[Elana05]

My partner and I have been arguing. It's new for us, as we've only recently learned how to argue. This sounds odd, I know, but we both come from somewhat broken backgrounds. So in both our lives arguing meant that things were about to fall apart and could never be put back together. (There was no safety in expressing feelings). So on the one had this is good. But, ugh, why is it so hard?? The feelings are almost intolerable.
She is going away to visit her sister. For serveal months now, it has been that we both were going to go - her sister even mentioned she'd be so glad to see me. But a few nights ago my partner threw all of her anxieties on me - and oddly, they were about me. I suffer from depression, so I have been the "designated patient" lately, but she's all like "you're gonna get depressed and it's not gonna be any fun for me." I could understand where she's coming from, except the last time we went away, I was sooo much better. Really, my depression has been waning and it comes in maybe 5 minute spurts 3-4 times a day. It's not like I'm spending all day in bed! Then she's all like, "you can go or you can stay, both will be fine by me." And somehow this really hurt my feelings. The last time we went away together we ended up having so much fun. I realy don't think I was imagining this. Plus, I did most of the driving and helped her manage a few uncomfortable situations with her family. Now she's acting like I'm the problem. I was really looking forward to this trip and I just can't believe she's not also. It makes me feel like "chopped liver" so to speak. Plus, I hate how she's already decided how I am going to act or feel when we get there (depressed). I'ts not like I'm planning on it - and so far the idea of the trip had filled me with nothing but enthusiasm.

[Perna]

If it hurts your feelings for her to say, "you can go or you can stay, both will be fine by me" a wishy/washy non-statement of what she feels and so now she's worried you'll be/get depressed, that's her expressing her feelings, which is truly a good place you two have gotten to, congratulations!

But you can't have it both ways, with her telling you her fears (yes they're her fears but she's entitled to them!), and discounting what they "say". It is her family and her trip and that doesn't really have/say anything to do with you. She has her relationship with her family that she has had since long before she met you and it is only hers, just like your relationship with your nuclear family is yours, good or bad and you get to say how you relate to them.

Whether or not you would get depressed is not the question; she is afraid you might (and, you, in fact, might/might not) and does not think SHE could cope with her family and helping/loving you. You can't "argue" about what she feels, she can't help what she feels anymore than you can help being depressed. It's her family, she truly gets 100% say in how she/anyone "outside" gets to relate to them.

I would support her going on this trip alone. Maybe tell her she can call you whenever she wants/feels the need to but that you won't call her, will assume she's doing fine. Tell her to give your "hey" to anyone you especially liked or who especially liked you, etc.

While I agree with Perna, I also am concerned that your partner gives the intimation that at least at times the partnership is one of convenience.

[Perna]

Maybe your partner is worried because her sister has problems and the two of you might not do well together and she doesn't want to put you through that (or herself)?

How are you doing, Elana05?