing. Never lose hope. We will listen. We will send you strength. We care. Good luck.

[lonegael]

((((((patricia)))))) I am so sorry to hear about the horrible perdicament you are in. I haven't the experienceor the wisdom to have much to say, but I want you to know that I wish you the best in handling your cancer and I hope that somehow you and your friend can understand each other again. Huggs and healing, at least for your wounded heart.