[Adhesion]

I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years and we both came into the relationship with baggage from prior relationships. We have struggled over the issue of being introvert/extrovert and because my boyfriend is dyslexic and never had any kind of therapy to help him with his communication skills. Recently he has been going through a phase where he is feeling very much like he's stuck and not going anywhere with his life which increased his withdrawl from me and our fighting. I found out that he met a girl at work that he flirted with and then lied to me and went to a party she gave. I also recently found out that when he met her at his job she was applying for a position and they now work together.

My issue is first and foremost that he lied to me depsite knowing how painful that would be given that my last relationship ended with lies. My second issue is that even though he chose a safe flirtation (she has a boyfriend and she knows about me), he still felt the need to pursue that kind of attention behind my back and then lie to my face about it.

I have confronted him about the problem and he has told me that he is sorry and VERY disappointed in himself for hurting me. He has admitted that he needs mental health therapy and is taking steps to get started. He has told me he loves me and would like to work things out but is afraid I will never be able to trust him again or that he will fail at therapy and hurt me again.

I am trying to decide if I should stay and give him a chance should he continue to pursue therapy and work with me on our relationship. Or, am I not walking away when I should?

[lynn P.]

I think you should give him another chance since he's willing to get help. It sounds like he's serious about trying.

[Perna]

I would give him another chance but I would make sure that he knows the lying is the issue, not that he has a woman friend at work and goes to her parties, etc.

If you are not formally connected, he still can do whatever he wants in his time and even if you were married, he could, technically, go to coworker parties, etc. We're going to a party of my husband's former coworkers tonight and he just happens to be taking me with him but it would not bother me if I were not to go because I'm sure of him and his attachment to me. So I would make sure that your issues aren't trying to limit him as to who he's allowed to see, etc. (that's all his choice, always, it's his life) but that you do not wish to be lied to (so you can make your own, informed choices of what you want to do with your life).

[Adhesion]

I don't have any issue with him going to a co workers party. What I have issue with is that he flirted with her, snuck around to see her (i.e. go to her party) and lied about it. He has admited that he is attracted to her, but says if he is committed to working on our relationship I don't have to worry about it. Also, he has told me since day one that he never dates in the work place. My only concern about her is that he is attracted to her and she was what he lied about to me repeatedly.

Originally Posted by Perna

I would give him another chance but I would make sure that he knows the lying is the issue, not that he has a woman friend at work and goes to her parties, etc.

If you are not formally connected, he still can do whatever he wants in his time and even if you were married, he could, technically, go to coworker parties, etc. We're going to a party of my husband's former coworkers tonight and he just happens to be taking me with him but it would not bother me if I were not to go because I'm sure of him and his attachment to me. So I would make sure that your issues aren't trying to limit him as to who he's allowed to see, etc. (that's all his choice, always, it's his life) but that you do not wish to be lied to (so you can make your own, informed choices of what you want to do with your life).

If he goes to therapy and is serious about making the relationship work, he may be worth taking a chance on since you already have been together two years. My suggestion is at some point you make it joint counseling so the therapist is addressing your concerns and both of you may learn to communicate better.

[Adhesion]

After several excuses about why he tried to call and set up therapy but it didn't happen, I broke up with him last night. The emotional drain on me was actually affecting my health and i realized that hanging on would only cause me more pain in the end. I REALLY hope he does get therapy. But I can't continue this vicious cycle and keep my self respect.

[Perna]

I'm sorry you had to have a breakup, that's never fun. But I'm very glad you're taking care of yourself, Adhesion!

For what its worth I think you did the right thing, I know this is hard but believe me living with a liar is not an easy task so in the long run you are better off having pain now rather than constant pain if you had stayed.

[Rhapsody]

IF (and that is IF) he follows through with getting counseling then I would give him another chance.

As I read your thread Adhesion, the old thought that the number one important piece to any relationship, is the ability to Trust.

Without Trust, how can any close relationship survive?

I am sorry this happened, but I am glad you think enough of yourself to have ended it.-----------------------Good for YOU!!!-------------theo

[Adhesion]

Thanks much for the words of support. I really wanted to learn from the past and not repeat my mistakes. I've stayed before and seen plenty of friends stay when they should have left. It was one of the hardest things i've ever done because I still love him. But the fact that I feel sadness but also a weight lifted from me today tells me it was the right thing to do.

(((((Adhesion)))))--"Time heals all wounds"---you are in my thoughts--hugs---theo

Good for you, Adhesion.

[pocket21]

Originally Posted by Adhesion

I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years and we both came into the relationship with baggage from prior relationships. We have struggled over the issue of being introvert/extrovert and because my boyfriend is dyslexic and never had any kind of therapy to help him with his communication skills. Recently he has been going through a phase where he is feeling very much like he's stuck and not going anywhere with his life which increased his withdrawl from me and our fighting. I found out that he met a girl at work that he flirted with and then lied to me and went to a party she gave. I also recently found out that when he met her at his job she was applying for a position and they now work together.

My issue is first and foremost that he lied to me depsite knowing how painful that would be given that my last relationship ended with lies. My second issue is that even though he chose a safe flirtation (she has a boyfriend and she knows about me), he still felt the need to pursue that kind of attention behind my back and then lie to my face about it.

I have confronted him about the problem and he has told me that he is sorry and VERY disappointed in himself for hurting me. He has admitted that he needs mental health therapy and is taking steps to get started. He has told me he loves me and would like to work things out but is afraid I will never be able to trust him again or that he will fail at therapy and hurt me again.

I am trying to decide if I should stay and give him a chance should he continue to pursue therapy and work with me on our relationship. Or, am I not walking away when I should?

im kinda new 2 this blogging thing so stay w/ me. ive asked myself that same question when i was w/ khile. but what we were going threw was little different. but when i left it was torture and it still is. my point is that he obviousley cares alot about you and the relationship to want to get help so that he can make things better not just for himself but for you too. so dont give up yet because a man that can admitt that he needs help is a man worth keeping. but thats just my oppinion. so stay strong and dont give up yet. things can only get better.