[FlyGirl00]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over 3 years. We are both in our late 20s and up until this past week our relationship has been absolutely beautiful. Background story is I was living in Florida to finish my college degree and he and I met at a party when I was home on one of my breaks. We naturally hit it off, talked a bit then went our separate ways. For the next two weeks I was home we got together practically everyday whether it was for a dinner date, a concert, or just hanging out to get to know each other. I then went back to Florida with both of us agreeing that we would take it for what is was and see where it took us. For the next two years as I finished up my degree we (despite the distance-he lives in PA) had a beautiful, completely trusting relationship. I would fly to PA as much as possible as he would fly to FL as much as possible. When I moved home to PA a little over a year ago our relationship blossomed to even new heights of love, patience, intimacy, and support. Sure, we had a few arguments here and there (both in FL and in PA) but there hasn't been a bridge up until this point that we have not been able to cross.

This brings me to today. He was just away for work for 6 weeks (I visited him 3 weeks ago for about a week) and the last night they (his coworkers) were there they went out to a bar and while at this bar my boyfriend was dancing with a girl (which is fine-he and I both agree that dancing is fine) and when then were done dancing they were all hanging out chatting and she leaned over and kissed him, and he kissed her back. (tongue and all). He told me he only kissed her for "like 2 seconds" and then pulled away because he was so ashamed, proceeded to tell her he had a girlfriend and she needed to stop, and then paid his tab and got a taxi home to remove himself from the situation.

I know that he did the right thing by removing himself from the situation before it got out of hand but I'm having a really hard time dealing with the fact that he kissed another girl. From day 1 of our relationship I have been very clear that kissing, in my opinion, is cheating and I will absolutely not tolerate any type of cheating. (I've been cheated on in the past so I have no tolerance/respect for cheaters in my life) And he acknowledges that he cheated and that he feels awful and that he regrets his decision and that it is the worst thing he has ever done in his life. Etc. He wants to work it out but I don't think it's fair that I now have to spend the rest of my life with trust issues with the person that I'm supposed to trust with all my heart.

I just need some advice for mental sanity. This has all happened within the last 24 hours and I am so lost on what to do. I'm ashamed, embarrassed, I feel betrayed and am so disappointed. I think things will forever be different for us, and I don't know if I'm okay with that, if I'm okay with settling.

Please help.

[Aunt Donna]

It is something the two of you have to work through. Personally, I am like you. It shouldn't have happened to begin with. Wish I could be of more help.

[AkAngel]

First of all, I'm sorry that you are going through this. It is no doubt painful and difficult.

You said that you don't think it's fair that you now have to spend the rest of your life with trust issues with the person that your supposed to trust with all your heart. You don't.

If you are having trust issues with your boyfriend now as a result of this, that is completely normal. If you still are having them ten years from now, that would not be. He was drinking, he was caught off guard, and it sounds like the moment he realized what he was doing he stopped immediately, left and admitted everything to you.

I hate blaming alcohol, because we make a choice to drink - but we make choices based on information. Up till now he didn't know that dancing and alcohol could lead to him being caught unaware and kissed. Now he does. What is he going to do with that info?

You've talked about settling and whether you're okay with it. There are a lot of jerks out there, that is true, but three years of an absolutely beautiful relationship thrown away over an alcohol induced accident that he ran from and then ran to you with a confession... you might be shooting a little high. This does not sound like a 'settle for' this sound like a bad mistake and one that he's sorry for.

[Skully]

I would talk to him and find out exactly why he did it. Sometimes it can be a simple reason or a more complex one. What ever the reason it is best to talk and work it out if you want the relationship to continue. Whatever you do, don't ignore it or let him try and pass it off.

[Moreta]

IMO, him actually telling you that it happened is better than if he didn't tell you. By him telling you, he's feeling remorse for the action. He also left the situation, so you know that he knows what he did was wrong.

I have first hand experience with this and when my ex told me that he kissed one of my best friends, I (not being properly treated for a mental illness) overreacted and felt the need to punish him by sleeping with someone he absolutely despised and my best friends ex. I would also like to add that by the point in the relationship that this happened, we weren't getting along very well, mainly due to the mania I was experiencing.

Anyways, whatever you do, don't overreact. Talk to him. Don't shut down. Remember that you have a solid relationship with him and that he cares for you as much as you do for him.

Also, I know when I'm at a bar and there's dancin', and loud music, and alcohol I tend to loose myself in the music and I start dancing with whoever is around. That would be why I don't go out to the bar......

[notsurey]

Originally Posted by AkAngel

First of all, I'm sorry that you are going through this. It is no doubt painful and difficult.

You said that you don't think it's fair that you now have to spend the rest of your life with trust issues with the person that your supposed to trust with all your heart. You don't.

If you are having trust issues with your boyfriend now as a result of this, that is completely normal. If you still are having them ten years from now, that would not be. He was drinking, he was caught off guard, and it sounds like the moment he realized what he was doing he stopped immediately, left and admitted everything to you.

I hate blaming alcohol, because we make a choice to drink - but we make choices based on information. Up till now he didn't know that dancing and alcohol could lead to him being caught unaware and kissed. Now he does. What is he going to do with that info?

You've talked about settling and whether you're okay with it. There are a lot of jerks out there, that is true, but three years of an absolutely beautiful relationship thrown away over an alcohol induced accident that he ran from and then ran to you with a confession... you might be shooting a little high. This does not sound like a 'settle for' this sound like a bad mistake and one that he's sorry for.

i really agree with this advice. if you love him and he has been that honest with you, initial pain is normal and will need to be worked through. however, he came straight to you with the truth that shows he is willing to put in that work. a loving relationship takes work and sometimes forgiveness for mistakes that we humans have been known to make. i hope you the best.

[FlyGirl00]

Thank you everyone sooo much for your thoughts/advice...I just got home from martinis with the ladies and am literally teared up as I type this...I told him initially and have told him that before I can even pretend to try to get over this, and for my mental sanity, I need to know why. I need to know why her and not other girls who have tried.

I thought I was ready to talk today and asked if he wanted to talk, and immediately he said "yes" but by that time I had repissed myself off and asked him if he had told anyone, to which replied "no" so I demanded that he needs to feel the embarrassment that I feel before I'm ready to talk.

About an hour later he had spoken to his parents and they said it was up to me to have to be able to trust us again and they were rooting for us. My parents are also rooting for us (and my father has hated every boy who even looked at any of his little girls for as long as I can remember. Haha.)

He, of course, wanted to come over but I told him that I was not ready to look at him yet, I currently have all of our pictures off the wall (placed gently to the side) so that I don't have to see him smiling at me...I want to put those up one day again, I'm just too hurt right now to take him back without anything solved.

Ugh.

From day 1 of our relationship I have been very clear that kissing, in my opinion, is cheating and I will absolutely not tolerate any type of cheating. (I've been cheated on in the past so I have no tolerance/respect for cheaters in my life) And he acknowledges that he cheated

There have been some excellent responses. Nonetheless, I do not think FlyGirl00's past experiences have been stressed enough. Because of your past, and the understanding the two of you had, it is going to take a lot more work to again be able to trust.

Having said that, I hope you can work this out.

[supergamerlolz]

Sometimes, guys kiss another girl and feel ashamed after it. If that guy really likes you, then he should be understanding how you feel about that awkward 'kiss'.

[marjan]

If I were you, I would be mad and angry at him but it was just a kiss and he told you already and it looks like he regrets.....so, forgiveness is the key! If you really love him, give him another chance....honesty, sometimes girls are so pushy and they force themselves on guys....

take care and don't let just one meaningless kiss ruins your love life....
M.