[frustrated91]

i just cant seem to get along with my boyfriends mother i am a really nice girl that cares very much for her son and would never hurt him but she does not see that she is very rude indirectly and we can never seems to cary a conversation. i have tried being really nice to her but not too much that i look like a suck up but nice. and i just dont know how to make her want to talk to me or like me for her son. i am very angry with her inmatureity and i feel bad because my mother is very nice to my boyfriend and i wish i had that kind of friendship with his mom. his mom was not brought up to respect everyone and makes really dumb remarks. i hate the way she is but yet i really want to get along with her for me and my boyfriends sake. can any one help with some good advice?
please and thank you in advanced.

[Perna]

As you've noticed, not everyone is good at getting along with new people. I bet his mother is probably treating you about like she does her son/other kids. I wouldn't take it "personally" but just use it as a learning experience. I remember my mother always made my friends go in the refrigerator and get whatever they wanted to eat and drink and could invite them, last minute, to stay for dinner; but when I went to their houses, even they weren't allowed in their own refrigerators ;-) and if they wanted me to come for dinner, they had to invite me many days ahead and dinner was the "exact" amount for each person, never very much or any leftovers and what they ate was different from what we ate, etc.

See if you can discover something she likes and work with that. My father-in-law had a weakness for chocolate like my husband and I'd make them both brownies when we'd go visit :-) Talk to her about her son, what was he like as a little boy, ask her advice on a few simple things relative to school, careers, etc. Find out her favorite TV shows and just kind of get to know her a bit if you can look beyond her rude behavior that is probably a bit of fear at this "strange young woman" in her home.

Does your boyfriend have a sister and/or you a brother? Could be your mom is more comfortable with your boyfriend because she has brothers, sons, more children, etc. and his mother doesn't have sisters, daughters. . .

[Aunt Donna]

Believe it or not, some mothers aren't comfortable with their sons having a girlfriend. They aren't ready for it and they don't really know how to handle the situation so they come off cold. Just take it one step at a time. See if you have any common interests with her besides her son.

[Shangrala]

A long time ago I lived with my boyfriend for a few years and never met his mom, until one year she was coming from back east to visit him.

I recall telling my boyfriend how eager and excited I was to finally meet his mom.
He responds with, "Why? You'll hate my mom. Everyone does".
I told him to let me be decide that for myself, as I get along with everyone and haven't any enemies, (that I know of).

Time comes for her to arrive. We pick her up at airport. I'm riding in back seat on way home. I say to her, "I'm so happy to finally meet you". She says, "Why? You won't like me, nobody does".... Ouch!

Well, despite my efforts of trying to get along with her, make her feel welcome at our home...whatever...nothing worked.
She was a miserable woman. Angry at the world, at herself, at her son and she definitely eventually made me feel irrelevant and insignificant.
They were both right about one thing, though...I didn't like her. Although I did try.

Some people just have so much personal issues that they simply do not care to make the effort to get along with others. It's really hard to say, but I certainly would try not to allow your bf's mom make you feel as though she has a personal vendetta against you, even though I know that is a very hard thing to ignore. It's possible that she just isn't receptive of others..period.

You've received some good advice from the others.

I hope this works out for you....

Shangrala

[Rhapsody]

Originally Posted by faylowell

Believe it or not, some mothers aren't comfortable with their sons having a girlfriend.

I agree here.... some mothers just hate to be replaced to no longer be the main girl in her sons life... growing up is a learning process for all - parents included.

[frustrated91]

Thank you all i will try to follow all of your advice!!

[frustrated91]

all the advice is just great! but can anyone else tell me some more topic starters jut to be ready for the next time i see her ??

You know what ? I started to write trying to give advice but all I can remember is my first marriage, my mother in law was really a nasty woman. In fifteen years of marriage to her son I never once felt comfy enough to even make a cup of tea in her home.

I tried everything at first, I would take my sons to her house and my mums house alternate weekends so I was being fair even if my then hubby was working I would go on my own. Plus lots more but nothing was good enough.

In the end I just told ex hubby I was not going to phone her of visit her anymore I was also not going to 'remind' him to phone or visit with his mum.

And I stuck to my guns, it took three years before she broke and phoned me to ask what the matter was ! I told her and after that she made a bit of an effort (not much but some).

So I really should not be offering out advice to you .

Hope you have better luck than me .....

PS just an after thought but I got on great with my second mother in law but my now hubby had a different relationship with his parents than my first did. My second would have a go at them if he thought he was in the right about something but the first one would just say 'oh let it go we don't live with her'.

Maybe there is a connection ?

[Rhapsody]

Originally Posted by frustrated91

can anyone else tell me some more topic starters jut to be ready for the next time i see her ??

Her work - if she works
pets - if they have any
hobbies - hers a course
entertainment - what she a fan of
her son - ask about his childhood - looks at family pics

[bipolarbearV]

If your BF is soon to become your fiancee, I say run for the hills as nothing you can do can make her like you. I married a man who I thought lived in a perfect home with perfect family. For 29 years she treated me OK in front of others and like xxxx behind their backs.

She would say she should have gone to Hollywood. I wish she had and had been rejected! That would have cured her narcissium! She ALWAYS had to be in the center of any photograph. I was surprised when she let the brides and grooms be in the center of their wedding photos! She would also cock her head sideways to make sure she was more noticeable in the pics. When our kids were young I spent a small fortune buying Olan Mills photos made on good paper not made to fade. The pics included her son and our sons and rarely me as I don't do well in photos. Well, to rub her self-love in my face she would send me 3-4 of the same close up photos of her face in each letter she sent. This was years after the kids were grown and she was making fun of me sending all those pics of the boys. All I was trying to be was a good daughter in law!! She tilted her head and wore a straw brimmed hat held onto the back of her head with her hand. It was so syrupy sweet. I just thought she was wierd until the # got to be over 100!!
I wanted to wallpaper my bathroom with all those photos and send her a picture of it. I esp. wanted to see her pic. behind the toilet where the guys probably accidentally used it for target practice!! But of course I didn't.

I spent hours writing her letters which eventually I was indirectly criticized for because I did not send them to her in my best penmanship as her daughter did. She tried to make me wear her 1945 all satin wedding gown and was successful with several other brides in and out of the family. She wanted any female to just try it on to prove to her that everyone was fatter than her 85 pounds when she got married. That made her feel superior. I did not ever try on that dress!! I told her I thought every bride should have the pleasure of picking out their very own dress. She didn't like that. She gave me a Emily Post book on manners and hell, I was the only one who had any for her. My ex NEVER once wrote one word to her. My sons very rarely wrote thank you cards. But yet I got the criticism!! She didn't like our 2 medium sized dogs but she taught her poodle to growl at me. That was rude but I didn't do anything back. She did much, much more and after our divorce she left a public function without so much as a goodbye. I gave her everything and she constantly kicked me emotionally.

So no matter how much you love this guy I wouldn't marry him unless you move far away or unless your BF will stand up to his Mom and take or defend your side. Been there and done that, too. It REALLY hurts especially because everyone thinks she's so generous with her money and so nice for always doing kind things for them. Well, what about me? I tried everything.
I was done dirly by her and my ex and now am almost homeless.

PS. One post had some good suggestions and I have used them. I admit I've never met the 3 of you but I just had to vent. Who knows, you could get lucky with this lady. But unless your BF defends you NOW don't expect him to defend you later!! bipolarbearV

[salukigirl]

She sounds like she just isn't ready to let her little baby go. Does he ever say anything to her about it?

Personally, if she wants to play mind games I would just do it right back. She obviously has no intention of ever getting to know you or liking you. So I would probably just pretend like I don't notice how rude she is and just act happy even when she is being a jerk. People who thrive off of others' misery like that can't stand to be ignored. So instead of looking for ways to please this un-pleaseable woman, just play the game her way. She doesn't want to have a convo then call one of your friends right in front of her lol. Then again I'm mean haha

Hello, frustrated91. I would be frustrated too. You have received good advice. What does your husband think about this?