[RomanSunburn]

Why do I do this? Why do I continually push him away? He does so many good things for me. No one else could ever love me the way he loves me. He brings me coffee in bed, tells me I’m beautiful and that he loves me and that he wants no one else. When I’m at school, he calls me in the morning to help me wake up. He takes care of my every need. And yet I’m still pushing him away. I love him so much, and yet I can’t let him get close. I’m always questioning things that happened in the past, ex’s, flings, why we broke up, over and over. Why am I always having hissy fits? Why can’t I be a better girlfriend to save my life?

I’ve really done it this time.. We’re an LDR. For almost the entire time he was in college, we dated. But he was in the midwest and I was on the east coast. Now, he’s normally at home (we’re both from the same town, but I go to school three hours away) looking for a job. But he’s back in the Midwest for a week and a half for a job fair at his old school, and every night he’s been there I’ve had a fit over this or that, or just been plain grumpy and took it out on him. So I suggested we stop talking until he gets back to home so he doesn’t have to put up with my mood swings and cranky behavior. I don’t want to ruin his trip or his job hunt anymore. He hasn’t said that he’s agreed to it, but we’re not talking much either… The whole thing has just got me thinking, though.. Why can’t I just let him close? Let him love me without hurting him? Why do I have to make everything so darn complicated?!

Sorry, everyone.. I really just needed to vent. I really miss him and am kind of out of sorts. Has anyone else every experienced this? This whole… I love you but I can’t stop hurting you business? The worst part is he keeps telling me I’m a great girlfriend, but I know I can do better! Ugh… You’d think after almost four years I’d be able to make it work… Oh well… Like I said.. Just needed to vent. Thanks for listening, everyone, really appreciate it

Ro

[Ascension]

I can relate to this. I have found this perfect woman for me and I can't sleep at night because I see her sleep and all I can think about is how much she puts up with my moodiness. I want nothing more to make sure I NEVER betray her forgiveness and understanding but I always seem to. I am confident she knows that it isn't personal, that I just get so anxious and worked up sometimes that I become irrational. But, she carries so much at times with me being disabled, unemployed and living on a tiny SS check each month. I have been blessed with a new home that needs a lot of work and she and my step-daughter have a place but I still feel like they could do so much better then me sometimes. I wish I were more balanced sometimes. I wish I had advice but all I can do is tell you are not alone.

If you want to find out why, perhaps professional help is the answer?

[RomanSunburn]

Thanks for your replies.

Just wanted to let you know that I am in therapy already, especially for depression and GAD, and any of my issues that stem from those such as low self esteem. But I still seem to keep screwing up my relationship...

I'd write more, but it's early right now and I need to get ready for class.

Thanks again,
Ro